Birthdays & Bad Moods

Happy Birthday JN! Happy Birthday, Dad!

Okay, I've just used up all happy I had for the day. I'm in an excruciatingly bad mood today. It came on me all of a sudden. It physically hurts...or else the physically hurting (woke up with swollen lymph nodes and a nasty sore throat) is in a nasty reinforcing cycle with the mood. Both are getting worse and worse by the minute.

I was fine while I was in bed, laughing and joking with my husband, but the downward spiral started as soon as I walked in the door. I'm the receptionist, and I don't want to talk to anybody.

I can count on one hand the number of times before my 32nd birthday when I really DID NOT want to be around people and celebrating. These days though, that seems to be everyday.

Curling up in a ball, in my bed, reading a book sounds ideal. Working on my photos, listening to the radio, sounds delightful. Even couch potatoing with a few episodes of Buffy would be better than my current plan for Christmas Day: Playing games, trying to resist a big, delicious meal and spending time with three other couples...exhausting.

Where did the lively Yvette Go? Maybe I'm just needing to hibernate like a little grizzly bear in order to maintain my sunny disposition. I'd LOVE to go to sleep for a few months and lose half my bodyweight too...but that's probably not an option.

I don't strictly feel depressed - I feel angry. A sort of general, malaise angry about my inability to say no (and mean no). I don't want to turn down invitations and face loneliness on the holiday. I don't want to know my friends are having fun, and that maybe, if I was with them, I'd be having fun too.

Maybe I should've jumped a plane to see my niece. How can you be angry around a cute baby girl...Naw, there would have been LOTS of other things to be angry about there.

What I want most to do is sleep. I'm planning to go home after I'm relived at noon time and do just that.

Maintenance Day 1

Here I am in maintenance - Day 1. Scary. Yeah, really scary. I had to share the body today with the Bagel Whore - and now my stomach feels overfull and kinda yuck. Overfull? *my* stomach? I didn't think it was possible....!!!

Since I don't have an official class to go to and use as a focus, I need to get back on my own, home-made weight crusade. So I decided to spend some time reading Thin for Life just now and I hope to do more of that each day.

What I just read was about emotional eating (and overeating). With two sets of grandparents who dealt with alcohol issues and two parents who were smokers, the "addiction" cards are stacked against me. In addition, the survival behaviors that have been modeled to me are based on a lot of denial, depression and conflict avoidance. With a history like that, I really need to give myself a break about the fact that my food addiction is real, and will always be a part of my life.

Fasting is the opportunity I need, every so often (perhaps even once a week, I'll wait and see), to STOP and look at my relationship with food. Am I using it as an escape from my emotions? Am I using it to avoid confronting and managing the 'real' world?

Thin for life suggests identifying food 'triggers' as a good start. I know I eat when I'm bored. I know I eat to procrastinate. I know I eat to relax and manage anxiety that otherwise just stays with me.

I also eat because food is THERE. This is one of the biggest truths I know from my program - if food is in the environment, for whatever reason, I will eat it. And I CAN'T. I need to fix the relationship with food if I want to maintain a weight that is healthy. And I need to have help. And I need to COOK. So many things to learn to do just to take care of ourselves!

Today was day 1. I don't have a specific plan for today, which is probably why the BAGEL WHORE was unleashed. I even forgot to plan for not letting her out of her cage - even though I knew there would be bagels in the building.

I didn't know there would be baskets and baskets of holiday baked goods, however. So much stacked against me....

How can I stay away from food in my path? How can I look at tempting sweets and NOT put them in my mouth. I told the Ops Director, whose wife made and sent the piles of sweets, that she must hate me. Anyone who offers me food is doing so out of generosity and kindness and sharing...and it is POISON TO ME!

Really it is poison for the whole culture and everyone in it. It is the poison of ideas: The idea that food is love; that food is a gift; that food should be shared; that food is social; that food is disposable and can be taken for granted.

I don't need the free food. I need to appreciate the beauty of the gift - the time and energy it took to create it without letting any additional calories go into my body. But the VISUAL of food is so seductive. It is beautiful and would both taste and feel good as it was eaten.

Perhaps the Catholics have a point - focusing on food too much should be one of the seven deadly sins. 'Gluttony' can certainly be powerful enough to rule your life if you let it. Ruin your health if you let it. Become an obessive and unhealthy problem...if you let it.

I won't let it. That's all there is too it.

King of Wands

CREATIVE INSPIRING FORCEFUL CHARISMATIC BOLD

Words for the King of Wands - Words for today. This card doesn't reflect my 'now' very well, but perhaps my near-future. Today I am actually unbelievably tired, in some pain, low on sleep, sliding into old, bad food habits...not ANY of the things respresented by the King of wands.

Hopefully things will turn around soon. Sleeeeeep. Neeeeeeed Sleeeeeeeeep.
Yvette

Two of Pentacles

Today's card is a new one for me: Two of Pentacles. In the card's spirit of FUN I decided to try to include the image here in my blog...it worked!

Now I should do some research on the right and wrong ways to credit the people and places that images and content are stolen from, since what I am doing is using http://learntarot.com/p2.htm.

Maybe for a day when I pull a justice card...

For today, I got to look back (after an evening draw) on JUGGLING things and being FLEXIBLE. Today was the first day of my week-long stint of four hours each day at my "Highest Paid Receptionist" job. Boy is it a juggling act. Incoming calls, my own "work" to try and do from a remote [SLOW!] system, and about a million things going on.

I also spent a lot of time pondering flexibility. Q4 is at an end, and my "project" should be over. As I struggled frantically with my juggling, I began to take seriously the idea of other possibilities. The joker in the picture can change feet, switch sides...maybe he can even flag down that boat in the background and take on a new life entirely.

I think this is poignant when I realize that I was dreading and refusing to consider an option which to me constituted failure: admitting that the team could not complete its work in one quarter. I was encouraged to do this by a fellow team member, and others agreed.

I am not-so-secretly relieved. I have been able to relax as just the 'receptionist' and not be resentful of the role-shift.

I am still worried that I will be held responsible - that it is my "fault" that the team was unable to complete the work. I feel that way because I DID a lot of the work...way more than I would have liked. So I feel that I did indeed fail my team and my company by allowing the project to be delayed. It is reasonable to feel this way. There is so much more I could have done...AND, it would not have been a group effort then. It would have been all-about-me. Not the point at all.

I'm not sure how to move forward with my decision. I feel I have failed, yet the work still has to get done. I do not feel EXTRA pressure to complete it...instead I want to just toss the whole thing.

I said "Yes"

Today is also the day that I told my husband I would marry him. December 15th, 2001. He sent me the sweetest reminder in the afternoon. It is amazing that he still thinks I'm the "bestest" thing that ever happened to him - his little apple icard made me all teary...

Some days it is hard to imagine that we have been together for more than five years. Other days I have a hard time remembering what life was like before him. (That's not true. I remember. It sucked.)

It is so easy to feel alone in this world. It is so powerful when you find a fellow human with whom you can bond. As we talk about exciting and intimate topics like, life insurance - oooh, baby - I really do understand why widows and widowers often die after their spouses - or wish they could.

When anything happens to my husband, I hurt. If he was suddenly gone tomorrow, I think Iwould be an emotional quadraplegic - I would be able to think and technically be alive, but there would be no connection to the loving function of my heart.

Six of Wands

Today is a big day. Today I generate the report that a handfull of folks have been working toward (and an equal number of people have been working against) for three months. We've been collecting data and drawing conslusions in line with our opinions. I'd like that last word to be "observations" but in good conscience, I'm not sure that is the case.

The Six of Wands is telling me that all the glory, acclaim and come-uppance are due for the hard work and angst poured in over the last 3 months. Today I have the task of summarizing and writing the report itself. Shouldn't be hard. I have a template to follow from last quarter. The task is writing, which I enjoy...which is...'effortless,' right?

Not so much. I came in and didn't get right to work. I did some reading, replied to some personal e-mails, worried a bit over some of the remaining, missing data...procrastinated. and I'm still doing it. Covering the front desk, writing in my blog - logging all the past missed days of no writing and projecting out my cards for the next few days as the season gets busier and busier. Is this an attempt to shorten my day, reduce the time I have...just in case I can't get the task done today. There's always tomorrow. And well, they don't need me for anything else .

I don't actually think the recognition is coming - I fear the opposite...retribution. I do honestly want to be helpful and support improvement within my company. I just wonder if I/the team have the ability - the knowledge to actually do that.

Ten of Pentacles

I'm often astonished at the sublime synchronicity of cards and days:

enjoying affluence
having material abundance
being free from money problems
enjoying business success
feeling financially secure
seeing your ventures flourish
having a run of good fortune

Hmmm. Let's see, I had a conversation (while having a manicure, how appropriate is that?) about how I'm in a place where I do not worry about money. Can't actually tell you what my bank balance is, and have very little worry that when I check it (which I don't do regularly) it will be lower than expected. As a result, I sent what most of my immediate family most wanted as gifts this year - money. Now they all think I'm rich...and I am. I can have what I want, when I want it. I can just say "make it so" and there's a BIG mirror in my bathroom, placed there by the handyman. Please take care of this, and a gardener friend shows up to prune for winter. Only the truly affluent can do that without worrying about the long-term affects. And I admit it. It feels great. Yesterday I was very consious of this.

seeking permanence
looking for a solution that will last
creating a lasting foundation
feeling secure as things are
being concerned with the long-term
having an orderly family life
moving beyond makeshift arrangements
nailing down the plan

Yesterday I shared with my "in the know" supervisor that I'm plannning to stay with my company for at least another year. Sometime over the past fefw days I made that decision: I *like* working 32 hours a week. I don't mind filling in as the receptionist. I *like* the security, even if I do miss the challenge. I can see some new, fun and different things filtering towards me, and I am ready to meet the challenges. I like having rapids only every few miles of a lazy river. And that is my golden opportunity here in my current job. A lazy river. Good pay, good benefits, good relationships. Good work-life balance. I can focus on improving my skills. I can focus on development for myself and the company. I realize this as I walk into my house, decorated for the holidays, with gifts under a 'Soltice' Tree. I am safe, secure and comfortable. I do not HAVE to change. It is my choice, and right now, I'm pretty cozy.

following convention
staying within established guidelines
proceeding according to the rules
taking part in traditions
becoming part of the Establishment
being conservative
trusting in the tried-and-true
continuing in known patterns

I sent Christmas gifts, even though I am not a "Christian." I do it because it is expected of me, and I am therefore choosing to express my appreciation for my hubby's family only at the time of the year that they find it acceptable to do so. So be it. It is a tradition, and I don't mind being part of the establishment...there is always the opportunity for subversion!

Four of Pentacles - reversed

The Four of Pentacles is already my friend - I see him whenever I've got that hoarding feeling.

Right now I have that feeling about time, weight management and money. Perhaps because I've been doing the gift thing - for myself as well as my family, I worry that money will suddenly be tight. Nevertheless, I forge ahead with home projects (I'll have a REAL mirror in my hall bath soon!), manicures and all the little things that make life feel good to me.

Another possible meaning is to block energy or progress, or fall back on the status quo. Tuesday was not a very move-and-shake day, that is true - the biggest thing I did was figure out (on my own) how to take advantage of some of my ad hoc reporting infrastructure.

All the data I found and was so gloriously happy about...then suspicious of...did turn out this week to be bunk. There is not a problem, and the dollar amounts I was seeing were ghosts of what might happen if our shipping volume dipped down below the deep, deep discount mark.

So, in a sense, I had to come to terms with the fact that the staus quo is correct - my company does not have a problem. An emotional letdown perhaps, as I was so glad to just be able to pull hard-data...but a GOOD THING for the company, nevertheless!

Wheel of Fortune

Spinning, spinning...The office is emptying. There is a funeral today. I believe it is indicative of our company culture that many, many people are going to a memorial service. It makes me ponder my relationship to the deceased, my relationship to all my co-workers and my perception of my workplace. [No, no pondering of death today - this was not an unexpected or traumatic death; "Just" a smoker].

I didn't expect so many people to be trickling out of the building. Men who generally wear T-shirts emblazoned with 'WTF?' arrived in dark suits and silk ties. Most wore black, though the supervisor of the deceased wore hot pink plastic hibiscus in her hair, a lei of shells, and a Hawaiian print skirt. Though she was close to her employee, and has been most directly affected by the loss, her clothing expresses celebration of life instead of mourning a death - Kudos for her!

And what about me? Why does this make me ponder my company culture? I can't imagine going to a funeral for a co-worker. I have a few co-workers that I consider friends as well - I would go to their funerals. But at what point (and what would be the point?) do you attend just to be off work for a few hours?

None. Nobody leaves work early because a funeral is better than working. Certainly none of the people I have seen pass through, headed into a cold and grey evening, appeared to be thinking "Woo-hoo! A Vacation!"

Which leads to the company culture. So why are they going? Were they close to their co-worker? Were there personal relationships under the surface? I suspect that in some cases, yes, but most cases, no...so why go?

It almost begs the question, why EVER go to a funeral?
Say Goodbye
Show Respect
Support the Survivors
Confront Mortality
Familial and Peer Pressure

And I think that it is the last item on this list which is revealing about the company. We act in so many ways like family. In some families, you are not allowed to skip the funeral of Great Aunt Ginny, even though you had not spent five minutes in her prescence since you were three. This company is one of those families.

While at some level, it is gratifying to know that my funeral would be well-attended were I to kick the bucket tomorrow, on another level, what function do a lot of strangers have cluttering the pews and nibbling the canapes?

Truly the only answer I can come up with is one I got from fiction, and in particular from the film The Great Gatsby. Thousands of people flocked to Gatsby's parties, yet no one but the narrator, Nick, and Gatsby's father are in attendance at the funeral. What a sad scene. To be mourned and remembered by no one. To have made no impact at all in the world.

I can understand that several dozen people, driving through the cold, willing to sing hymns, or speak about memories (fond or bland), would be a huge comfort to a family who has lost a loved one. The reason comes down to community. By rituals such as marriages and funerals are communities created and supported. Its a nice reason to go. Almost enough to make me wish I had. A selfless gesture.

So why didn't I?

A co-worker whose funeral I definitely WOULD attend was just on his way out, and expressed surprise that I had not chosen to go.
"I would go to YOUR funeral" I said, "but why would I go to the funeral of someone I didn't really know? I have been writing about this," I told him, "and all I can figure out is that it is peer pressure of a particularly familiar nature." He agreed, and added: "Resist Peer Pressure."
"Why didn't YOU go?" I challenged.
"I have quality of life issues," he replied. "In some cases (in this case) death is the best thing possible, but you cannot have that conversation with people at times when it would just make them more upset."

With that, he left the building, and bid me goodnight.

Knight of Wands

Knights are 'take charge' energy, and Friday I was certainly in a mood that was sympathetic to my card. Somewhat sadly, what I took charge of was holiday shopping, not so much what I get paid for. These little non-PTO holidays leave me guilty and paranoid, but I justify them as necessary breaks. A side effect of the modern worker. The worker without a 'product,' the worker who simply moves information around for a living.

Death and Holidays

I sent the following to a friend today:

Two great things that go great….oh, no wait. That’s not right.
Things you can be sure of?
Things that makes us grateful for our loved ones. Yeah, we’ll go with dat.

Hiya! I’ve been getting big ol’ hits’ the past few weeks and wanting to write to you, but not making the time to do it. My husband even said I should send an e-mail, and well, I can’t take that sort of thing from *him*. We would be talking about the sort of role reversal leading to equitable pay for men and woman, racial harmony and, no doubt, the end of the world Buffy style.

Well, holidays are coming, which makes me think of the people I would WANT to spend time with if I could…and you’re on that list. Then the death of an employee in our company was announced, and I talked to my brother about the nasty surgery that my poor little niece (who is 1 year old today) has to have in January. Life is just messy, and well, that makes me think of you too, for several different reasons.

I wanted to let you in on a new secret of mine: http://aspirationmachine.blogspot.com/
I’ve told only a handful of people I love and trust about it, because, well, it is just raw spewage. I figure it does give any folks who get ‘Yvette hits’ a chance to check in with me virtually and see what spaces I’ve been in before they commit to actual contact (which can be scary at times). I’m loosely stringing entries out on the thread of daily tarot card pulls which are as good a lens through which to look at life as any other I’ve tried. It has greatly improved my mood and confidence and I just Luuuuuuuv to write. Even if it is all trash, I like the process, and practice makes perfect. Well, really EDITING makes perfect, and that is so anti-blog, but I do practice
that too.

A reason I’ve been thinking of you is that I’ve been doing a lot of jewelry designing. An artist I met who is also a belly dancer owns a company called Beadzilla (http://beadzilla.com/). She makes LOVELY things, and does custom work with clients. I go beading, or look at my jewelry and think “I am NEVER going to wear this as-is” and I sit in her home, take it apart, look at her massive inventory, choose things, re-lay them out, and tell her how I’d like it constructed…and then she puts it all together. It is a dream come true…I don’t have to do any of the construction or learn how to manage the fiddly bits! I have designed a number of really lovely sets that I am enjoying wearing and receiving compliments on, and I can’t wait to have Mr. B take some photos to send to you.

So, that’s what’s up with me. It was great to hang out in April – always leaves me wanting more, so hopefully we can figure out how, when, where to make that happen. There’s always the possibility of a Michigan trip in early fall. I’d like to go back to the Cherry Republic, climb the sand dunes and see some of the UP at some point!

Most of all I hope that you are healthy, happy and enjoying
life.

Writing to friends and blogging look and feel much the same - which is kind of ridiculous, given that no one is actually reading the blog, except maybe the friends I would otherwise write to personally, instead of impersonally. So what does THAT mean?

The Emperor - Reversed

I feel pretty blase today. I sat in my car for 15 minutes after I arrived at work. Even though it made me technically 'late,' I could not handle getting out and going in. It was easier to be in the warmth, passively listening to the news. After I sat at my desk and realized I had no sense of urgency for any of my overwhelming pile of mind-numbing data collection and analysis tasks, I wondered what this had to do with The Emperor - reversed or not:

The Emperor represents structure, order and regulation - forces to balance the free-flowing, lavish abundance of the Empress. He advocates a four-square world where trains are on time, games are played by rules, and commanding officers are respected. In chaotic situations, the Emperor can indicate the need for organization. Loose ends should be tied up, and wayward elements, harnessed. In situations that are already over-controlled, he suggests the confining effect of those constraints.

Hmmm. Well, it seems that the card is reinforcing my tasks for the day:
1) Complete documenting the data
2) Review and start summarising
3) Analyze and understand
4) Draw conclusions

In my home life, I'm also sad and floundering about the HOW and WHY of the things I would like to have happen. It is the holiday season, and we are not traveling or being with family. I'm happy about this, as my family most often makes me crazy...on the other hand, I don't get the advantage of having a Christmas tree without the labor of putting it up myself - or a Christmas Dinner without some research in The Joy of Cooking.

We have the opportunity to be with friends, but I am somehow loathe to commit to the environment. Not feeling very friendly I suppose. I want to be with a different set of people - the ones that I am far from - instead of those close by. Those who (at the moment) I sense truly love and appreciate me - not the ones who live a few blocks away and never call.

I want a Christmas Tree, and presents, and decorations in my house. In general I'm fighting a 'move and change everything!' nesting vibe that has hit me rather suddenly.

All this chaos in my head makes me feel tired despite a good solid night of dreamy sleep. Makes me feel lonely despite the warm, laughing love of my husband. I feel mired, and I suppose The Emperor is telling me (like my own superego) to suck it up; Get organized, so that the energy can flow naturally instead of sinking...and taking me emotionally down with it.

Ace of Wands

A reocurring card, that's for sure. This is the card about creativity and new ways of doing things. I'm not in a very enthusiastic mood, but I did get a chance to talk to a friend who is.

After my interview at the company I didn't want to work for last week, I told them to give a call to a friend and previous colleague. Whether it was the strength of my interview skills or just because they planned to do it anyway, an hour later, she got a call and an interview! Hearing her enthusiasm for the job, and knowing that she is certainly a better match than I am, reinforced this idea that we can all act in the world in a creative way and with good intentions.

I've been wanting this colleague to succeed professionally for a long time. It is probably extremely unusual to provide a "competitor's" resume at the end of a job interview. Nevertheless, this action was about a different way of thinking about jobs. I considered what might be best for the company I was interviewing with. I called my friend and got her resume.

I went to my own interview, prepared to recommend her if I felt the job did not suit me, but might suit her. It was not a comfortable thing to do, but I felt I really had nothing to lose. The Ace of wands is also about Confidence and Courage - I had to trust that things would work out. I don't believe they would have - the recommendation would not have been taken at face value - if I had not done all of these things selflessly. And I have to say, I really enjoyed it.

Knowing I was helping a friend. Knowing I was potentially helping some random company I care nothing about. Knowing I was making connections and being a part of things happening. I suppose the rush comes from the "puppetmaster" aspect - but if the networking and relationship building and gatekeeping can occur with only the win-win in mind, can all the negative perceptions about the activities be negated? Can we just call it facilitation and end the conversation? Yet even in my own mind, the process takes on a shady tint.

Reminds me of something I heard on the radio. The mayor is in trouble for working out deals behind closed doors. Nobody's pocket got lined, no favors were exchanged. No individuals benefitted - only the citizens and the town as a whole. So there is a move by the City Council to censure him. Officially slap his hand for doing it all without informing the public.

So, what exactly are we paying our politicians FOR anyway? I thought we were paying for networking. I thought we were paying for charisma, negotiation and the ability to run our cities and governments smoothly so that society benefits. Slap his Public Relations Department instead, geesh!

Perhaps I only think that because I read too many SF and Fantasy novels with Kings in them. Power can be used for good or bad, but we are still electing officials and paying for them to have the power - why would we pay them and then hamstring them by telling them not to use it unless we're watching. Why would we make our officials responsible for the watching - that is OUR JOB!

Not only that, but what a sad state: Honest politics = Newsworthy. Nobody mentioned it, but how unusual would a headline be which said: "Secret deal making results in better quality of life for citizenry because mayor does his job well."

Card TBD

Did not have time to pull my card early in the day, so it will have to wait until later. Boy, have I felt sick today. Post-nasal-drip, acidy stomach, sore leg injury, burning eyes, runny nose...Yuckie.

I'm trying to keep my head-in-the-game despite feeling overwhelmed, overloaded, anxious and unmotivated. It is very hard. I fear failure.

The Tower - reversed

Sudden Change. Downfall. Release. Revelation.
Not so much, actually.

Tired. Need Sleep....

Five of Cups - reversed

Today's card is a new one. 5ofC is about loss, bereavement and sorrow. The only thing I felt the loss of today was time...it just seemed that a whole day of promise and potential slipped though my fingers.

I got a lot accomplished: Holiday gifts made and some even boxed up. Orders ready for my customers, and a package ready to be mailed. Business calls and things. And at the end, I cleaned everything up so that I won't have as much to do next week, before the crop I'm having.

No other sense of loss that I can think of. The day was quiet and fullfilling and domestic. Mindless occupation (Buffy and grinding herbs) kept me busy and distracted. No grief or despair occurred - which may mean some is coming.

I very much liked this story from the Joan Bunning description of the 5ofC:

In a story from Zen Flesh, Zen Bones, the master Hakuin is falsely accused of fathering a child. His reputation in the village is ruined, but he accepts this loss and takes tender care of the child for a year. Suddenly, the real father appears, and Hakuin willingly yields the child to its parents, accepting loss again. We who are not Zen masters may not flow quite so lightly with events, but we can learn from this story. The more we struggle to hold on to what is gone, the more we suffer.

I have definitely been the person to hold on to what is gone with an iron grip. I have, even very recently, mourned friendships years past; I often wish for opportunities to find and be close to friends who are out of my life.

Today wasn't about that though. The day was about my sweet, sweet husband, with whom I spent the whole day. Perhaps the card is warning of the IMPENDING DOOM of his workload. The next few months will be brutal and I will miss his wonderful, warm, kind, helpful presence. I SHOULD be preparing for this: Reminding myself that I can take care of everything and be ultimately supportive of him for as long as it takes for him to be successful at his new company, until their deadlines are met.

I hope that no matter what opportunitites loss brings, that I am fortunate enough to keep all my loved ones safe and close - to not actually lose someone I care about in the near future.

Ace of Wands

What a fantastic card to have on a business day! Creativity, Enthusiasm, Confidence and Courage - all of the things I need in my CM business.

I had a class scheduled for this afternoon that went extremely well. I believe I have three new, devoted customers who already scrapbook continuously, and will support my business long term. I also have a lifelong friend in my hostess. Such a talker! Such a good heart!

The day began with a treat - breakfast with a wonderful friend. She came to see me and we had a great time eating oatmeal and just chatting. I have so many friends who are terribly kind and supportive of my weight management and my hobbies and my passions - I am SO LUCKY!

An all round wonderful, take-charge day - considering I did not wake up needing to be put-down, like a lame horse. Last night at dance class I thought I had hurt my right leg badly. I hobbled to the car from dance class, and was in amazing pain trying to use the gas and break pedals on the way home. Luckily, I woke up this morning sore, but sound. A few more days off of the leg and lots of being careful for awhile and I should be fine. What a relief....

Page of Swords

It turns out that today's card was the Page of Swords (again). The Page is all about using your mind, facing problems, continuing to try and overcome problems honestly through analysis. Since the day was a really, really good one, and I finally managed to feel human again after the screw ups earlier in the week, I think the card does no a nice job of summing up.

I spent the whole day in analysis - transcribing data gathered through the week. I found numbers and metrics and had interesting conversations about what they might mean and what impact they might have. I spent time with people who are preparing to face the music - look squarely at data, interpret it and accept the findings as reality.

I also fough a little bit for my belief that not having God is equally as important as having him.
It was a great, productive day.

The only downside occurred after I left work late and went to dance class. I got a cramp or charlie horse in my right calf and ended up hobbling home, nearly unable to walk. I definitely logically faced the music on that one though - stopped dancing, went home, massaged and rested , and started to consider tand think about what moght be required of me if I REALLY want to be very active as I get older. These little muscle strains and problems are only going to get worse from here on out - I need to really work on being nicer to my body to make sure it lasts.

My hubbie was awfully kind, rubbing Icy Hot Cream into my legs, setting me up with rice bags and taking good care of me so that I could rest (and try to avoid PANIC. That was the worst - the panicky sense that I might have another injury which would put me out of the game for further months, like I was after New Zealand.)

Not what I wanted to talk about...

The Pagan trees are not even what I wanted to write about today, and since it is Friday, and since I've done a big chunk of work today that falls under the heading of "Because Yvette is a nice person," I'm taking a little extra time for myself to finish some thoughts.

I made someone's day today by being absolutely silly. And probably a lot more than one.

Our Operations Director came by my desk after lunch and told me that he hasn't laughed so hard, and so long in who knows how long. He saw me on my lunch-walk. He said I was rolling my head around on my shoulders, stumbling drunkenly down the sidewalk as a result of this odd behavior, and when I crashed right into a wall he could not help but laugh out loud, long and hard. "Hilarious," he said. "I was just cracking up and could hardly drive."

Some people might be offended, but I was overjoyed! It was like those "serious" runner girls a few posts back, to whom I pointed out that they could have more fun if they would run in the crunchy fall leaves! How wonderful that I was able to make him laugh out loud - derisive or not, I'm sure it was a good hormone release and will help him live longer and have an all-round better day.

There is humor in the world that I don't understand. A lot of it. Board in the face humor. Potty humor. Insult humor. Slapstick humor. A long list of things many people find funny that just turn my stomach. And yet. And yet.

If I could do the same thing, and walk into another wall tomorrow, in order to make my co-worker laugh again, I'd do it. After all, I didn't ACTUALLY walk into a wall or damage myself in any way. I was having fun, being a little silly - trying to get my back and neck muscles to relax, letting the rotations travel all the way down my body...it felt GREAT!

The realization that someone saw, and interpreted my actions as potentially retarded and derisively humorous bothers me NOT AT ALL. (At least in this case.)

"What? You don't waggle your whole body and shake it out to relax your muscles when you are exercising? You should try it! And thank you for telling me you enjoyed the performance - I am so glad I could brighten your day!"

Pagan Trees

So the "Christmas" tree is a theft by the Christians, who stole the idea from the pagans, in order to shed less blood, when they forcibly converted them, by not taking away all of their holidays and symbols....Right? I'm not sure why I think this, but it is a "story" in my brain about our culture.

Americans then go and make the whole season worse with their emphasis on a possibly historical gesture by three travellers in robes.

I just finished a testy conversation with our nice, self-styled 'old broad,' the receptionist. I just heard that "they" want to turn Christmas Trees into Holiday Trees.

"...And there's that guy who wants to take Christ and God out of everything..." she said, offhandedly.
"That's okay by me!" I replied, cheerfully.
"Well it is Not. Okay. With me." she stated...and then I watched her hackles rise:
"I would never presume to go to another country and tell them how to celebrate their holidays or which ones they could / couldn't celebrate but that is what is happening here! They aren't 'holiday trees' they are Christmas Trees."

Me pointing out that they are actually subjugated pagan trees did not seem to help the matter. We went through the standard arguments:

Me: We have separation of Church and State.
Her: No, we don't, our country was founded by Christians who came here to practice their religion.
Me: Founded by people who came to escape religious persecution.
Her: Grumpily making her way out of the lobby...

I don't even remember the name of the Pagan holiday. I don't care if we call them Christmas or Holiday trees. I honor and respect people's right to worship in their homes and churches.

They cant do it in public or in *my* backyard though. That's what Bein' 'Merican means.

I think calling them 'Holiday Trees' can only raise awareness within the right wing, conservative, Christian Coalition and followers that some of us are not going to let the country go without a fight.

No Card....Yet

I didn't have time this am and was too tired last night to pull today's oracle card. I don't have a topic to write about, so I'll just say WHAT A FABOO DAY!

All the stress and angst of my painful f#%k up on Tuesday; The "back to work" Blues; The effects of inclement weather - thunderrainwind; The job interview...What a week - and it was only THREE DAYS!

I'm so happy that it is Friday, that I maintained my weight despite Turkey day, that the sun is shining over a fresh and bright world, that people who love me are all around, and there is so much potential for good and rightness in the world.

I'm hoping that my workday will actually be about encouraging that goodness and rightness. Though I may be slogging through entering data and crunching numbers - without those numbers, we can't know what the effects are of our decisions. From the data I hope to still be able to drive this organization in very positive ways.

But, wasn't there a JOB INTERVIEW in the mix, you ask? Well, yes, but why would I move to another company when I can be comfy? As long as I can keep myself engaged and have days like this...isn't it worth it? I think I need to be honest with myself - relationships are important to me. I have a lot of GREAT working, and some good personal, relationships within this company. Unless everyone I like leaves suddenly, why NOT stay? Why not build my CM business? Why not do community service work with ASTD to stretch my skillset? Why not be in a job I am suited to where new and different things may be few and far between, but when they do arise I have a HUGE measure of control over projects? Why not keep my proximity to my home, husband and community? What if, I could learn to be happier with the smaller daily challenges?

There is so much to work on. Conflict is a great example. I am SO AFRAID of talking to certain people. What if I just told them that. What if I found ways to build those relationships? Okay, time to go....

Wheel of Fortune

And again with the Wheel of Fortune, though today it feels like Weal of Fortune. There's a great huge, hot, red, swollen wound on my soul from a screw up yesterday. Fortunately, it is healing a little bit, but still throbbing and painful.

I absolutely HATE it when I screw up. I hate it when the "Bad at Relationships" whip cracks across my blind side. That hate makes the wounding deeper and worsens the situation for everyone.

When I received an e-mail from a [Lazy, Sarcastic, Disengaged] employee yesterday, I reacted badly. I processed my over-reaction in writing to my/her managers [both allies of mine in this not-a-war].

Then I felt the hot blood of the anger and hurt from taking her words too personally start to clot and grow cold. Re-reading the e-mail I had sent, I realized I was behaving in a cowardly fashion. What I needed to do was not complain about the individual, but engage the person in a discussion. Face the music.

That person was not available at the moment I realized this and went to find her. If she had been, it probably would have been THE WORST possible time to deal with her. It sounds so unlikely, but I can tell you that to not have access to getting it all out in-the-moment was as painful a shock as the initial gash in my flesh. The wound re-opened with a loud ripping noise. I literally saw red, felt like I was going to pass out, and realized I had been holding my breath for what might have been minutes.

Make contact. Confront. Manage the conflict. I sent an e-mail. [Bad choice, oh well.]

I thought it was surprisingly positive and neutral toned as I re-read it. I felt generous. I felt as if I had managed to overcome her obvious, and fruitful attempt to push my buttons. I even offered to help overcome the barriers to the [self-imposed] limitations on her resources devoted to our mutual project. I entreated the co-worker to let me or her manager know how we could get the outcomes regardless of the time limit.

Actually, I just went back and re-read the e-mail (2 days later). I substituted my name and my manager's name to see what it felt like to read it out loud as if someone had sent it to me. I interpreted it as a cold, uncompromising set-down, from someone who I was accountable to. And that is what I was going for.

I've had trouble with flaming people via e-mail before, but this time I was sure I had managed the effort quite well, and all I could say was, "I'm getting a lot better, aren't I?" to my manager. But no. She interpreted it differently. Her feedback to me in our 1:1 was that it could be construed as a threat. A THREAT!?! Well, that wheel does spin, doesn't it?

So the day was up, down, around and completely topsy-turvy. I got lashed by the co-worker and pummeled by my emotional upheavals. How much of that reaction is me, my baggage and I? How much is the first-day-back-to-work-after-a-holiday? How much of it is only because I really, really CARE about doing good work?

Sometimes it just hurts so bad to live in this world, you know? The problems don't have to be big to have a huge emotional effect if you are the type of person who cares; Who bothers to GIVE A SHIT! Now the search goes on. I will someday master the art of always including the 'a.'

Conquering Queen

I'm back from a several hour stint with my niece and sister-in-law. I learned a few things:

1) You can't really take pictures of a baby and watch it at the same time
2) You can't talk on a teeny cell phone and push a stroller at the same time
3) Husbands rock! (especially when they talk you through having maybe lost something important)
4) computers with the chair facing a wall and the back open to several doorways and widows and the center of the room, when any second a creepy old-guy roomate might come walking in unexpectedly set me on edge and I think I'll stop writing now....

Tomorrow, when my husband brings his laptop, maybe I'll talk about how fun the baby was, while I kept my sense of humor. And how nice it was to have serious conversations with my sister-in law....but for now I'm going to go hide in my room behind a locked door and escape into fiction...

Queen of Swords

It is hard to write when you are surrounded by a layer of filth. Dust, skin, grime. Soiled human souls spewing foul language. Yuck.

Suffice it to say I'm not having much fun at my dad's place at the moment. He has a grimy giant of a retired military guy as a housemate, and every phone conversation ends with "sonnafabitch."

I don't think it is that they are just a different generation. If that was the case I'd find all old men utterly creepy, and I don't. But this is a class of old men. They wash and only stay clean for a few minutes. Then they become covered in the detritus of sadness and meaninglessness.

Knight of Pentacles

I've not yet seen so many descriptors....in such an interesting format....from my tarot cards. On a day I am ready to wrap up a couple of weeks of prep work and go on vacation to see my friends and family, I'm intrigued:

UNWAVERING..........STUBBORN
CAUTIOUS..........UNADVENTUROUS
THOROUGH..........OBSESSIVE
REALISTIC..........PESSIMISTIC
HARDWORKING..........GRINDING

Well, I know we've all felt this. Good qualities that can be overused or somehow "gone wrong." No task I've attempted today feels like this, but then again, perhaps the Knight is someone ELSE in my environment. Someone like the work friend giving me a lift to the airport? Or perhaps her arch-nemesis, another person I work with. I quite like BOTH of them, and yet they have the toughest time working together.

In fact, I ended up having lunch with the Pres of the company today at the company outdoor picnic tables, inadvertently. He is very Knight-ish and I can see that many of his qualities cross over the line (especially in the opinions of certain people within the company). Something to think about.

I'm barely keeping my eyes open today. I stayed up very late to see HP:GOF at the midnight movie and went to bed around 3am. Since the alarm went off before 7am...boy am I feeling like having a nap. Definitely sleep on the plane.

HP:GOF was a good, but not a great movie. Too bad, because there is *so much* there to work with. I felt like the things that made the book so unforgettable - the little details - were left out in favor of dragon chase scenes. Maybe that's mostly me. I would rather have seen more about the changing relationships between the three main characters and a little more mystery with the pensieve, and less dragons and lake and maze, oh my.

There were some fantastic lines though, which seems to be a recurrent theme in the movies I've seen recently. They're worth it if some good writer can work in a few memorable, well-timed lines. Oh, and Voldemort was wonderfully, perfectly evil. The crew working on these movies have a talent for creating - incarnating the caracters from the book somehow...but then I feel like they just do'nt follow through on what to DO with them. I suppose that sort of thing is always easier in books anyway. That's why we read them.

Seven of Swords

Aaaaaaarrrrgh! Time, Time, Time....I need more time! I have not written a post in several days. So many pent up stories...

Today work (and work) are crazy-busy - the way I like to be. On the flip side, my writing suffers, my introspection halts.

I'm preparing to head out for a week's holiday in AZ. I will get to visit with friends and family and have a change of scene. I hope to spend (at least some) time writing.

Travel is tough while on my weight management program - 1/2 of my suitcase is full of program food and tools for concocting it! The upside is that I get to fill the case back up with SHOPPING, and PRESENTS and SOUVENIERS!

I'm not really sure what the 7ofS is saying to me today. When I turned this card over I thought "Oh, a mountebank or charlatan has just managed to steal all the swords of a group of knights or nobleman attending the fair with flags flying in the background. He looks pretty happy about running off with them, but he's looking back to make sure he isn't followed."

My instincts are good - the keywords for this card are RUNNING AWAY, LONE WOLF STYLE, HIDDEN DISHONOR. Well, one out of three...? Today I did a little "running away" and procrastinating from other projects because of a priority change (last minute training requirement with an immediate deadline). Yes, I was excited to do something different with my day, and relieved to be out of the grind...but I don't see that there is any dishonor in it - hidden or otherwise.

Certainly the "lone wolf" piece fits me not at all...except that I definitely AM the lone wolf at work. No one else works with me or knows what/how I do my work. The card could be reminding me that my choice not to look at at job listings this morning is a bad one because I don't do my BEST work alone. I really SHOULD be focusing on my goal of having a new, better position in March. Of course I also toy with the idea of building my CM business up...but I have doubt that I could make enough money to pull my weight in our household.

I relate most to the apparent happiness and "getting away with it" aspect of this card. Today I definitely got away with avoiding some boring work, procrastinating my packing, being in denial that I'm leaving on my trip (TOMORROW!) and have no hair conditioner yet to take with me...Hmmmm. Yeah, some avoidance going on there :)

What I didn't avoid (but only narrowly) was the knowledge that I HAVE to keep my PA up very HIGH in order to have a sucessful weight loss week next week, during Thanksgiving. I was going to skip it and just do work, but instead I walked with a co-worker and ran for about 40 minutes.

Today, with some music playing brightly and the sun shining loudly, I felt GREAT as I did a full minute of hardcore RUNNING. My heart rate was up over the limits set by my watchful watch (Thanks for the present sweetie!), but it was worth it. I was out of breath, but felt POWERFUL - almost like I was outrunning fat and calories and negative self esteem!

This afternoon I have not been able to outrun the boredom. I'm hungry, have the muchies and can't settle down to any one task. AT LAST I have had a moment to make my afternoon tea, and eat a little program treat with it. BIG swigs of water, and tea and benefit bar down, I'm starting to feel calmer and as if I could go back to doing some useful work again. For now, I think I'll open some of the past five days and see what was going on!

Ace of Swords

I wonder if writing is one of the things spurring so much time in the swords suit? Mental force, Truth, Justice, and Fortitude are things the card tells me to apply to...what? My haircut? That's the big thing on my plate today - decide on a hairstyle and color. Oooh, baby.

In the card desription, the language is all forward-looking: It may not be here today, but watch for a challenge that will test you. I wonder what that might be? (hint: I doubt it is the haircut). I keep saying that what I want from my new job is challenge - change - skill development. Perhaps this is a good sign it is coming sooner than later.

"This card tells you that you do have the inner resources to overcome all obstacles and find the truth of your situation."

Whew! That's a relief!

TITLE FOUND!

So, after a little bit of time and patience expended in browsing the long set of settings available to me, I found the "Display a Title?" option and turned it ON. YAY! I feel so accomplished.

And yes, I know that feeling of accomplishment is a little pathetic - but I'm proof that they will let ANYONE blog these days...Blog and Circuses!

Why should it bother me so much not to title my posts? No idea. Well, really, "Lets go idea:" The title of something is really quite important. I use it as a starting place, or an executive summary, or as foreshadowing. Plus, I find it FUN to think up a title (that's the main reason I wanted one).

Besides, my blog hero uses them. And well, since he's my hero and all, I want to be as like him as possible, right? Well, maybe not today. Today we saw blogblah. Not worth the time it took to refresh.

My hero goes through phases where his blog is great and personal and meaningful...and Not. I am right there with him that there's only so much time in the day, and well, I'm the highest paid receptionist in Silicon Valley at this very moment, so I shouldn't talk.

On the other hand, if I knew it would be packed with the kind of wonderful, true and funny narrative that originally made me an addict...well, I might pay to read it. Might. Definitely as much as buying a paper.

There's nothing like getting paid to do what you consider "fun." I really want to get to that place 100% of the time someday. Someday Soon.

Later, the same day...

Again I took a second or two to revisit the moon description. It is so rich that it is possible to see anything in the interraction of intent and interpretation.

Here is what rings true as the afternoon wears on painfully
slowly. The Moon effects can be:

"feeling bewildered, losing direction and purpose, having trouble thinking clearly, becoming confused, being easily distracted, feeling disoriented, wandering aimlessly"

Let's just say it hasn't been the most productive day ever and I'm glad I have nowhere to go but HOME tonight. Much of my energy from the AM has drained out of me, through the conduit of my chair. Even getting up and walking at lunch with a friend has left me feeling more tired in this early afternoon. I think I need bouillon too - lack of sodium is a far more likely cause of lightheadedness and mild headache than the effects of an enitrely moonlit day.

As I look back at my AM posts I also realize that the following descriptors are uncannily accurate:

"stimulating the imagination, having vivid dreams or visions, opening to fantasy, plumbing the unconscious, entertaining unusual thoughts, being outlandish and bizarre"

Pomegranate anyone?

The Time Table

I dreamt a very cool SF story in the making last night (so if you are reading this, that is The Time TableTM to you!). When or how the story will come to be is as yet unknown, but the idea is straight out of my dreaming mind - and I'm so grateful to have access to it today!

The table was actually last in a series of dreams that flashed one after the other just before my waking state took over. The first flash was what some might consider a nightmare, but that I didn't feel particularly upset about at the time, therefore not a nightmare to me.

The scene was very strange: OBGYN setting, seen through my eyes, as the patient. I'm pregnant, which is a little disturbing, as that is a state I hope never to find myself in. I'm sitting up, dressed in an open-backed hospital gown. My legs are spread open, and I'm looking at the space between them, where a medical tray is being held by the doctor. On the tray are kernels of bright, yellow corn and light pink - nearly transparent, ripe pomegranate seeds.

I know somehow that these have come from inside of me - like bleeding some pregnant woman experience. The doctor is commenting on how odd the excretions are, but does not seemed alarmed, and I somehow know that they are simply a sign of having a healthy product contained within me.

I chose those descriptors carefully - in the dream, I don't think it is a "baby" I'm pregnant with - otherwise the scene would have been more disturbing and nightmarish. There is instead something inside of me growing, building and ready to be born - the symbols of corn and pomegranate seem to indicate that it is simply time to (or close to time to) give birth; Harvest the growth within that is ready to be in the world.

I am going to ignore for the moment the fact that only corn is of the harvest, while pomegranate seeds are the food which will trap you in the long winter of Hades. Yes. Definitely going to pretend I don't know about that.

There was a second flash-dream which was less clear. It involved shifts in time around a Victorian style home most like the Dunsmuir house of any house I can recall being inside of. There is a family in the home, and the family members change, and time passes. Styles of clothing change, from the 1840s to 80's and then into the 19teens. The people look different, and my presence there is as an observer. These flashes set the stage for the Time Table, which I start to clearly see on a second story landing.

Most of the dream characters are concerned with someone in a room off of the landing who is ill. I have the awareness however, that the illness (or someone trying to prevent the illness?) is slowing the passage of time.

They are doing this by tampering with the Time Table: A huge table that is a crazy dream combination of pool table, sand table and HO scale model railroad table.

Standing at pool table height, with a pool table lip, the Time Table is filled with a very fine and soft beach sand. The expanse is molded into ruts and curves and hills. A ropey substance lays in the grooves and over the contours of the table. Solid and heavy, the ropey substance is melded into place over the sand's surface - not causing any change to the variety of sand heights and depths despite its weight. I feel how the heavy cable is simply lying without impact on the miniature landscapes, while at the same time utterly immovable and cemented in place.

In front of me is a tool - like a fancy Levenger ballpoint pen with screw-on cap. Large, and streamlined at both ends, this tool lays in a shallow groove of sand running along the edge of the table. From the back end of the tool stretches the ropy substance - the thread of life.

The pen-tool isn't moving through the sand, but I know that it needs too in order for the world to spin and everyone to keep on living. Struggling, against what antagonist I do not know, I reach the edge of the table and start to pull the pen along its route in the sand. Slowly at first, with the cording trailing behind, I manage to pull faster and faster - getting time going again.

Now I am having fun, zooming the finely braided rope back and forth to create patterns. My action is actually similar to a pastry chef making swirls of frosting in luscious patterns on a cake surface - but I don't have to squeeze - the time thread of life just flows for me.

I am laying lines next to each other, allowing them to overlap, and feeling a moment of disoriented vision as people meet, bump into each other and become a part of each other's lives. I create layers of round coils, building up in height around a little mountain of sand. I realize this is a city, or a catastrophic event where thousands, millions of lives intersect.

Luckily, although it is a narrative let down, I woke up before I got in over my head like Milo directing the sunrise.

The Moon

Today's card is The Moon. The Moon is a "reinforcing" card to the Two of Swords (yesterday). Like the 2ofS, I pulled the card reversed, diluting its influence. Again I felt anxious and fearful when I pulled the card - no surprise, since I knew a little bit about the card from reading about the 2ofS...enough to experience the light touch of dread.

Keywords include: Fear, Illusion, Imagination, and Bewilderment.

Being under the moon is navigating an unknown, alien landscape that I fear I am not equipt for. I interpret this to be a little bit about a new project that I conceived of last night, based on what I learned in my seminar.

The project requires using skills long unused, and other abilities that might be strong, but will have to be used in an entirely new way. I deeply fear that I will not be successful because while contemplating the project, although I feel it is important work and "should" be done for me to consider my tenure in this position complete - in reality, the work does not thrill me with intrinsic gratification. It is so much easier to tread the path towards a known and loved destination than follow a map into a strange arena of unknown potential.

(My husband points out that weaknesses are targets for "practice" and "growth." I think he was channeling me.)

It is also possible that The Moon reflects the imaginative and creative impulses from my inpiring evening. I walked away from the hotel with dozens of ideas for implementing and re-working and integrating learning in new ways. The variety is in fact bewildering, and I'm a little lost with how to begin!

I especially like The Moon's reference to how something can change your whole outlook:

"If you look around the room right now, you will (probably!) see people and objects that are comforting in their familiarity. Everything is exactly as you expect it to be. You know that if you closed your eyes and opened them, the room would be the same. But...have you ever lost the familiar to find, in its place, a world so extraordinary you can't even grasp it? This is the experience of the Moon."

I feel this way, and one piece of that is remembering my dreams from last night. More about that later.

Following a Rainbow

Like ancient sailors navigating by the northern star, today I made my way to work by keeping straight towards a rainbow. The rainbow felt like a bendiction in the sky above me. Going to work has not felt so full of promise in a long time.

I was inspired by a seminar last night, and then came home and talked for hours with my husband about his work, my work, the world, our lives...and this morning I popped out of bed, raring to go. How did that rainbow know?!?! Or did I put it there...?

Two of Swords - Reversed

Does it occur to any of you theoretical readers that my cards are almost REFLECTING issues I am coping with, versus "predicting" them or even giving insight into daily commentary on them? Chicken and egg, I know, but interesting how I create associations with things that have happened; Things I have mused on recently; I continue to pull cards which seem related...because well, my brain content and awareness haven't changed!

The keywords for this card are: Blocked Emotions, Avoidance, Stalemate
I'd like to point out that I'm using my Learning Tarot text by Joan Bunning to find all this stuff. I HIGHLY recommend it! You can use her online version here: www.learntarot.com

When the Two of Swords card showed up, upside down, it felt very strange. Some of the cards are pictured in such a way that the image feels balanced upside-down or right side up - not this card!

When I turned it over this morning I had a very strong, recoiling reaction to it. Mentally I kicked in quickly with the self-reassuring knowledge that this only means the power/effect/influence is lessened, but I have no idea why the recoil was so strong. Visually it is not a "feel good" card - solitary figure, blindfolded, defending herself with nothing solid at her back - only water. Not a positive image.

The key phrases that speak immediately to my life include, "keeping another at arm's length," "staying stuck," and "choosing not to know." All of these phrases apply to some aspect of my life right now.

I can see how I have been working on the issue of pushing aside those who enjoy my creative energies. They offer praise and affection in order to share their enjoyment and gratitude. and my instinct is to keep a distance from those people - keep them at arms length (at least).

I may also be failing to take on the fear of knowing how not changing jobs / career / responsibilities is effecting me. Or choosing not to be in therapy right now for the effects the early abuse has had on me as an adult. Or choosing not to know about something else I haven't identified yet :)

Maintaining several of my relationships feels like being "stuck" right now. In this category I'm including my home business relationships - instead of getting unstuck and developing better ways to serve my clients, I'm neglecting them because I fear rejection. I COULD be finding ways to move them along to new places - the fact that I am not expending energy there could also be part of the message of this card.

The desire to act and the desire to be passive are so constantly at war within me. I delight in poking and prodding and lighting fires under myself and other "stuck" people. I also want to just relax, and BE, and soothe myself. Take a step back and let the routine become easy (or at least routine!).

These inner conflicts are a daily challenge for me. They cause anxiety and stress and I often ignore the symptoms, or medicate with food and work (real or imagined). How to crack the tendency to see these desires in opposition - something I fight with mental daggers (or swords) is as yet unclear. Perhaps tomorrow's card will have a possible resource or solution...

From Page of Swords to Two of Wands

Yesterday’s focus – Page of Swords (USE YOUR MIND, BE TRUTHFUL, BE JUST, HAVE FORTITUDE) was on being truthful, just, and moving out of the depression of the weekend. I spent 5 hours with Beadzilla and we created the most amazing things.

From my odd, leftover beads, her vast store of amazing materials, my “color sensitivity,” and her construction skill, we started and finished 10 pieces, and designed 2 more!

Oh, if I could just sit with paper or fabric or beads all around me and whirl them into creations (that someone else would construct) my life would be PERFECT! As for now, I am content to pay for the priviledge.

The creation energy is something I now realize is also very effortlessness. For me it is an expression of the QofP - the ability to make do and create and survive with whatever is to hand. I enjoy having a starting place, a finite set of things that get whisked into an incredible design. One inspiring piece of fabric. A single, off-color pendant, that combines with other tones and shades to make an incredible piece of jewelry. Yum-mmmmy!

The other fascinating part of working with someone on design is that is can click, or not. Beadzilla was telling me a story of two clients, sisters, who wanted to work some meaningful findings into jewelry that they would wear together. Six hours and a big headache later, they had something...but not something great. One sister came back after all the work and said it needed to be re-worked again.

In contrast, we had a blast and the designs just flowed from the board, under her tools and into wonderful, unique little works of art! At the end of the day I was again in a place where I was wrapped in loving gratitude and compliments. Beadzilla expressed appreciation for my design, my color sense and the sheer productivity of the day.

This time, when I felt the urge to creep away, and deflect the compliments, I had to work at staying present - accepting them and being warmed by them. I tried to think about the fact that Beadzilla has little or nothing to gain from false compliments or toadying. We genuinely had fun working together and creating and just spending a nice, gloomy fall afternoon in each other's company.

Making a conscious choice to face the praise squarely and not let it frighten me or turn the relationship into a mistrustful one, felt great. Compliments are from outside. They are the gratitude and expression of another person's point of view - to refuse to hear them can be seen as disrespectful and downright rude.

I LIKE thinking about things this way - even if my past has trained me that compiments cannot be trusted and can be horribly misused, I can make a conscious choice to hear them no matter what and seek the true message.

In this case, I left with my whole being lightened.

What the Two of Wands will bring me today, I do not know. Key words are: PERSONAL POWER, BOLDNESS, ORIGINALITY. I have no immediate sense of how that will play out - but it felt great to vote this morning (a personal power) and I look forward to opportunities for originality!

Chariot Indeed

Relationships are the most important thing in my life. That's why there are TWO fish in the pisces symbol, right? (I know, not really, but hey, there may be something to that!)

Well, it bothered me HUGELY that I could even write down the "truth" of feeling a little distanced from my husband. I decided I needed to be more responsible about that relationship and DO something.

So I went out of my way to engage him in conversation and express my feelings. As always, my wonderfully attentive and caring companion was there to give me BIG hugs and talk about making sure I stop feeling that way. That felt so good!

We had a very disrupted night - Birdie nightmares at 4am...strange noises at 5am...then the wakeup alarm at 6am. Even though we were both exhausted from lack of sleep and interruption, my sweetie was willing to get up and go have fun doing exercise with me. It was so kind and supportive, and I was terribly grateful and I told him so!

It was certainly an emotional change from the weekend - and I know better now that the receding and then rejoining will be an ongoing process in our relationship. It is just something that seems to happen naturally with introverts and extroverts - probably with every couple.

Especially now that he is wrapped up in important and exciting new work, I feel so cherished when I actually manage to gulp down my pride. Every occasion when I ask for attention he is more than happy to spend time with me and talk and laugh and be silly...all the things at the core of our relationship being a very happy one!

Weekend Blues

I pulled two contrary cards this weekend, neither of which could lift a glum mood I've been in since Friday night. In that post, I did a little confronting of how I react to compliments (badly). I've stayed sad from that awareness all weekend.

Other little things have upset me too, like what I learned on Saturday from the Ten of Wands (Overextending, Burdens, Struggle). Saturday was a "workday" for myself and the customers of my Creative Memories Business. I had only 1 customer who wanted to come and work all day, but I had 2 old co-workers who RSVPd that they would attend a class (Woo-Hoo! An opportunity to build the business some more!). Except that they didn't come. Which has been happening a lot to me lately. So, I felt as though I had wasted my day and that it was a letdown.

Now, I blame the right person for this - I blame ME. I don't have phone numbers for the folks who RSVPd, and I had not seen or spoken to them in a long while. I half-expected them to call and cancel, but I got more and more hopefull as no call came. And then less and less hopefull as the time for the class slipped by. As a good hostess/coordinator I should have connected with them in person and confirmed the class, but in this case, I wasn't sure how to. I took a lot on faith and got burned.

I've also gone a bit out of my way to do some favors for members of the team I work with - resulting in lots of positive results for them...and nothing for me. I'm feeling a little irritated by that. A little jealous and a little angry. One of the Ten of Wands descriptors is "working so hard you can't even see which way you're going." That is me all over right now. Working the CM business even though I have only a tiny idea what I want from it. Working at my main job even though it is very frustrating right now. Working around my house too, even though I'm a bit unhappy with my neighborhood, neighbors and the "little irritations" of being a homeowner.

I'm working, working, working...and all it is getting me is material happiness (I don't worry much about money these days) and stress about not being happy. The security of the material wealth is great; I am VERY grateful...but the things that are important, now that I have a measure of wealth, FEEL unattainable at the moment - time with friends, travel, bonding time with my husband, who I feel distanced from lately.

Saturday was a day of both too much work and too much free time to ponder things with no direction. lingering in the doldrums. It didn't help that a chronic health issue picked yesterday to turn up and put me in physical pain too. I retreated to my bed hurting and _hurting_.

Today was supposed to be a better day. A Funner day. One of the "No Plan" free days where we can be spontaneous. I pulled the Chariot - a powerful, winning card with words like VICTORY, WILL, SELF-ASSERTION, HARD CONTROL.

Ha. Not bloody likely. I took the card as a signal to focus on "winning" behaviors. Some stretching and light exercise, using eqipment I had bought but never used. Mowing the lawn and spending some time with my bird - all good. Leading to victory in the long term around my weight maintenance and home goals.

But being outside reminded me of all the things that overwhelm - the garden (oxalis is evil!), the patio...so much to do.

Then after finishing some chores and getting ready to go see a fun play, one little thing that I'd forgotten I wanted to do was remembered...and my emotional neutrality plummeted. I was suddenly cussing and super-angry that I'd forgotten! Completely bummed that the errand wasn't going to be done.

I had a terrible time trying to problem solve getting the issue taken care of AND do the fun things for the day. My husband reacted quietly and by going off and trying to fix the problem. Good man, wrong instinct. This made me mad. What made me even madder is that the errand, which would have been painless to do with company, now has to be done on my off/alone day. I have plenty of time to do it, but I don't want to do it alone - it is a big irritation. AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!

Ridiculus you say? Well, yes. Suffice it to say that the errand was already a layer of irritation on top of another on top of another. No escape. and that's what I want most - escape. I don't want to live my life for a little while. I don't want to go to work, think about all the things I am committed to; Do the chores and fight the battles. I DON'T WANT TO!

Well, guess I'd better go call my mother...

Engage

A colleague on the phone just told me I am fully in-life...fully living. A being with "yummy" energy. My matron of honor at my wedding described me as having and bringing joyfullness to those around me. Co-workers and strangers have given me the nickname "sunshine" several times throughout my life. Everyone I've ever met says I'm fun, and I've adopted that as my signature adjective.

Well. Woo-hoo for the world! WIIFM?

Okay, that's pretty cynical...VERY cynical, but reflecting on the compliment and on the fun and productive conversation I just finished, I think, and I wonder (and I worry a bit) - why would I never label myself with these attributes? Why do I have a hard time BELIEVING that those things people say about me are actually ME? Where is the disconnect?

I expect that if I was a truly joyfull, sunshiny, glass-half-full, spoonful of sugar gal, that I, ME, MYSELF would benefit. But No. When I am alone I am bored. I am sad. I am unmotivated. I hurt. I am angry. I am sneaky, mean, and I crave chaos in order to get attention.

What I find is that instead, the chemical reaction of joy needs the catalyst of a social interraction. Sit with me, touch me, write to me, call to me, look for me, respond to me, and I am engaged. I can be, will be or will become for you (and for me) the Queen of Pentacles.

What is so different? What flips the switch?

This theme is not new. Writer-lier writers have been writing for ages about the split between our self as we know us and the person the outside world can interract with.

What I know is that there is nothing that sends me deeper into a depression than writing down how Great, and Accomplished and Worthy I am in say...a resume. Or the emotional backlash of someone singing my praises, which ranks in as a close second. I outwardly manage to choke past a "Thank You" and watch my little spirit running away into dark places screaming "Not IT, Not IT - NOT IT!"

It occurred to me just now that I have descibed the way my soul literally runs away from those I love who try to gift me with compliments. It also comes to me in the same moment of awareness that this is connected to my personal work as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

Not always, not in every case, but certainly in the very recent past, I can feel the joy and engagement and sharing and loving retract, and close like a sea anemone poked with a sharp stick.

All that floating, colorful, natural beauty curled into itself - digesting itself with no prey. Afraid and hurt and closed for buisness.

A sad metaphor. The difference is that the anemone's reaction serves it, and I'm not sure mine serves me. Vestigial Soul Compaction. Just as unnecessary as it is impossible to pronounce.

Would I be more joyful if I left my soul out in the open? Let compliments and gratitude flow through me and around me and over me and trusted that their touch would be soft and gentle instead of sharp? Make my colors brighter instead of dissapearing?

Prey for thought. This arena is how I choose, right now, to engage myself. To think (alone) and create (alone) and be joyful in each moment (even though I sit here alone.)

Did I just see....??

I swear that everytime I log onto this site and start to write I see a new feature/function/option. Just now I saw a "tab" I've never seen before: Moderate Comments.

Whoa! Is someone out there READING THIS? Commenting on it? What possible reason could there be for a moderating comments tab aside from there suddenly being comments?

SO. Now I get e-mails if there are comments. (Which there aren't) Whew. I don't mind the potentially bizillion audience - but I would start to feel differently if there was an ACTUAL audience. I'm happy to languish in anonymity in my corner of the webworld.

I'm also happy to suddenly have an audience that asks questions or wants me to write about anything anyone wants to hear about. Lets face it, right now this is my Aspiration Machine, but I am ready to generously share in the generation of the aspirations of others!

That was a horrible sentence and I'm not touching it with my 10' pole. Mostly because it is strapped to my backpack and would be awkward at the receptionist's desk.

I'm ready to rest this weekend and recuperate. I've been tired and short-tempered with everyone (Hey Everyone, Sorry!).

Queen of Pentacles

NURTURING, BIGHEARTED, DOWN-TO-EARTH, RESOURCEFUL, TRUSTWORTHY (Thanks www.learntarot.com!)

I was so tired last night that I went to bed around 8pm. I walked for an hour with a friend during my lunchbreak, then walked some more after work with my husband...then had a manicure.

I felt just plain exhausted and only had enough energy to give my birdie a few cuddles and pets and then back into the cage.

I suspected that I'd be tired this morning (AaanD, HoW!) so I pulled my card for today last night. The universe got a jump on me, and people in my Creative Memories Unit called late (while I was asleep), or sent e-mails to ask me for help with things.

The trustworthy, nurturing, giving person that I am (usually) made calls this morning and did a few favors...but I was a little bit petulant about it. I've been focusing so much on increasing my physical activity to spur on my weight loss that I have been too tired to devote much to my Creative Memories business. I have set aside whole weekend days to inspire customers to get their album work done, to teach classes and to do my own work...but if I don't make calls and ensure attendance - well, I lose out twice!

What I know about the Queen of pentacles is that she shows up for me fairly often in the readings I've done (and since there haven't been that many, it is odd that she re-occurs, no?) . The nurturing and giving is certainly a core value and aspect of my nature...on the other hand, I really need some help here to keep it in balance! I can't be the queen without the wealth of time and resources - personal or financial - to follow through.

So this morning, when I was implored to act as this card acts, I fulfilled my responsibilities to others...but I was also a little angry, jaded, jealous and resentful. I WANT to muster the good hearted, goodwill and generous nature of the queen, and because I have let myself down - let myself get out of balance...the seedier side of my personality is rearing its ugly head.

Four of Pentacles

Blocking Change. Posessiveness. Control. Wow, those are some Yvettissues allright.

[On an unblocked change note, I have figured out how to format my blogwords. There's this tab thing labeled "Compose....."]

Today, I am in-too the status quo. I've been paid by an employer to spend much of my day thinking and writing about that which has absolutely nothing to do at all, in any way, with my work. Well, maybe.

In my Paradigm Shift post (I'll try to learn soon how to create a link there), I think I alluded to the way my boss contantly challenges me to not get stuck in my own sense of what is "RIGHT." Perhaps there will always be errors in data and we should accept that, and focus energy not on trying to prevent those errors, but rather on the problem-solving behaviors of our workforce.

Instead of finding root cause of the errors and rooting it out, what if we accept the errors and attempt to instill forgiveness, helpfullness, wilingness to follow a job through until it is done without blame, and accountability in our workforce. Hmmmm. {YEAH, RIGHT!?!(*%^)&%}

Is it possible that accepting the status quo - that we cannot change and must fight our (I am beginning to believe this) utterly lame-ass consultant-ware system - could lead to something even better for the organization? A Problem-Solving Workforce?

What does problem-solving require? Recognition of the problem. Industriousness or self-motivation or curiosity to determine: What happened? and How can I fix it? or Who can I ask about fixing it? NO BLAME - just results.

I don't work in that place. Today, I would rather protect and defend my sanity and my conclusions that these behaviors are NOT acheivable by me, for me. Only acheivable if the company inspires a place and time to clarify the expectation and then manage the consequences, whatever they may be.

This company - and the people in it - are desperately posessive about blocking change, controlling what they have, and refusing to give it up - even for something that could be greater, better and more rewarding down the line.

I don't like the four of pentacles world, and I am not changing my position on that, Dammit!

Alone in a crowded room

I'm so completely off balance that I desperately need to write and the words aren't coming...It isn't everyday that I learn - deep, in-your-gut-learning - something about sex. And attraction. And dancing.

Last night though, while dancing with a friend of mine, a doorway inadvertantly opened into the room where my sensual self lives. A room I honestly, even though it seems a bit sad, don't visit all that often.

The last time I felt as highly charged with burning, erotic energy was in 2000, before I began to seriously date my husband (but in fact during an encounter with him). Before that was an incident back in high school. So few vignettes of complete, mind-bending, muscle-melting passion...without the "watcher" of my rational self commenting in the background.

Certainly I've never had such a thing occur before on a crowded dance floor, let alone all because of a little eye contact.

A part of it was the dance, I suppose. When your chance comes to be the active couple in an English Country Dance, you get to do all of the fun bits. The other couples support and treat you like royalty. You are Honored Personages throughout the dance when you are A One. I danced one of these dances last night with a fun, handsome man, who is married to a lovely friend of mine. We dance together often and generally bring out the wacky and silly in each other.

Tonight though, after we did a couple of rounds of this difficult dance, and I was just getting the hang of it, my friend said, "Great - Now do it, but keep flirting."

Keep Flirting? Well...okay. and Oh. My. Goodness.

My emotional and visceral reactions to acceptable dance "flirting" (this amounts to smiling and a mini staring contest) were insistent and unexpected. Suddenly I was locked in an encounter much more intimate than any dance I had done before.

First came the playfullness - ah yes, a staring contest, simple! His eyes were there, seeking mine with every step, turn and swirl of movement. Whenever I lost, then regained eye contact, I felt a whole-body SNAP!

Finding my partner's eyes within the flurry of movement over and over again started to heighten my enjoyment of the dance. By the halfway mark of the set I was giggling, and then laughing out loud because it felt so different.

I think it would have been an unusual, but not really an impactful experience if the dance hadn't gone on. And on. And on. But in fact, there were many, many couples, and the dancing did go on.

By now, I had mastered the mechanics, and been through a few full rounds of feeling his eyes constantly seaching for mine. The effect now started to multiply with each turn of the dance. The invisible visual connection materialized - as compelling and powerful as Superman's optical laser beams.

There was no letting up of the continuous contact. A flirtatious game, and my partner was clearly winning. An overwhelming impulse to drop my eyes rushed at me. It was accompanied by uncontrollable shyness - a hormonal and adrenaline surge that I have not felt since puberty. I recognized the reaction, and was astonished by it, but simple realization did not prevent a sudden difficulty in breathing and desperate instinct to break the eye contact...Simultaneously with a stronger impulse not to.

Now began round after round of romance heroine cliche incarnate. The rush of blood to my face, then the heat and butterflies behind my navel. Breathlessness, and surges of desire each time my partner and I would flow tightly into a gypsy turn and finally touch for a two-handed spin that seemed to last hours each time we revolved, only inches apart.

The rich, yet unspoken relationship increased between us as I managed to hold eye contact for longer and longer. This allowed us to better gauge and anticipate the drifting away and uniting again of our dance steps.

Succumbing to his direction was certainly a source of erotic energy for me. Committing fully to this interractive game; Flowing, turning, spinning, dancing...holding a tight focus on my partners eyes - just because he had told me to - increased the impact of each dance movement a hundred fold. Searching for his face instantly each time passing dancers forced a break in welded lines of sight caused an immense awareness of arousal and anticipation for me.

I started to feel guilty about dancing only with my partner. There were other dancers there, and they did their parts admirably...but I literally had eyes only for my partner. I acknowledged no one else who held my hand or moved in concert with me. Even the briefest of polite, flickering glances immediately gave way to the magnetism of my partner's countenance.

The small, seemingly insignificant limitation: "Look into my eyes," was so stimulating that I began to also feel guilty about dancing such a dance, in such a way, with another woman's husband!

This idea spontaneously burst in my brain, and I went cold as I perceived that I might be so exposed in an act my superego considered a wrong doing. I broke eye contact to look for and watch my partner's wife as she danced down the line in front of me.

Sweetness, and the embodiment of Austen's Jane Bennett, she was partnered with another incredible dancer of our acquaintance. A man capable of generating the same intensity of gazes...of bringing dancing beyond the mechanical to the emotional level. Ah, well, I thought. She is probably giving and getting and dancing with the same relish as I am. It stopped MOST of the guilt. After all, perhaps she dances like that all the time...(lucky girl!)

Some guilt lingers today. It is hard to admit that last night, if I was unattached and so was my partner, I would gladly have pursued that eye contact and roaring hormone level straight to the very nearest horizontal surface. The experience was worlds beyond my previous ideas about being a "good" dancer. This was the electrical enticement of dancing.

I suddenly understood how once the emotions are there, it is hard to bottle them up. Keeping the flood inside, and the very effort of not letting it show, merely compounds it. The act of connecting energetically through dance - whether by accident or design - suddenly translated from a simple non verbal communication straight to a compulsive desire for more of the same and-by-any-means-possible!

As we finished up at the bottom of the set, we crashed shoulder to shoulder. We vented our enormous reservoir of affective energy in a fit of belly-laughing. I can never know for sure what my partner's experience was, and yet somehow I do. That level of intensity doesn't build in that way without a feedback loop to reinforce each emotional reaction in layer on top of layer.

Breaking the spell of the dance and allowing my autonomic nervous system to claw its way back to earth, my partner talked about dancing being so popular historically. It was the only possible way to feel alone, and acheive that divine intimacy with someone despite chaperones, crowds and onlookers.

I felt such a resonating comprehension of those once living, truly romantic heroines of the past. Empathy flooded through me and I knew precisely what their lives might have been like - denied an evocation, let alone a control, of these passionate emotions...with the exception of a ball here, and a party there.

While we waited to re-enter the set as lowly threes, my friend confided:

"That's what they mean by 'Alone in a Crowded Room.' For me, the ultimate experience is couple contra dancing, because the whole world spins so fast that it cannot be seen and there is nothing in your world except you and your partner."

Luckily for both of our spouses, I don't contra dance...yet.

Paradigm shift

I've been stuck for ahwile on the data. We looked at the data this morning and the conclusions of the team match mine (soo far). They are supposed to review the data on their own and let me know if they violently disagree with me. I feel good about the compromise / buy in.

The largest area of potential improvement still appears to be the system. Data Entry errors are only rampant because the system allows them. Then my boss hit me with the paradigm shift that I have been fighting: "What if we just have to live with Human Error?"

Live with HUMAN ERROR? You mean, not try to improve the system in order to prevent errors? Accept defeat and trust the band aids? Take "no" for an answer?!?

Like hell! That's not ME. That's not why I do Root Cause Ananlysis - I look for the root cause in order to fix the ROOT CAUSE - not some piddly excuse three levels above the real reason!

On the other hand, what if the "data entry error" reports stopped coming in? What if the people filling out the reports suddenly walked across the building, had a conversation, took some action and FIXED THE PROBLEMS THEMSELVES?!?!?! No cross-functional team, strong-arming action items from the unwilling. Wow. What a concept.

I'm suddenly SO TIRED that I want a nap. Maybe after my boss leaves in a few minutes I'll put my head down on my desk like a 3rd grader in trouble...

Justice

A few posts ago I made a decision that I was not capable of being objective with some data. Instead of presenting results, I decided to call the team together and review the content. The Justice Card today may have reminded me that this was a good choice. The wider experience of the group may make for more "Just" decisions. We shall see...

King of Wands

Along with the writing process, one of the few activities I have done which slow my brain and body in a peaceful way...and feel "effortless" is Tarot Reading. So what does that mean? Not much, other than that Rorshach would have had a field day with me.

AND, that when I interpret images through verbalizing, I am more easily able to access my thoughts, feelings and beliefs. That's what Tarot is, right? Using a random, fixed visual element to give insight - otherwise known inmy mind as access to the known, but squelched.

Many in my hypothetically vast audience know that All Hallows Eve is a traditional Pagan holiday. On the last day of the year (Fall being the death of the year, after the harvest), spirits (hopefully good and helpful ancestors) have the easiest time lending their power to the physical world because the veils between the worlds of the living and dead are weak and thin. Pagans in SF (and probably the world-over) call upon their ancestors to buoy them and make positive, earth-healing, peaceful magic. The rituals are beautiful, meaningful, and some of the best "church" I've ever attended in my life.

Several years ago, I was with a group of wonderful, powerful pagans on Halloween and invited to do a Tarot reading for the New Year. Since then, I've had a secret wish to find a place in my reality based life for spirituality that can work harmoniously with the squashed idealism of my world view.

Since it was Halloween, and The New Year, I sat down to do a reading, not for the upcoming year, but on a specific topic: financial advice on actions to take within the next 3-6 months. The reading last night was fascinating because all the cards came out upside down. I interpreted that as a small indication that I might not have been asking the right/most pertinent question, since there isn’t a whole LOT of insistent energy about finance right now. On the other hand, the reading also indicated that I get down to earth, move through the boredom and hesitation and do something so that I can have a huge benefit! YAY! Just what I would have (did) told myself...go figure.

More than just some information I interpreted, I realized that yesterday was divided into pre-reading and post-reading. Before I sat and did the reading I was nervous, hyper, busy, anxious and felt like the whole world was hectic. After the reading, I was pensive, relaxed, and while just as busy, I felt more like I could glide through my tasks elegantly - even my dislike of taking out the trash was muted. When my husband was late for a party, I just moved past the frustration that it would have been helpful to have him...and straight onto, "well, what happens next?" I even let the answering machine get the phone TWICE - a sure sign that I was inexplicably resistant to interrup attack.

Based on the purely physical/emotional experience of sitting in a quiet, safe place, thinking, and shuffling and centering and focusing, I decided to do daily tarot card pulls. Perhaps if I can find small moments to pull in that centered, focused energy, I can make a positive change in the overall energy web of my days.

My card for today is the King of Wands: CREATIVE, INSPIRING, FORCEFUL, CHARISMATIC, BOLD. This was a pretty great omen for the beginning of my work week. After a conference call that I was technically late for, but which had not begun despite this (nobody starts without the King!), I was able to take a solid leadership role on an old problem with a new urgency. I was also able to stop and brainstorm with the group - coming up with options that I don't think any of us had considered before, but which will nicely solve one problem and set good precedent for resolving an ongoing irritation.

An hour later, my company gave me the $100. reward for composing the company’s new tagline: Power through Innovation. I had sent it in weeks and weeks ago, but it is certainly meaningful and encouraging that that energy came back to me today!

It is okay to my rational self that the card creates a connection between being creative and inspiring and being rewarded. It was with that energy that I crafted my entries in the contest.

And an elfin manifestation of my spirit is laughing and prancing and pointing at my silly rational mind, because it knows that my emotional reaction of "Fun, synchronous, mystical...Maybe" is ONLY a lot of rationalization; He knows that I as I was shuffling this morning, I had the sudden, irrisitable impulse to pull the card right out from the near the bottom of the deck...