That's what color my fingernails are today. If anyone who knows me is reading this, they're getting up off the floor in shock. I'm "conservative" in the colors, styles, fashions that go on or about my person.
But I'm leaving tomorrow on VACATION. And by Sunday afternoon, I'll be in HAWAII. But yesterday when I went to have my manicure and pedicure, all I could think about (besides how great Guy Gavriel Kay's new boook is) was that I had sort of failed to meet all of my own vacationexpectation.
By today I was hoping to be close to packed and ready to go. Paperwork and confirmation numbers tidily in a folder, with duplicate entries in my palm pilot. Itinerary sketched out, reservations for some SCUBA diving with my husband, a boat trip with our friend Larry, music time and chillin' time with my mentor, Susan.
It partly isn't my fault. I have caught a cold, and I do feel miserable. But a part of me thinks I caught the cold because I was stressing myself out.
While we are on vacation, I was really hoping to have some work done on our house. In order to have baseboards, doors and new moulding installed, we would have had to pick those things out in advance. Maybe even paint them. Pull all the furniture away from the walls so that the handyman could get to them. None of which happened.
I do feel like a failure, and even worse, I feel exhausted. I wonder if I had to try to set up all that stuff so that I could get THE MOST from my vacation? Or maybe to feel like I DESERVED the vacation? Naw. I think I'm just maniacally practical.
So when the manicurist yesterday said, "Hawaii? You should have something bright and fun," I picked a color that would match my bikini. but today, I look down and think, "Whose hands are *those*?!?!" The answer is spontaneous, unplanned, lively, relaxed, vacationing "me." I'm looking forward to meeting her.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Journalism Day!
On of the joys of my job at my small company is that I sometimes get asked to do things I really like - such as contribute to the employee newsletter. Today is all about that, and I realized that it would be a GREAT way to start the day if I gave myself those 10 free writing mintues to just blahblahblah and set the stage for being in writing and researching mode. 9:31am - go!
It occurs to me that the first things in my consciousness as I open up my brain to spewing about anything is Pain. I have a toothache in a midway tooth on my upper left jaw that has been coming and going. Really it is just a "sensitivity" but it definitely has better and worse days. Today it actually feels like PAIN. The dentist says that I have some gum recession back there and that the root is a bit exposed. He didn't think it was anything to worry about, but it really bugs me though.
I've also been having quite a lot of trouble with my left shoulder again. It is ridiculous to be under 35 and have nagging aches and pains, but boy, the left shoulder is sure one of mine. It seems any exercise using my arms or back extensively aggravates it. The pain is dull, and over the course of the day it feels like it seeps deeper and deeper into the structure of my body. The worst part of it is that the skin over the injured muscle or bursa or whatever gets hyper-sensitive...itchy or burning or untouchable with a sensation that I interpret as a pain message. It makes the tag on my tank top a misery.
Jeremy. When I wrote "no, no" Jeremy came to mind. I wonder if he actually is better off with Mark and I. Certainly he gets to see people more often, but I feel bad that I don't really have a "schedule" for him. We don't do training each night, or blow-jobs every Saturday - I wonder if cockatoos in the wild have a natural schedule? I mean is it like, "Ahh, sunshine! Time to spend 20 minutes calling to gather my flock! Now let's find breakfast! One more hour of breakfast! Anyone see a predator?! I'll take predator watch mid-morning! Wow, 11am already? Time for a nap. Lunch! Where's lunch? I need a good chew session - Let's head over to Godfrey's parents' house after lunch and pull siding off the walls - FUN! Wow, that took a lot out of me, maybe a bath. Sunshine and preening and nap - Wow, am I clean! Dinner time! Let's find a place to roost for the night. Ahh, sunshine! time to spend 20 minutes calling to gather my flock...."
My UN-natural schedule is to work 4 days a week, so that's what I should go do...
It occurs to me that the first things in my consciousness as I open up my brain to spewing about anything is Pain. I have a toothache in a midway tooth on my upper left jaw that has been coming and going. Really it is just a "sensitivity" but it definitely has better and worse days. Today it actually feels like PAIN. The dentist says that I have some gum recession back there and that the root is a bit exposed. He didn't think it was anything to worry about, but it really bugs me though.
I've also been having quite a lot of trouble with my left shoulder again. It is ridiculous to be under 35 and have nagging aches and pains, but boy, the left shoulder is sure one of mine. It seems any exercise using my arms or back extensively aggravates it. The pain is dull, and over the course of the day it feels like it seeps deeper and deeper into the structure of my body. The worst part of it is that the skin over the injured muscle or bursa or whatever gets hyper-sensitive...itchy or burning or untouchable with a sensation that I interpret as a pain message. It makes the tag on my tank top a misery.
Jeremy. When I wrote "no, no" Jeremy came to mind. I wonder if he actually is better off with Mark and I. Certainly he gets to see people more often, but I feel bad that I don't really have a "schedule" for him. We don't do training each night, or blow-jobs every Saturday - I wonder if cockatoos in the wild have a natural schedule? I mean is it like, "Ahh, sunshine! Time to spend 20 minutes calling to gather my flock! Now let's find breakfast! One more hour of breakfast! Anyone see a predator?! I'll take predator watch mid-morning! Wow, 11am already? Time for a nap. Lunch! Where's lunch? I need a good chew session - Let's head over to Godfrey's parents' house after lunch and pull siding off the walls - FUN! Wow, that took a lot out of me, maybe a bath. Sunshine and preening and nap - Wow, am I clean! Dinner time! Let's find a place to roost for the night. Ahh, sunshine! time to spend 20 minutes calling to gather my flock...."
My UN-natural schedule is to work 4 days a week, so that's what I should go do...
Friday, February 03, 2006
Feast Day
I'm going back to the famine weeks to see if any of the drafts I started have anything good that just never got posted.
I expect NUTHIN from myself this weekend, as I'll be holed up in the mountains, in a cabin with a buncha Christian Soccer moms playing with photos and making Volume II of New Zealand. It will either be fun, or a complete nightmare. Keeping an open mind, here....
I expect NUTHIN from myself this weekend, as I'll be holed up in the mountains, in a cabin with a buncha Christian Soccer moms playing with photos and making Volume II of New Zealand. It will either be fun, or a complete nightmare. Keeping an open mind, here....
175 lbs <78 lbs>
Exerpt from an e-mail to my health coach, just in case anyone out there needs to hear that they are not alone in their weight-loss challenges:
It was a BIG processing week this week. I spoke to my friend, who has weight management issues as well, and for awhile we were supporting each other with daily/weekly contact through e-mail and discussion group postings. She and her partner have split up recently and she has found herself re-living some terrible, crazy behaviors from a year ago. I shared my bagel whore story, and it opened up an opportunity for her to talk about and confront some very scary stuff.
I bring this up because listening to others often provides amazing perspective on our own challenges. Her issue was an overwhelming need to be eating in her car, on a long drive to a work site. This resulted in stops for French Fries. Then it became making excuses to leave the job site to go get junk food (potentially impacting her work). She said she could tell from the behaviors that it was truly addiction behavior - she was stopping at nothing, risking her work, in some cases her safety while driving, for that "fix" of junk food because she truly was in a place of "I will die if I don't have....." Wow. So glad that is not me.
On the other hand, I was not "strong" enough yesterday to actually do only Fruits/Veggies as planned at lunch. I probably ate 4-5 cups (two bowls full) of shredded cabbage, onion, carrot, mushrooms, spinach, water chestnuts, those crispy bean sprouts. I added only drizzles of hot oil - mostly soy, teriyaki, ginger and honey water sauces. I had eaten 3/4 of it, and my co-worker went back for another plate (hate all-you-can-eat places!).
I felt just as overwhelming a compulsion to not sit with an empty plate and watch him eat! I just couldn't do it. Did I stop and ask myself WHY I couldn't do it? Whether I would DIE if I had to watch him eat while I had no food...no, instead I went to the area with side-dishes, and got 1c of rice to soak up the sauce, and be "filler." Even though not 1/2 hour before, I had committed to ONLY Vegs, I still couldn't do it in-the-moment. Not that much different in behavior, only in scale.
I was so glad I could help my friend with support, and some of that is just talking through things to become more aware of them. I shared about how I am the same way with travel/transition and dealing with situations where I KNOW I don't want to be there. I ALWAYS have problems in those areas. So I drink shakes in my car, I carry fruit at all times, bars, water....I have a Ziploc bag full of teas and sweetener that I think has been in my backpack, traveling EVERYWHERE with me since 2001. I don't ever want to be desperate.
And I want to continue to see things like the fact that stress makes my stomach go all acidy and upset and my instinct is to soothe it (and the emotions) by getting relaxed - eating more, starchy, and nap-inducing food. And um, I feel like I *should* know this, but I honestly don't: What is the medically correct response to that situation (besides breathing and taking a walk to relieve the stress)?
My success was doing a HUGE food prep night last night, even though I was exhausted. Da hubby helped me cut up approximately 10c of oranges. I made a tuna salad with 2 hardboiled eggs, celery, relish, low cal mayo, mustard and a drizzle of nonfat honey mustard dressing. This got mixed in with 6c of raw spinach and put into 2 containers, one for lunch, one for dinner. I also made 6c of jicama/cuc salad with fresh mint and yogurt. This is all in the cooler, in my car, so that I KNOW I have wonderful SAFE food to break out of the environment and the "just one more" bad thing cycle. At the end of the night I was exhausted, but it will be SO worth it if I can use those things to control the calories.
It was a BIG processing week this week. I spoke to my friend, who has weight management issues as well, and for awhile we were supporting each other with daily/weekly contact through e-mail and discussion group postings. She and her partner have split up recently and she has found herself re-living some terrible, crazy behaviors from a year ago. I shared my bagel whore story, and it opened up an opportunity for her to talk about and confront some very scary stuff.
I bring this up because listening to others often provides amazing perspective on our own challenges. Her issue was an overwhelming need to be eating in her car, on a long drive to a work site. This resulted in stops for French Fries. Then it became making excuses to leave the job site to go get junk food (potentially impacting her work). She said she could tell from the behaviors that it was truly addiction behavior - she was stopping at nothing, risking her work, in some cases her safety while driving, for that "fix" of junk food because she truly was in a place of "I will die if I don't have....." Wow. So glad that is not me.
On the other hand, I was not "strong" enough yesterday to actually do only Fruits/Veggies as planned at lunch. I probably ate 4-5 cups (two bowls full) of shredded cabbage, onion, carrot, mushrooms, spinach, water chestnuts, those crispy bean sprouts. I added only drizzles of hot oil - mostly soy, teriyaki, ginger and honey water sauces. I had eaten 3/4 of it, and my co-worker went back for another plate (hate all-you-can-eat places!).
I felt just as overwhelming a compulsion to not sit with an empty plate and watch him eat! I just couldn't do it. Did I stop and ask myself WHY I couldn't do it? Whether I would DIE if I had to watch him eat while I had no food...no, instead I went to the area with side-dishes, and got 1c of rice to soak up the sauce, and be "filler." Even though not 1/2 hour before, I had committed to ONLY Vegs, I still couldn't do it in-the-moment. Not that much different in behavior, only in scale.
I was so glad I could help my friend with support, and some of that is just talking through things to become more aware of them. I shared about how I am the same way with travel/transition and dealing with situations where I KNOW I don't want to be there. I ALWAYS have problems in those areas. So I drink shakes in my car, I carry fruit at all times, bars, water....I have a Ziploc bag full of teas and sweetener that I think has been in my backpack, traveling EVERYWHERE with me since 2001. I don't ever want to be desperate.
And I want to continue to see things like the fact that stress makes my stomach go all acidy and upset and my instinct is to soothe it (and the emotions) by getting relaxed - eating more, starchy, and nap-inducing food. And um, I feel like I *should* know this, but I honestly don't: What is the medically correct response to that situation (besides breathing and taking a walk to relieve the stress)?
My success was doing a HUGE food prep night last night, even though I was exhausted. Da hubby helped me cut up approximately 10c of oranges. I made a tuna salad with 2 hardboiled eggs, celery, relish, low cal mayo, mustard and a drizzle of nonfat honey mustard dressing. This got mixed in with 6c of raw spinach and put into 2 containers, one for lunch, one for dinner. I also made 6c of jicama/cuc salad with fresh mint and yogurt. This is all in the cooler, in my car, so that I KNOW I have wonderful SAFE food to break out of the environment and the "just one more" bad thing cycle. At the end of the night I was exhausted, but it will be SO worth it if I can use those things to control the calories.
Dollar short
Huh. Here it is a day later and I definitely feel a dollar short on what I needed to get OUT. The concept of beauty still haunts - what is beautiful? but deeper than that is the question of why it even occurs to me to ponder it. I want to be beautiful. I want others to think I am beautiful. It is beyond vanity, though I admit there is that - When you've worked hard to lose weight and have a healthier body and lifestyle, the rewards are important.
But I also want the special treatment, like being asked to dance, having people smile at me, be nice to me, give me attention and want to be around me...all those things come with 'pretty.' It would be denial to say they didn't. It would be denying reality.
Reality is also guys you don't know checking you out from across the room. And maintenence (Hair, clothes, makeup..things I have in the past cared absolutely nothing for). Sometimes those things are VERY fun, and some days I can get by without them...but I feel like it is a losing battle in the long run.
Reality is also feeling good about the "belle of the ball" syndrome. I don't feel like a 'piece of meat' when I'm English Country dancing with friends or strangers. But I do feel like my (relative) youth and good looks and energy are extremely appreciated in the community. Everyone is glad to see me and always kind and complimentary. It feels good...but it is a lot of attention too.
I don't know if 'pretty' can in fact be something that just *IS* Like Twelve Oaks - I would be so happy to be something graceful and beautiful that wants only to be loved - to make others happy. I don't want them to necessarily impact me, interract with me or have the 'pretty' inspire or compel them to interfere. I like the idea of manifesting the spirit of dancing and the 'ideal' of it...without having to be responsible for it. And there's the BUT. I knew it was there, and I didn't know what it was. If you're beautiful or even pretty, what's your responsibility? Do you have to maintain it at the level others expect? Do you have to be nicer, kinder, gentler, more forgiving and loving (like Melanie Hamilton?). I guess I always feel I fall so far short of that ideal...and I don't even want it really...the same way I don't want "dangerous beauty" or "cruel intentions" or any of the other possible power-abusing shades of beauty.
Hmmmmm.....time's up.
But I also want the special treatment, like being asked to dance, having people smile at me, be nice to me, give me attention and want to be around me...all those things come with 'pretty.' It would be denial to say they didn't. It would be denying reality.
Reality is also guys you don't know checking you out from across the room. And maintenence (Hair, clothes, makeup..things I have in the past cared absolutely nothing for). Sometimes those things are VERY fun, and some days I can get by without them...but I feel like it is a losing battle in the long run.
Reality is also feeling good about the "belle of the ball" syndrome. I don't feel like a 'piece of meat' when I'm English Country dancing with friends or strangers. But I do feel like my (relative) youth and good looks and energy are extremely appreciated in the community. Everyone is glad to see me and always kind and complimentary. It feels good...but it is a lot of attention too.
I don't know if 'pretty' can in fact be something that just *IS* Like Twelve Oaks - I would be so happy to be something graceful and beautiful that wants only to be loved - to make others happy. I don't want them to necessarily impact me, interract with me or have the 'pretty' inspire or compel them to interfere. I like the idea of manifesting the spirit of dancing and the 'ideal' of it...without having to be responsible for it. And there's the BUT. I knew it was there, and I didn't know what it was. If you're beautiful or even pretty, what's your responsibility? Do you have to maintain it at the level others expect? Do you have to be nicer, kinder, gentler, more forgiving and loving (like Melanie Hamilton?). I guess I always feel I fall so far short of that ideal...and I don't even want it really...the same way I don't want "dangerous beauty" or "cruel intentions" or any of the other possible power-abusing shades of beauty.
Hmmmmm.....time's up.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Setback II
And again, she falls and barely recovers....
I have not written anything here since 1/12 - 21 days ago. Luckily, I didn't completely turn off my brain for that time...I just stopped writing about all the things I was thinking about. I also stopped pulling Tarot cards. A good example of how I truly need a catalyst of some kind to spur on the behavior of writing...if not the thoughts and the function.
In a synchronous turn of events, after discussing my lapse with my hubband on our drive to work this morning, my blog-hero was writing about trying out yet another blogger's "10 minutes" of blog freedom writing. No story, plot, editing - just freestyle thoughts. Hey...I do that all the time...?! You mean there's some OTHER way to write?
So seriously, here's my 10 - 12 minutes of spewage just for myself:
Beauty - pondering beauty, mine and the worlds. The following elements have not yet melded, but they all have SOMETHING to do with the thougths and feelings I'm working through:
Followed by the eyes of men
Old High School buddy buddy I haven't seen in 15 years saying "You look terrific."
Melanie Hamilton from GWTW: 12 oaks is more than a house - it is a whole world that wants only to be graceful and beautiful
More and less desirable dance partners
[This is literally where the front desk break ended, and I have no idea how long it took to write to this bit. Wish I typed faster]
I have not written anything here since 1/12 - 21 days ago. Luckily, I didn't completely turn off my brain for that time...I just stopped writing about all the things I was thinking about. I also stopped pulling Tarot cards. A good example of how I truly need a catalyst of some kind to spur on the behavior of writing...if not the thoughts and the function.
In a synchronous turn of events, after discussing my lapse with my hubband on our drive to work this morning, my blog-hero was writing about trying out yet another blogger's "10 minutes" of blog freedom writing. No story, plot, editing - just freestyle thoughts. Hey...I do that all the time...?! You mean there's some OTHER way to write?
So seriously, here's my 10 - 12 minutes of spewage just for myself:
Beauty - pondering beauty, mine and the worlds. The following elements have not yet melded, but they all have SOMETHING to do with the thougths and feelings I'm working through:
Followed by the eyes of men
Old High School buddy buddy I haven't seen in 15 years saying "You look terrific."
Melanie Hamilton from GWTW: 12 oaks is more than a house - it is a whole world that wants only to be graceful and beautiful
More and less desirable dance partners
[This is literally where the front desk break ended, and I have no idea how long it took to write to this bit. Wish I typed faster]
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