Weekend Blues

I pulled two contrary cards this weekend, neither of which could lift a glum mood I've been in since Friday night. In that post, I did a little confronting of how I react to compliments (badly). I've stayed sad from that awareness all weekend.

Other little things have upset me too, like what I learned on Saturday from the Ten of Wands (Overextending, Burdens, Struggle). Saturday was a "workday" for myself and the customers of my Creative Memories Business. I had only 1 customer who wanted to come and work all day, but I had 2 old co-workers who RSVPd that they would attend a class (Woo-Hoo! An opportunity to build the business some more!). Except that they didn't come. Which has been happening a lot to me lately. So, I felt as though I had wasted my day and that it was a letdown.

Now, I blame the right person for this - I blame ME. I don't have phone numbers for the folks who RSVPd, and I had not seen or spoken to them in a long while. I half-expected them to call and cancel, but I got more and more hopefull as no call came. And then less and less hopefull as the time for the class slipped by. As a good hostess/coordinator I should have connected with them in person and confirmed the class, but in this case, I wasn't sure how to. I took a lot on faith and got burned.

I've also gone a bit out of my way to do some favors for members of the team I work with - resulting in lots of positive results for them...and nothing for me. I'm feeling a little irritated by that. A little jealous and a little angry. One of the Ten of Wands descriptors is "working so hard you can't even see which way you're going." That is me all over right now. Working the CM business even though I have only a tiny idea what I want from it. Working at my main job even though it is very frustrating right now. Working around my house too, even though I'm a bit unhappy with my neighborhood, neighbors and the "little irritations" of being a homeowner.

I'm working, working, working...and all it is getting me is material happiness (I don't worry much about money these days) and stress about not being happy. The security of the material wealth is great; I am VERY grateful...but the things that are important, now that I have a measure of wealth, FEEL unattainable at the moment - time with friends, travel, bonding time with my husband, who I feel distanced from lately.

Saturday was a day of both too much work and too much free time to ponder things with no direction. lingering in the doldrums. It didn't help that a chronic health issue picked yesterday to turn up and put me in physical pain too. I retreated to my bed hurting and _hurting_.

Today was supposed to be a better day. A Funner day. One of the "No Plan" free days where we can be spontaneous. I pulled the Chariot - a powerful, winning card with words like VICTORY, WILL, SELF-ASSERTION, HARD CONTROL.

Ha. Not bloody likely. I took the card as a signal to focus on "winning" behaviors. Some stretching and light exercise, using eqipment I had bought but never used. Mowing the lawn and spending some time with my bird - all good. Leading to victory in the long term around my weight maintenance and home goals.

But being outside reminded me of all the things that overwhelm - the garden (oxalis is evil!), the patio...so much to do.

Then after finishing some chores and getting ready to go see a fun play, one little thing that I'd forgotten I wanted to do was remembered...and my emotional neutrality plummeted. I was suddenly cussing and super-angry that I'd forgotten! Completely bummed that the errand wasn't going to be done.

I had a terrible time trying to problem solve getting the issue taken care of AND do the fun things for the day. My husband reacted quietly and by going off and trying to fix the problem. Good man, wrong instinct. This made me mad. What made me even madder is that the errand, which would have been painless to do with company, now has to be done on my off/alone day. I have plenty of time to do it, but I don't want to do it alone - it is a big irritation. AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!

Ridiculus you say? Well, yes. Suffice it to say that the errand was already a layer of irritation on top of another on top of another. No escape. and that's what I want most - escape. I don't want to live my life for a little while. I don't want to go to work, think about all the things I am committed to; Do the chores and fight the battles. I DON'T WANT TO!

Well, guess I'd better go call my mother...