Conquering Queen

I'm back from a several hour stint with my niece and sister-in-law. I learned a few things:

1) You can't really take pictures of a baby and watch it at the same time
2) You can't talk on a teeny cell phone and push a stroller at the same time
3) Husbands rock! (especially when they talk you through having maybe lost something important)
4) computers with the chair facing a wall and the back open to several doorways and widows and the center of the room, when any second a creepy old-guy roomate might come walking in unexpectedly set me on edge and I think I'll stop writing now....

Tomorrow, when my husband brings his laptop, maybe I'll talk about how fun the baby was, while I kept my sense of humor. And how nice it was to have serious conversations with my sister-in law....but for now I'm going to go hide in my room behind a locked door and escape into fiction...

Queen of Swords

It is hard to write when you are surrounded by a layer of filth. Dust, skin, grime. Soiled human souls spewing foul language. Yuck.

Suffice it to say I'm not having much fun at my dad's place at the moment. He has a grimy giant of a retired military guy as a housemate, and every phone conversation ends with "sonnafabitch."

I don't think it is that they are just a different generation. If that was the case I'd find all old men utterly creepy, and I don't. But this is a class of old men. They wash and only stay clean for a few minutes. Then they become covered in the detritus of sadness and meaninglessness.

Knight of Pentacles

I've not yet seen so many descriptors....in such an interesting format....from my tarot cards. On a day I am ready to wrap up a couple of weeks of prep work and go on vacation to see my friends and family, I'm intrigued:

UNWAVERING..........STUBBORN
CAUTIOUS..........UNADVENTUROUS
THOROUGH..........OBSESSIVE
REALISTIC..........PESSIMISTIC
HARDWORKING..........GRINDING

Well, I know we've all felt this. Good qualities that can be overused or somehow "gone wrong." No task I've attempted today feels like this, but then again, perhaps the Knight is someone ELSE in my environment. Someone like the work friend giving me a lift to the airport? Or perhaps her arch-nemesis, another person I work with. I quite like BOTH of them, and yet they have the toughest time working together.

In fact, I ended up having lunch with the Pres of the company today at the company outdoor picnic tables, inadvertently. He is very Knight-ish and I can see that many of his qualities cross over the line (especially in the opinions of certain people within the company). Something to think about.

I'm barely keeping my eyes open today. I stayed up very late to see HP:GOF at the midnight movie and went to bed around 3am. Since the alarm went off before 7am...boy am I feeling like having a nap. Definitely sleep on the plane.

HP:GOF was a good, but not a great movie. Too bad, because there is *so much* there to work with. I felt like the things that made the book so unforgettable - the little details - were left out in favor of dragon chase scenes. Maybe that's mostly me. I would rather have seen more about the changing relationships between the three main characters and a little more mystery with the pensieve, and less dragons and lake and maze, oh my.

There were some fantastic lines though, which seems to be a recurrent theme in the movies I've seen recently. They're worth it if some good writer can work in a few memorable, well-timed lines. Oh, and Voldemort was wonderfully, perfectly evil. The crew working on these movies have a talent for creating - incarnating the caracters from the book somehow...but then I feel like they just do'nt follow through on what to DO with them. I suppose that sort of thing is always easier in books anyway. That's why we read them.

Seven of Swords

Aaaaaaarrrrgh! Time, Time, Time....I need more time! I have not written a post in several days. So many pent up stories...

Today work (and work) are crazy-busy - the way I like to be. On the flip side, my writing suffers, my introspection halts.

I'm preparing to head out for a week's holiday in AZ. I will get to visit with friends and family and have a change of scene. I hope to spend (at least some) time writing.

Travel is tough while on my weight management program - 1/2 of my suitcase is full of program food and tools for concocting it! The upside is that I get to fill the case back up with SHOPPING, and PRESENTS and SOUVENIERS!

I'm not really sure what the 7ofS is saying to me today. When I turned this card over I thought "Oh, a mountebank or charlatan has just managed to steal all the swords of a group of knights or nobleman attending the fair with flags flying in the background. He looks pretty happy about running off with them, but he's looking back to make sure he isn't followed."

My instincts are good - the keywords for this card are RUNNING AWAY, LONE WOLF STYLE, HIDDEN DISHONOR. Well, one out of three...? Today I did a little "running away" and procrastinating from other projects because of a priority change (last minute training requirement with an immediate deadline). Yes, I was excited to do something different with my day, and relieved to be out of the grind...but I don't see that there is any dishonor in it - hidden or otherwise.

Certainly the "lone wolf" piece fits me not at all...except that I definitely AM the lone wolf at work. No one else works with me or knows what/how I do my work. The card could be reminding me that my choice not to look at at job listings this morning is a bad one because I don't do my BEST work alone. I really SHOULD be focusing on my goal of having a new, better position in March. Of course I also toy with the idea of building my CM business up...but I have doubt that I could make enough money to pull my weight in our household.

I relate most to the apparent happiness and "getting away with it" aspect of this card. Today I definitely got away with avoiding some boring work, procrastinating my packing, being in denial that I'm leaving on my trip (TOMORROW!) and have no hair conditioner yet to take with me...Hmmmm. Yeah, some avoidance going on there :)

What I didn't avoid (but only narrowly) was the knowledge that I HAVE to keep my PA up very HIGH in order to have a sucessful weight loss week next week, during Thanksgiving. I was going to skip it and just do work, but instead I walked with a co-worker and ran for about 40 minutes.

Today, with some music playing brightly and the sun shining loudly, I felt GREAT as I did a full minute of hardcore RUNNING. My heart rate was up over the limits set by my watchful watch (Thanks for the present sweetie!), but it was worth it. I was out of breath, but felt POWERFUL - almost like I was outrunning fat and calories and negative self esteem!

This afternoon I have not been able to outrun the boredom. I'm hungry, have the muchies and can't settle down to any one task. AT LAST I have had a moment to make my afternoon tea, and eat a little program treat with it. BIG swigs of water, and tea and benefit bar down, I'm starting to feel calmer and as if I could go back to doing some useful work again. For now, I think I'll open some of the past five days and see what was going on!

Ace of Swords

I wonder if writing is one of the things spurring so much time in the swords suit? Mental force, Truth, Justice, and Fortitude are things the card tells me to apply to...what? My haircut? That's the big thing on my plate today - decide on a hairstyle and color. Oooh, baby.

In the card desription, the language is all forward-looking: It may not be here today, but watch for a challenge that will test you. I wonder what that might be? (hint: I doubt it is the haircut). I keep saying that what I want from my new job is challenge - change - skill development. Perhaps this is a good sign it is coming sooner than later.

"This card tells you that you do have the inner resources to overcome all obstacles and find the truth of your situation."

Whew! That's a relief!

TITLE FOUND!

So, after a little bit of time and patience expended in browsing the long set of settings available to me, I found the "Display a Title?" option and turned it ON. YAY! I feel so accomplished.

And yes, I know that feeling of accomplishment is a little pathetic - but I'm proof that they will let ANYONE blog these days...Blog and Circuses!

Why should it bother me so much not to title my posts? No idea. Well, really, "Lets go idea:" The title of something is really quite important. I use it as a starting place, or an executive summary, or as foreshadowing. Plus, I find it FUN to think up a title (that's the main reason I wanted one).

Besides, my blog hero uses them. And well, since he's my hero and all, I want to be as like him as possible, right? Well, maybe not today. Today we saw blogblah. Not worth the time it took to refresh.

My hero goes through phases where his blog is great and personal and meaningful...and Not. I am right there with him that there's only so much time in the day, and well, I'm the highest paid receptionist in Silicon Valley at this very moment, so I shouldn't talk.

On the other hand, if I knew it would be packed with the kind of wonderful, true and funny narrative that originally made me an addict...well, I might pay to read it. Might. Definitely as much as buying a paper.

There's nothing like getting paid to do what you consider "fun." I really want to get to that place 100% of the time someday. Someday Soon.

Later, the same day...

Again I took a second or two to revisit the moon description. It is so rich that it is possible to see anything in the interraction of intent and interpretation.

Here is what rings true as the afternoon wears on painfully
slowly. The Moon effects can be:

"feeling bewildered, losing direction and purpose, having trouble thinking clearly, becoming confused, being easily distracted, feeling disoriented, wandering aimlessly"

Let's just say it hasn't been the most productive day ever and I'm glad I have nowhere to go but HOME tonight. Much of my energy from the AM has drained out of me, through the conduit of my chair. Even getting up and walking at lunch with a friend has left me feeling more tired in this early afternoon. I think I need bouillon too - lack of sodium is a far more likely cause of lightheadedness and mild headache than the effects of an enitrely moonlit day.

As I look back at my AM posts I also realize that the following descriptors are uncannily accurate:

"stimulating the imagination, having vivid dreams or visions, opening to fantasy, plumbing the unconscious, entertaining unusual thoughts, being outlandish and bizarre"

Pomegranate anyone?

The Time Table

I dreamt a very cool SF story in the making last night (so if you are reading this, that is The Time TableTM to you!). When or how the story will come to be is as yet unknown, but the idea is straight out of my dreaming mind - and I'm so grateful to have access to it today!

The table was actually last in a series of dreams that flashed one after the other just before my waking state took over. The first flash was what some might consider a nightmare, but that I didn't feel particularly upset about at the time, therefore not a nightmare to me.

The scene was very strange: OBGYN setting, seen through my eyes, as the patient. I'm pregnant, which is a little disturbing, as that is a state I hope never to find myself in. I'm sitting up, dressed in an open-backed hospital gown. My legs are spread open, and I'm looking at the space between them, where a medical tray is being held by the doctor. On the tray are kernels of bright, yellow corn and light pink - nearly transparent, ripe pomegranate seeds.

I know somehow that these have come from inside of me - like bleeding some pregnant woman experience. The doctor is commenting on how odd the excretions are, but does not seemed alarmed, and I somehow know that they are simply a sign of having a healthy product contained within me.

I chose those descriptors carefully - in the dream, I don't think it is a "baby" I'm pregnant with - otherwise the scene would have been more disturbing and nightmarish. There is instead something inside of me growing, building and ready to be born - the symbols of corn and pomegranate seem to indicate that it is simply time to (or close to time to) give birth; Harvest the growth within that is ready to be in the world.

I am going to ignore for the moment the fact that only corn is of the harvest, while pomegranate seeds are the food which will trap you in the long winter of Hades. Yes. Definitely going to pretend I don't know about that.

There was a second flash-dream which was less clear. It involved shifts in time around a Victorian style home most like the Dunsmuir house of any house I can recall being inside of. There is a family in the home, and the family members change, and time passes. Styles of clothing change, from the 1840s to 80's and then into the 19teens. The people look different, and my presence there is as an observer. These flashes set the stage for the Time Table, which I start to clearly see on a second story landing.

Most of the dream characters are concerned with someone in a room off of the landing who is ill. I have the awareness however, that the illness (or someone trying to prevent the illness?) is slowing the passage of time.

They are doing this by tampering with the Time Table: A huge table that is a crazy dream combination of pool table, sand table and HO scale model railroad table.

Standing at pool table height, with a pool table lip, the Time Table is filled with a very fine and soft beach sand. The expanse is molded into ruts and curves and hills. A ropey substance lays in the grooves and over the contours of the table. Solid and heavy, the ropey substance is melded into place over the sand's surface - not causing any change to the variety of sand heights and depths despite its weight. I feel how the heavy cable is simply lying without impact on the miniature landscapes, while at the same time utterly immovable and cemented in place.

In front of me is a tool - like a fancy Levenger ballpoint pen with screw-on cap. Large, and streamlined at both ends, this tool lays in a shallow groove of sand running along the edge of the table. From the back end of the tool stretches the ropy substance - the thread of life.

The pen-tool isn't moving through the sand, but I know that it needs too in order for the world to spin and everyone to keep on living. Struggling, against what antagonist I do not know, I reach the edge of the table and start to pull the pen along its route in the sand. Slowly at first, with the cording trailing behind, I manage to pull faster and faster - getting time going again.

Now I am having fun, zooming the finely braided rope back and forth to create patterns. My action is actually similar to a pastry chef making swirls of frosting in luscious patterns on a cake surface - but I don't have to squeeze - the time thread of life just flows for me.

I am laying lines next to each other, allowing them to overlap, and feeling a moment of disoriented vision as people meet, bump into each other and become a part of each other's lives. I create layers of round coils, building up in height around a little mountain of sand. I realize this is a city, or a catastrophic event where thousands, millions of lives intersect.

Luckily, although it is a narrative let down, I woke up before I got in over my head like Milo directing the sunrise.

The Moon

Today's card is The Moon. The Moon is a "reinforcing" card to the Two of Swords (yesterday). Like the 2ofS, I pulled the card reversed, diluting its influence. Again I felt anxious and fearful when I pulled the card - no surprise, since I knew a little bit about the card from reading about the 2ofS...enough to experience the light touch of dread.

Keywords include: Fear, Illusion, Imagination, and Bewilderment.

Being under the moon is navigating an unknown, alien landscape that I fear I am not equipt for. I interpret this to be a little bit about a new project that I conceived of last night, based on what I learned in my seminar.

The project requires using skills long unused, and other abilities that might be strong, but will have to be used in an entirely new way. I deeply fear that I will not be successful because while contemplating the project, although I feel it is important work and "should" be done for me to consider my tenure in this position complete - in reality, the work does not thrill me with intrinsic gratification. It is so much easier to tread the path towards a known and loved destination than follow a map into a strange arena of unknown potential.

(My husband points out that weaknesses are targets for "practice" and "growth." I think he was channeling me.)

It is also possible that The Moon reflects the imaginative and creative impulses from my inpiring evening. I walked away from the hotel with dozens of ideas for implementing and re-working and integrating learning in new ways. The variety is in fact bewildering, and I'm a little lost with how to begin!

I especially like The Moon's reference to how something can change your whole outlook:

"If you look around the room right now, you will (probably!) see people and objects that are comforting in their familiarity. Everything is exactly as you expect it to be. You know that if you closed your eyes and opened them, the room would be the same. But...have you ever lost the familiar to find, in its place, a world so extraordinary you can't even grasp it? This is the experience of the Moon."

I feel this way, and one piece of that is remembering my dreams from last night. More about that later.

Following a Rainbow

Like ancient sailors navigating by the northern star, today I made my way to work by keeping straight towards a rainbow. The rainbow felt like a bendiction in the sky above me. Going to work has not felt so full of promise in a long time.

I was inspired by a seminar last night, and then came home and talked for hours with my husband about his work, my work, the world, our lives...and this morning I popped out of bed, raring to go. How did that rainbow know?!?! Or did I put it there...?

Two of Swords - Reversed

Does it occur to any of you theoretical readers that my cards are almost REFLECTING issues I am coping with, versus "predicting" them or even giving insight into daily commentary on them? Chicken and egg, I know, but interesting how I create associations with things that have happened; Things I have mused on recently; I continue to pull cards which seem related...because well, my brain content and awareness haven't changed!

The keywords for this card are: Blocked Emotions, Avoidance, Stalemate
I'd like to point out that I'm using my Learning Tarot text by Joan Bunning to find all this stuff. I HIGHLY recommend it! You can use her online version here: www.learntarot.com

When the Two of Swords card showed up, upside down, it felt very strange. Some of the cards are pictured in such a way that the image feels balanced upside-down or right side up - not this card!

When I turned it over this morning I had a very strong, recoiling reaction to it. Mentally I kicked in quickly with the self-reassuring knowledge that this only means the power/effect/influence is lessened, but I have no idea why the recoil was so strong. Visually it is not a "feel good" card - solitary figure, blindfolded, defending herself with nothing solid at her back - only water. Not a positive image.

The key phrases that speak immediately to my life include, "keeping another at arm's length," "staying stuck," and "choosing not to know." All of these phrases apply to some aspect of my life right now.

I can see how I have been working on the issue of pushing aside those who enjoy my creative energies. They offer praise and affection in order to share their enjoyment and gratitude. and my instinct is to keep a distance from those people - keep them at arms length (at least).

I may also be failing to take on the fear of knowing how not changing jobs / career / responsibilities is effecting me. Or choosing not to be in therapy right now for the effects the early abuse has had on me as an adult. Or choosing not to know about something else I haven't identified yet :)

Maintaining several of my relationships feels like being "stuck" right now. In this category I'm including my home business relationships - instead of getting unstuck and developing better ways to serve my clients, I'm neglecting them because I fear rejection. I COULD be finding ways to move them along to new places - the fact that I am not expending energy there could also be part of the message of this card.

The desire to act and the desire to be passive are so constantly at war within me. I delight in poking and prodding and lighting fires under myself and other "stuck" people. I also want to just relax, and BE, and soothe myself. Take a step back and let the routine become easy (or at least routine!).

These inner conflicts are a daily challenge for me. They cause anxiety and stress and I often ignore the symptoms, or medicate with food and work (real or imagined). How to crack the tendency to see these desires in opposition - something I fight with mental daggers (or swords) is as yet unclear. Perhaps tomorrow's card will have a possible resource or solution...

From Page of Swords to Two of Wands

Yesterday’s focus – Page of Swords (USE YOUR MIND, BE TRUTHFUL, BE JUST, HAVE FORTITUDE) was on being truthful, just, and moving out of the depression of the weekend. I spent 5 hours with Beadzilla and we created the most amazing things.

From my odd, leftover beads, her vast store of amazing materials, my “color sensitivity,” and her construction skill, we started and finished 10 pieces, and designed 2 more!

Oh, if I could just sit with paper or fabric or beads all around me and whirl them into creations (that someone else would construct) my life would be PERFECT! As for now, I am content to pay for the priviledge.

The creation energy is something I now realize is also very effortlessness. For me it is an expression of the QofP - the ability to make do and create and survive with whatever is to hand. I enjoy having a starting place, a finite set of things that get whisked into an incredible design. One inspiring piece of fabric. A single, off-color pendant, that combines with other tones and shades to make an incredible piece of jewelry. Yum-mmmmy!

The other fascinating part of working with someone on design is that is can click, or not. Beadzilla was telling me a story of two clients, sisters, who wanted to work some meaningful findings into jewelry that they would wear together. Six hours and a big headache later, they had something...but not something great. One sister came back after all the work and said it needed to be re-worked again.

In contrast, we had a blast and the designs just flowed from the board, under her tools and into wonderful, unique little works of art! At the end of the day I was again in a place where I was wrapped in loving gratitude and compliments. Beadzilla expressed appreciation for my design, my color sense and the sheer productivity of the day.

This time, when I felt the urge to creep away, and deflect the compliments, I had to work at staying present - accepting them and being warmed by them. I tried to think about the fact that Beadzilla has little or nothing to gain from false compliments or toadying. We genuinely had fun working together and creating and just spending a nice, gloomy fall afternoon in each other's company.

Making a conscious choice to face the praise squarely and not let it frighten me or turn the relationship into a mistrustful one, felt great. Compliments are from outside. They are the gratitude and expression of another person's point of view - to refuse to hear them can be seen as disrespectful and downright rude.

I LIKE thinking about things this way - even if my past has trained me that compiments cannot be trusted and can be horribly misused, I can make a conscious choice to hear them no matter what and seek the true message.

In this case, I left with my whole being lightened.

What the Two of Wands will bring me today, I do not know. Key words are: PERSONAL POWER, BOLDNESS, ORIGINALITY. I have no immediate sense of how that will play out - but it felt great to vote this morning (a personal power) and I look forward to opportunities for originality!

Chariot Indeed

Relationships are the most important thing in my life. That's why there are TWO fish in the pisces symbol, right? (I know, not really, but hey, there may be something to that!)

Well, it bothered me HUGELY that I could even write down the "truth" of feeling a little distanced from my husband. I decided I needed to be more responsible about that relationship and DO something.

So I went out of my way to engage him in conversation and express my feelings. As always, my wonderfully attentive and caring companion was there to give me BIG hugs and talk about making sure I stop feeling that way. That felt so good!

We had a very disrupted night - Birdie nightmares at 4am...strange noises at 5am...then the wakeup alarm at 6am. Even though we were both exhausted from lack of sleep and interruption, my sweetie was willing to get up and go have fun doing exercise with me. It was so kind and supportive, and I was terribly grateful and I told him so!

It was certainly an emotional change from the weekend - and I know better now that the receding and then rejoining will be an ongoing process in our relationship. It is just something that seems to happen naturally with introverts and extroverts - probably with every couple.

Especially now that he is wrapped up in important and exciting new work, I feel so cherished when I actually manage to gulp down my pride. Every occasion when I ask for attention he is more than happy to spend time with me and talk and laugh and be silly...all the things at the core of our relationship being a very happy one!

Weekend Blues

I pulled two contrary cards this weekend, neither of which could lift a glum mood I've been in since Friday night. In that post, I did a little confronting of how I react to compliments (badly). I've stayed sad from that awareness all weekend.

Other little things have upset me too, like what I learned on Saturday from the Ten of Wands (Overextending, Burdens, Struggle). Saturday was a "workday" for myself and the customers of my Creative Memories Business. I had only 1 customer who wanted to come and work all day, but I had 2 old co-workers who RSVPd that they would attend a class (Woo-Hoo! An opportunity to build the business some more!). Except that they didn't come. Which has been happening a lot to me lately. So, I felt as though I had wasted my day and that it was a letdown.

Now, I blame the right person for this - I blame ME. I don't have phone numbers for the folks who RSVPd, and I had not seen or spoken to them in a long while. I half-expected them to call and cancel, but I got more and more hopefull as no call came. And then less and less hopefull as the time for the class slipped by. As a good hostess/coordinator I should have connected with them in person and confirmed the class, but in this case, I wasn't sure how to. I took a lot on faith and got burned.

I've also gone a bit out of my way to do some favors for members of the team I work with - resulting in lots of positive results for them...and nothing for me. I'm feeling a little irritated by that. A little jealous and a little angry. One of the Ten of Wands descriptors is "working so hard you can't even see which way you're going." That is me all over right now. Working the CM business even though I have only a tiny idea what I want from it. Working at my main job even though it is very frustrating right now. Working around my house too, even though I'm a bit unhappy with my neighborhood, neighbors and the "little irritations" of being a homeowner.

I'm working, working, working...and all it is getting me is material happiness (I don't worry much about money these days) and stress about not being happy. The security of the material wealth is great; I am VERY grateful...but the things that are important, now that I have a measure of wealth, FEEL unattainable at the moment - time with friends, travel, bonding time with my husband, who I feel distanced from lately.

Saturday was a day of both too much work and too much free time to ponder things with no direction. lingering in the doldrums. It didn't help that a chronic health issue picked yesterday to turn up and put me in physical pain too. I retreated to my bed hurting and _hurting_.

Today was supposed to be a better day. A Funner day. One of the "No Plan" free days where we can be spontaneous. I pulled the Chariot - a powerful, winning card with words like VICTORY, WILL, SELF-ASSERTION, HARD CONTROL.

Ha. Not bloody likely. I took the card as a signal to focus on "winning" behaviors. Some stretching and light exercise, using eqipment I had bought but never used. Mowing the lawn and spending some time with my bird - all good. Leading to victory in the long term around my weight maintenance and home goals.

But being outside reminded me of all the things that overwhelm - the garden (oxalis is evil!), the patio...so much to do.

Then after finishing some chores and getting ready to go see a fun play, one little thing that I'd forgotten I wanted to do was remembered...and my emotional neutrality plummeted. I was suddenly cussing and super-angry that I'd forgotten! Completely bummed that the errand wasn't going to be done.

I had a terrible time trying to problem solve getting the issue taken care of AND do the fun things for the day. My husband reacted quietly and by going off and trying to fix the problem. Good man, wrong instinct. This made me mad. What made me even madder is that the errand, which would have been painless to do with company, now has to be done on my off/alone day. I have plenty of time to do it, but I don't want to do it alone - it is a big irritation. AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!

Ridiculus you say? Well, yes. Suffice it to say that the errand was already a layer of irritation on top of another on top of another. No escape. and that's what I want most - escape. I don't want to live my life for a little while. I don't want to go to work, think about all the things I am committed to; Do the chores and fight the battles. I DON'T WANT TO!

Well, guess I'd better go call my mother...

Engage

A colleague on the phone just told me I am fully in-life...fully living. A being with "yummy" energy. My matron of honor at my wedding described me as having and bringing joyfullness to those around me. Co-workers and strangers have given me the nickname "sunshine" several times throughout my life. Everyone I've ever met says I'm fun, and I've adopted that as my signature adjective.

Well. Woo-hoo for the world! WIIFM?

Okay, that's pretty cynical...VERY cynical, but reflecting on the compliment and on the fun and productive conversation I just finished, I think, and I wonder (and I worry a bit) - why would I never label myself with these attributes? Why do I have a hard time BELIEVING that those things people say about me are actually ME? Where is the disconnect?

I expect that if I was a truly joyfull, sunshiny, glass-half-full, spoonful of sugar gal, that I, ME, MYSELF would benefit. But No. When I am alone I am bored. I am sad. I am unmotivated. I hurt. I am angry. I am sneaky, mean, and I crave chaos in order to get attention.

What I find is that instead, the chemical reaction of joy needs the catalyst of a social interraction. Sit with me, touch me, write to me, call to me, look for me, respond to me, and I am engaged. I can be, will be or will become for you (and for me) the Queen of Pentacles.

What is so different? What flips the switch?

This theme is not new. Writer-lier writers have been writing for ages about the split between our self as we know us and the person the outside world can interract with.

What I know is that there is nothing that sends me deeper into a depression than writing down how Great, and Accomplished and Worthy I am in say...a resume. Or the emotional backlash of someone singing my praises, which ranks in as a close second. I outwardly manage to choke past a "Thank You" and watch my little spirit running away into dark places screaming "Not IT, Not IT - NOT IT!"

It occurred to me just now that I have descibed the way my soul literally runs away from those I love who try to gift me with compliments. It also comes to me in the same moment of awareness that this is connected to my personal work as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

Not always, not in every case, but certainly in the very recent past, I can feel the joy and engagement and sharing and loving retract, and close like a sea anemone poked with a sharp stick.

All that floating, colorful, natural beauty curled into itself - digesting itself with no prey. Afraid and hurt and closed for buisness.

A sad metaphor. The difference is that the anemone's reaction serves it, and I'm not sure mine serves me. Vestigial Soul Compaction. Just as unnecessary as it is impossible to pronounce.

Would I be more joyful if I left my soul out in the open? Let compliments and gratitude flow through me and around me and over me and trusted that their touch would be soft and gentle instead of sharp? Make my colors brighter instead of dissapearing?

Prey for thought. This arena is how I choose, right now, to engage myself. To think (alone) and create (alone) and be joyful in each moment (even though I sit here alone.)

Did I just see....??

I swear that everytime I log onto this site and start to write I see a new feature/function/option. Just now I saw a "tab" I've never seen before: Moderate Comments.

Whoa! Is someone out there READING THIS? Commenting on it? What possible reason could there be for a moderating comments tab aside from there suddenly being comments?

SO. Now I get e-mails if there are comments. (Which there aren't) Whew. I don't mind the potentially bizillion audience - but I would start to feel differently if there was an ACTUAL audience. I'm happy to languish in anonymity in my corner of the webworld.

I'm also happy to suddenly have an audience that asks questions or wants me to write about anything anyone wants to hear about. Lets face it, right now this is my Aspiration Machine, but I am ready to generously share in the generation of the aspirations of others!

That was a horrible sentence and I'm not touching it with my 10' pole. Mostly because it is strapped to my backpack and would be awkward at the receptionist's desk.

I'm ready to rest this weekend and recuperate. I've been tired and short-tempered with everyone (Hey Everyone, Sorry!).

Queen of Pentacles

NURTURING, BIGHEARTED, DOWN-TO-EARTH, RESOURCEFUL, TRUSTWORTHY (Thanks www.learntarot.com!)

I was so tired last night that I went to bed around 8pm. I walked for an hour with a friend during my lunchbreak, then walked some more after work with my husband...then had a manicure.

I felt just plain exhausted and only had enough energy to give my birdie a few cuddles and pets and then back into the cage.

I suspected that I'd be tired this morning (AaanD, HoW!) so I pulled my card for today last night. The universe got a jump on me, and people in my Creative Memories Unit called late (while I was asleep), or sent e-mails to ask me for help with things.

The trustworthy, nurturing, giving person that I am (usually) made calls this morning and did a few favors...but I was a little bit petulant about it. I've been focusing so much on increasing my physical activity to spur on my weight loss that I have been too tired to devote much to my Creative Memories business. I have set aside whole weekend days to inspire customers to get their album work done, to teach classes and to do my own work...but if I don't make calls and ensure attendance - well, I lose out twice!

What I know about the Queen of pentacles is that she shows up for me fairly often in the readings I've done (and since there haven't been that many, it is odd that she re-occurs, no?) . The nurturing and giving is certainly a core value and aspect of my nature...on the other hand, I really need some help here to keep it in balance! I can't be the queen without the wealth of time and resources - personal or financial - to follow through.

So this morning, when I was implored to act as this card acts, I fulfilled my responsibilities to others...but I was also a little angry, jaded, jealous and resentful. I WANT to muster the good hearted, goodwill and generous nature of the queen, and because I have let myself down - let myself get out of balance...the seedier side of my personality is rearing its ugly head.

Four of Pentacles

Blocking Change. Posessiveness. Control. Wow, those are some Yvettissues allright.

[On an unblocked change note, I have figured out how to format my blogwords. There's this tab thing labeled "Compose....."]

Today, I am in-too the status quo. I've been paid by an employer to spend much of my day thinking and writing about that which has absolutely nothing to do at all, in any way, with my work. Well, maybe.

In my Paradigm Shift post (I'll try to learn soon how to create a link there), I think I alluded to the way my boss contantly challenges me to not get stuck in my own sense of what is "RIGHT." Perhaps there will always be errors in data and we should accept that, and focus energy not on trying to prevent those errors, but rather on the problem-solving behaviors of our workforce.

Instead of finding root cause of the errors and rooting it out, what if we accept the errors and attempt to instill forgiveness, helpfullness, wilingness to follow a job through until it is done without blame, and accountability in our workforce. Hmmmm. {YEAH, RIGHT!?!(*%^)&%}

Is it possible that accepting the status quo - that we cannot change and must fight our (I am beginning to believe this) utterly lame-ass consultant-ware system - could lead to something even better for the organization? A Problem-Solving Workforce?

What does problem-solving require? Recognition of the problem. Industriousness or self-motivation or curiosity to determine: What happened? and How can I fix it? or Who can I ask about fixing it? NO BLAME - just results.

I don't work in that place. Today, I would rather protect and defend my sanity and my conclusions that these behaviors are NOT acheivable by me, for me. Only acheivable if the company inspires a place and time to clarify the expectation and then manage the consequences, whatever they may be.

This company - and the people in it - are desperately posessive about blocking change, controlling what they have, and refusing to give it up - even for something that could be greater, better and more rewarding down the line.

I don't like the four of pentacles world, and I am not changing my position on that, Dammit!

Alone in a crowded room

I'm so completely off balance that I desperately need to write and the words aren't coming...It isn't everyday that I learn - deep, in-your-gut-learning - something about sex. And attraction. And dancing.

Last night though, while dancing with a friend of mine, a doorway inadvertantly opened into the room where my sensual self lives. A room I honestly, even though it seems a bit sad, don't visit all that often.

The last time I felt as highly charged with burning, erotic energy was in 2000, before I began to seriously date my husband (but in fact during an encounter with him). Before that was an incident back in high school. So few vignettes of complete, mind-bending, muscle-melting passion...without the "watcher" of my rational self commenting in the background.

Certainly I've never had such a thing occur before on a crowded dance floor, let alone all because of a little eye contact.

A part of it was the dance, I suppose. When your chance comes to be the active couple in an English Country Dance, you get to do all of the fun bits. The other couples support and treat you like royalty. You are Honored Personages throughout the dance when you are A One. I danced one of these dances last night with a fun, handsome man, who is married to a lovely friend of mine. We dance together often and generally bring out the wacky and silly in each other.

Tonight though, after we did a couple of rounds of this difficult dance, and I was just getting the hang of it, my friend said, "Great - Now do it, but keep flirting."

Keep Flirting? Well...okay. and Oh. My. Goodness.

My emotional and visceral reactions to acceptable dance "flirting" (this amounts to smiling and a mini staring contest) were insistent and unexpected. Suddenly I was locked in an encounter much more intimate than any dance I had done before.

First came the playfullness - ah yes, a staring contest, simple! His eyes were there, seeking mine with every step, turn and swirl of movement. Whenever I lost, then regained eye contact, I felt a whole-body SNAP!

Finding my partner's eyes within the flurry of movement over and over again started to heighten my enjoyment of the dance. By the halfway mark of the set I was giggling, and then laughing out loud because it felt so different.

I think it would have been an unusual, but not really an impactful experience if the dance hadn't gone on. And on. And on. But in fact, there were many, many couples, and the dancing did go on.

By now, I had mastered the mechanics, and been through a few full rounds of feeling his eyes constantly seaching for mine. The effect now started to multiply with each turn of the dance. The invisible visual connection materialized - as compelling and powerful as Superman's optical laser beams.

There was no letting up of the continuous contact. A flirtatious game, and my partner was clearly winning. An overwhelming impulse to drop my eyes rushed at me. It was accompanied by uncontrollable shyness - a hormonal and adrenaline surge that I have not felt since puberty. I recognized the reaction, and was astonished by it, but simple realization did not prevent a sudden difficulty in breathing and desperate instinct to break the eye contact...Simultaneously with a stronger impulse not to.

Now began round after round of romance heroine cliche incarnate. The rush of blood to my face, then the heat and butterflies behind my navel. Breathlessness, and surges of desire each time my partner and I would flow tightly into a gypsy turn and finally touch for a two-handed spin that seemed to last hours each time we revolved, only inches apart.

The rich, yet unspoken relationship increased between us as I managed to hold eye contact for longer and longer. This allowed us to better gauge and anticipate the drifting away and uniting again of our dance steps.

Succumbing to his direction was certainly a source of erotic energy for me. Committing fully to this interractive game; Flowing, turning, spinning, dancing...holding a tight focus on my partners eyes - just because he had told me to - increased the impact of each dance movement a hundred fold. Searching for his face instantly each time passing dancers forced a break in welded lines of sight caused an immense awareness of arousal and anticipation for me.

I started to feel guilty about dancing only with my partner. There were other dancers there, and they did their parts admirably...but I literally had eyes only for my partner. I acknowledged no one else who held my hand or moved in concert with me. Even the briefest of polite, flickering glances immediately gave way to the magnetism of my partner's countenance.

The small, seemingly insignificant limitation: "Look into my eyes," was so stimulating that I began to also feel guilty about dancing such a dance, in such a way, with another woman's husband!

This idea spontaneously burst in my brain, and I went cold as I perceived that I might be so exposed in an act my superego considered a wrong doing. I broke eye contact to look for and watch my partner's wife as she danced down the line in front of me.

Sweetness, and the embodiment of Austen's Jane Bennett, she was partnered with another incredible dancer of our acquaintance. A man capable of generating the same intensity of gazes...of bringing dancing beyond the mechanical to the emotional level. Ah, well, I thought. She is probably giving and getting and dancing with the same relish as I am. It stopped MOST of the guilt. After all, perhaps she dances like that all the time...(lucky girl!)

Some guilt lingers today. It is hard to admit that last night, if I was unattached and so was my partner, I would gladly have pursued that eye contact and roaring hormone level straight to the very nearest horizontal surface. The experience was worlds beyond my previous ideas about being a "good" dancer. This was the electrical enticement of dancing.

I suddenly understood how once the emotions are there, it is hard to bottle them up. Keeping the flood inside, and the very effort of not letting it show, merely compounds it. The act of connecting energetically through dance - whether by accident or design - suddenly translated from a simple non verbal communication straight to a compulsive desire for more of the same and-by-any-means-possible!

As we finished up at the bottom of the set, we crashed shoulder to shoulder. We vented our enormous reservoir of affective energy in a fit of belly-laughing. I can never know for sure what my partner's experience was, and yet somehow I do. That level of intensity doesn't build in that way without a feedback loop to reinforce each emotional reaction in layer on top of layer.

Breaking the spell of the dance and allowing my autonomic nervous system to claw its way back to earth, my partner talked about dancing being so popular historically. It was the only possible way to feel alone, and acheive that divine intimacy with someone despite chaperones, crowds and onlookers.

I felt such a resonating comprehension of those once living, truly romantic heroines of the past. Empathy flooded through me and I knew precisely what their lives might have been like - denied an evocation, let alone a control, of these passionate emotions...with the exception of a ball here, and a party there.

While we waited to re-enter the set as lowly threes, my friend confided:

"That's what they mean by 'Alone in a Crowded Room.' For me, the ultimate experience is couple contra dancing, because the whole world spins so fast that it cannot be seen and there is nothing in your world except you and your partner."

Luckily for both of our spouses, I don't contra dance...yet.

Paradigm shift

I've been stuck for ahwile on the data. We looked at the data this morning and the conclusions of the team match mine (soo far). They are supposed to review the data on their own and let me know if they violently disagree with me. I feel good about the compromise / buy in.

The largest area of potential improvement still appears to be the system. Data Entry errors are only rampant because the system allows them. Then my boss hit me with the paradigm shift that I have been fighting: "What if we just have to live with Human Error?"

Live with HUMAN ERROR? You mean, not try to improve the system in order to prevent errors? Accept defeat and trust the band aids? Take "no" for an answer?!?

Like hell! That's not ME. That's not why I do Root Cause Ananlysis - I look for the root cause in order to fix the ROOT CAUSE - not some piddly excuse three levels above the real reason!

On the other hand, what if the "data entry error" reports stopped coming in? What if the people filling out the reports suddenly walked across the building, had a conversation, took some action and FIXED THE PROBLEMS THEMSELVES?!?!?! No cross-functional team, strong-arming action items from the unwilling. Wow. What a concept.

I'm suddenly SO TIRED that I want a nap. Maybe after my boss leaves in a few minutes I'll put my head down on my desk like a 3rd grader in trouble...

Justice

A few posts ago I made a decision that I was not capable of being objective with some data. Instead of presenting results, I decided to call the team together and review the content. The Justice Card today may have reminded me that this was a good choice. The wider experience of the group may make for more "Just" decisions. We shall see...

King of Wands

Along with the writing process, one of the few activities I have done which slow my brain and body in a peaceful way...and feel "effortless" is Tarot Reading. So what does that mean? Not much, other than that Rorshach would have had a field day with me.

AND, that when I interpret images through verbalizing, I am more easily able to access my thoughts, feelings and beliefs. That's what Tarot is, right? Using a random, fixed visual element to give insight - otherwise known inmy mind as access to the known, but squelched.

Many in my hypothetically vast audience know that All Hallows Eve is a traditional Pagan holiday. On the last day of the year (Fall being the death of the year, after the harvest), spirits (hopefully good and helpful ancestors) have the easiest time lending their power to the physical world because the veils between the worlds of the living and dead are weak and thin. Pagans in SF (and probably the world-over) call upon their ancestors to buoy them and make positive, earth-healing, peaceful magic. The rituals are beautiful, meaningful, and some of the best "church" I've ever attended in my life.

Several years ago, I was with a group of wonderful, powerful pagans on Halloween and invited to do a Tarot reading for the New Year. Since then, I've had a secret wish to find a place in my reality based life for spirituality that can work harmoniously with the squashed idealism of my world view.

Since it was Halloween, and The New Year, I sat down to do a reading, not for the upcoming year, but on a specific topic: financial advice on actions to take within the next 3-6 months. The reading last night was fascinating because all the cards came out upside down. I interpreted that as a small indication that I might not have been asking the right/most pertinent question, since there isn’t a whole LOT of insistent energy about finance right now. On the other hand, the reading also indicated that I get down to earth, move through the boredom and hesitation and do something so that I can have a huge benefit! YAY! Just what I would have (did) told myself...go figure.

More than just some information I interpreted, I realized that yesterday was divided into pre-reading and post-reading. Before I sat and did the reading I was nervous, hyper, busy, anxious and felt like the whole world was hectic. After the reading, I was pensive, relaxed, and while just as busy, I felt more like I could glide through my tasks elegantly - even my dislike of taking out the trash was muted. When my husband was late for a party, I just moved past the frustration that it would have been helpful to have him...and straight onto, "well, what happens next?" I even let the answering machine get the phone TWICE - a sure sign that I was inexplicably resistant to interrup attack.

Based on the purely physical/emotional experience of sitting in a quiet, safe place, thinking, and shuffling and centering and focusing, I decided to do daily tarot card pulls. Perhaps if I can find small moments to pull in that centered, focused energy, I can make a positive change in the overall energy web of my days.

My card for today is the King of Wands: CREATIVE, INSPIRING, FORCEFUL, CHARISMATIC, BOLD. This was a pretty great omen for the beginning of my work week. After a conference call that I was technically late for, but which had not begun despite this (nobody starts without the King!), I was able to take a solid leadership role on an old problem with a new urgency. I was also able to stop and brainstorm with the group - coming up with options that I don't think any of us had considered before, but which will nicely solve one problem and set good precedent for resolving an ongoing irritation.

An hour later, my company gave me the $100. reward for composing the company’s new tagline: Power through Innovation. I had sent it in weeks and weeks ago, but it is certainly meaningful and encouraging that that energy came back to me today!

It is okay to my rational self that the card creates a connection between being creative and inspiring and being rewarded. It was with that energy that I crafted my entries in the contest.

And an elfin manifestation of my spirit is laughing and prancing and pointing at my silly rational mind, because it knows that my emotional reaction of "Fun, synchronous, mystical...Maybe" is ONLY a lot of rationalization; He knows that I as I was shuffling this morning, I had the sudden, irrisitable impulse to pull the card right out from the near the bottom of the deck...