what it feels like.
i stabed myself in the han dlast night with the least used Wustoff knife in my wedding set. that means today i hurt, and i feel even more like an idiot, because everyone who sees me wants to know what hapened. bloodthirsty cannibals! it hurts almost as much as allowing myself to type without caps...but i've learned that i can't make do without periods (and preiodical spurts of left-hand onlt typing while i put myhand back up over myhead).
if i wasn't so tired from th 2+hour emergency room wait for my two stitches, i'd be doing something usefull right now. instead i'm bloggin one-hsnded and laughing at myself.
emergency was actually not so bad. lots of older folks, very sick. one young guy with the crazy-big 70s afro that is usually only seen in sitcom reruns. he was lank-extreme, wearing elephant sized baggy jeans and a four foot long whit t-shirt. the t-shirt was a silkscreen job, meticulously designed to look hand-painted with a spray can and stencils in brash primary greens, reds and blues. he went by slow and clutching his stomach, but still not fast enough to make sense of the apparel graffiti.
[CONT.]
today I'm feel MUCH better, but not better enough to care about caps and typos. they are choices. as emergency room injuries go, this one has been a bit of a picnic. pain, yes, but no lasting damage. I think I only shed (look! capital I's!) a couple of tears. I didn't feel bandoned, alone and terrified (like I did when a door nearly cutoff my left ring feinger).
[Cont.]
One week after the accident. I'm healing fine and I get my stitches out tomorrow. I can tell it is healing well because it has started ITCHING like crazy. In less happy news, I appear to have caught a nasty cold with a horrible sore throat, congestion and I'm tired, tired, tired.
Time to just post this and be done with it!
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Bot Flash Back
While Googling my name the other day I came across the bio I posted to the BattleBots Builders Website as pretty much a joke:
Yvette Keller
Background
None Whatsoever. Oh-Kay, I make hats.
And wings out of wire.
I hang my own pictures with nails on the wall.
That's *really* it...
Two friends of my husband's were building a Bot and coming to CA to fight it. Since we "sponsored" their trip (crash space, and a car, and local fan base) they included us a members of the team.
Achievements
People are finally taking me seriously.
They asked us to construct bios for posting on the BattleBots site. In what universe I construed that as "taking me seriously" I'd like to know...
Goals
Goal: Have fun!
Expectation: cheer and laugh so much that
I shout myself hoarse.
Which was pretty cool at the time, and is now a really fascinating "time capsule" of my attitude towards things back in 200...???
Influence
Inspector gadget.
My (departed) cat, Cinnamon.
Yes, I really did dearly love the Inspector gadget cartoons when I was younger. I can clearly visualize watching them with my brother, and I get an elusive rush of cammaraderie and sibling affection. I can't explain the cat / Bot connection. Cinnamon's ashes are still with me in a little box marked "Cinnamon." The idea of this makes me giggle for a lot of reasons, but none that make sense in a Bot context...?
Family, Friends, School
My friends make wacky projects seem like a good idea.
Mark makes wacky projects seem do-able.
Mom can make any wacky project actually happen.
I think this is one of the truest things I've written.
Favorite Tool
Sewing Machine.
I am *so* out of this phase. After my wedding, I sewed nothing for 3 years. Only recently have I been trying to wean myself back onto the idea that sewing might not be pure torture. I'm only in it for the end product - not the process. I've learned that with creative stuff, it is actually much better to love the process than the product. I am hopefull that by practicing sewing I will be better and better...and that an increased skillset will result in decresed hysterical phone calls begging my saintly mother for help when it all comes out wrong...but realistically, I'm also letting it be "okay" for me to give up sewing forever. I don't believe that yet, but someday I might.
Yvette Keller
Background
None Whatsoever. Oh-Kay, I make hats.
And wings out of wire.
I hang my own pictures with nails on the wall.
That's *really* it...
Two friends of my husband's were building a Bot and coming to CA to fight it. Since we "sponsored" their trip (crash space, and a car, and local fan base) they included us a members of the team.
Achievements
People are finally taking me seriously.
They asked us to construct bios for posting on the BattleBots site. In what universe I construed that as "taking me seriously" I'd like to know...
Goals
Goal: Have fun!
Expectation: cheer and laugh so much that
I shout myself hoarse.
Which was pretty cool at the time, and is now a really fascinating "time capsule" of my attitude towards things back in 200...???
Influence
Inspector gadget.
My (departed) cat, Cinnamon.
Yes, I really did dearly love the Inspector gadget cartoons when I was younger. I can clearly visualize watching them with my brother, and I get an elusive rush of cammaraderie and sibling affection. I can't explain the cat / Bot connection. Cinnamon's ashes are still with me in a little box marked "Cinnamon." The idea of this makes me giggle for a lot of reasons, but none that make sense in a Bot context...?
Family, Friends, School
My friends make wacky projects seem like a good idea.
Mark makes wacky projects seem do-able.
Mom can make any wacky project actually happen.
I think this is one of the truest things I've written.
Favorite Tool
Sewing Machine.
I am *so* out of this phase. After my wedding, I sewed nothing for 3 years. Only recently have I been trying to wean myself back onto the idea that sewing might not be pure torture. I'm only in it for the end product - not the process. I've learned that with creative stuff, it is actually much better to love the process than the product. I am hopefull that by practicing sewing I will be better and better...and that an increased skillset will result in decresed hysterical phone calls begging my saintly mother for help when it all comes out wrong...but realistically, I'm also letting it be "okay" for me to give up sewing forever. I don't believe that yet, but someday I might.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Inevitable Impulses
I'm pretty sure it started around 11am this morning. I had finished some mildly frustrating e-mail exchanges regarding complicated schedules...I started feeling hungry.
My 3-5PM appointment was the final session of a Time & Project management course. I opened the appointment, only to find that none of my attendees had accepted. Breathing deeply, reminding myself that these four employees were my customers, I walked around the office to make sure that the 4 students in my class were in fact, planning to attend. I felt hungrier.
I received the following unenthusiastic responses to my question: "Are you coming to our last class this afternoon?"
"What time?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"This is the LAST class, right?"
Prisoners. The lot of them. Oh, Joy.
And now I got back to my desk famished, wanting to cry, and wanting to eateateateateat, get out of the office and eat badly.
So I sat down at my desk and ate some lovely fruit salad. I barely noticed the rich, sweet fruit, because I was upset.
I tried to calm myself. I took deep breaths. I reminded myself that the food In The Gap was not supportive. I explained that while a walk or getting out of the office would probably make me feel better, eating would only SEEM to make me feel better. The fruit didn't feel good - too much acid on an empty stomach.
I decided to leave the office and call my husband...who was busy. Busy having a nice lunch, wherever he wanted, with buddies of his from former companies. And not able to talk to me; Help me overcome the sadness which translated into cravings for food "out."
So I went to the bank...to The Gap. I genuinely wanted to problem-solve a food situation that I did not have to prepare for myself. My lunch needed to be hot, novel and primarily vegetable-based (lower calorie). food options scrolled through my head:
Bagel sandwich (but the last one I had wasn't very good - not worth it)
Sushi (but that looks like it will take too long)
Starbucks (I almost fed my impulse with a green tea latte and a slice of lowfat mocha cake...but what kind of lunch is *that*?)
Finally I was going to leave, when the taqueria jalapeno menu caught my eye: Zucchini burrito. Rice, black beans, grilled zucchini and corn in a wheat tortilla. Mmmmmmmm. Pretty good compromise. Certainly better than many other choices. Now I could feel good about myself for making a good choice, even if I had to feel guilty and depressed about wanting to (and giving in to) eating out to begin with.
Back at the office, I sat at my desk, reviewing slides for my "doomed" class in a few hours. I ate half of the tortilla, a little more than half of the insides, and the small baggie of tortilla chips that came with it.
I started to feel full (What? ME? Full?!). I decided to wrap the other half of the burrito up and save it for later. I finished my "baby" diet coke and decided I needed water.
I know that this whole episode of boring details was a huge way to avoid how sad I felt about my class being "rejected." And me by association. The inevitable impulse to eat to find calm and relaxation and emotional balance is terribly, terribily obvious...But what was the alternative? Until I made the emotional pain (associated strongly with the hunger) go away, I was cognitively frantic - unable to focus on why I feel so rejected and unappreciated by my reluctant co-workers.
Is my impulse to eat what I "shouldn't" - foods that are un-supportive by virtue of their higher calories) - truly inevitable? Is there, in fact, a solid cognitive strategy for dealing with emotional eating?
I suppose the search continues. I hope I find out.
[It occurs to me to try bringing PowerGel to the office for occasions when this occurs. If I can recognize the emotional eating right away, as I did in this case, maybe the "frosting" association will help me get through it with fewer calories.]
My 3-5PM appointment was the final session of a Time & Project management course. I opened the appointment, only to find that none of my attendees had accepted. Breathing deeply, reminding myself that these four employees were my customers, I walked around the office to make sure that the 4 students in my class were in fact, planning to attend. I felt hungrier.
I received the following unenthusiastic responses to my question: "Are you coming to our last class this afternoon?"
"What time?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"This is the LAST class, right?"
Prisoners. The lot of them. Oh, Joy.
And now I got back to my desk famished, wanting to cry, and wanting to eateateateateat, get out of the office and eat badly.
So I sat down at my desk and ate some lovely fruit salad. I barely noticed the rich, sweet fruit, because I was upset.
I tried to calm myself. I took deep breaths. I reminded myself that the food In The Gap was not supportive. I explained that while a walk or getting out of the office would probably make me feel better, eating would only SEEM to make me feel better. The fruit didn't feel good - too much acid on an empty stomach.
I decided to leave the office and call my husband...who was busy. Busy having a nice lunch, wherever he wanted, with buddies of his from former companies. And not able to talk to me; Help me overcome the sadness which translated into cravings for food "out."
So I went to the bank...to The Gap. I genuinely wanted to problem-solve a food situation that I did not have to prepare for myself. My lunch needed to be hot, novel and primarily vegetable-based (lower calorie). food options scrolled through my head:
Bagel sandwich (but the last one I had wasn't very good - not worth it)
Sushi (but that looks like it will take too long)
Starbucks (I almost fed my impulse with a green tea latte and a slice of lowfat mocha cake...but what kind of lunch is *that*?)
Finally I was going to leave, when the taqueria jalapeno menu caught my eye: Zucchini burrito. Rice, black beans, grilled zucchini and corn in a wheat tortilla. Mmmmmmmm. Pretty good compromise. Certainly better than many other choices. Now I could feel good about myself for making a good choice, even if I had to feel guilty and depressed about wanting to (and giving in to) eating out to begin with.
Back at the office, I sat at my desk, reviewing slides for my "doomed" class in a few hours. I ate half of the tortilla, a little more than half of the insides, and the small baggie of tortilla chips that came with it.
I started to feel full (What? ME? Full?!). I decided to wrap the other half of the burrito up and save it for later. I finished my "baby" diet coke and decided I needed water.
I know that this whole episode of boring details was a huge way to avoid how sad I felt about my class being "rejected." And me by association. The inevitable impulse to eat to find calm and relaxation and emotional balance is terribly, terribily obvious...But what was the alternative? Until I made the emotional pain (associated strongly with the hunger) go away, I was cognitively frantic - unable to focus on why I feel so rejected and unappreciated by my reluctant co-workers.
Is my impulse to eat what I "shouldn't" - foods that are un-supportive by virtue of their higher calories) - truly inevitable? Is there, in fact, a solid cognitive strategy for dealing with emotional eating?
I suppose the search continues. I hope I find out.
[It occurs to me to try bringing PowerGel to the office for occasions when this occurs. If I can recognize the emotional eating right away, as I did in this case, maybe the "frosting" association will help me get through it with fewer calories.]
Monday, June 05, 2006
My First 1/2 Marathon
Wanted to share a couple of meditations from my 1/2 marathon hike/run this weekend.
First, physical activity at that level engenders meditation / spaciousness / ponderance of the universe. Second, my course was incredibly beautiful: redwood forest, a tight dirt trail, thickly carpeted with leaves...and really tough: 1000ft+ elevation change, hiking straight up through the forest for nearly 2 hours, trying to keep up with a 15 minute mile pace. Third, after my walking partner had an energy spurt and ended up about 15 minutes ahead of me, it was silent except for the sound of my passage.
Out of all these things (and a cocktail mix of lovely bio-endorphins), came the following interesting and 'deep' revelations, walloping my consciousness with all the forcefullness of several consecutive brick walls:
'Extreme' exercise creates spaciousness. It forces a focus on the physical body: How am I feeling? What do I need RIGHT now? Where do I hurt? Where do I feel an intense relaxation? What are my emotions telling me about what I am doing?
Watching all of these things for hours at a time while I was alone with myself, made me deeply understand Jen's "Bit of Earth." The space allocated to me in this life is limited by the boundary of my skin, and it moves inward to my core from there. Nothing else in the world 'belongs' to me, and I can't 'take care' of anything else in the universe. I may effect things, but I can never own them - they are not my 'space.'
Given how very small 'my space' is, it should be a simple task to really Take Care of it. I congratulated myself over and over for choosing to do such a special, wonderful healthy thing, like get out and exercise my body, and feel how welcoming the forest, earth, and plants were.
The running through the woods on a smaller up-and-down-hill slope, was like all the best things a roller-coaster ride can be! I found myself throwing my arms up in the air and whooping with laughter and gargantuan breaths. It was hard to stop running, because the speed and joy of doing so was so exhilirating! The plants were cheering me on - grateful for all that CO2...
When I got tired or thirsty I had EVERYTHING I needed. Water, energy drinks, gels, treats - everything to tell my body and my mind that It and I was/were "O-Kay. No worries." It was an amazing experience to know I had completely taken care of myself and needed nothing else to
be sucessful.
When I came across other runners who had surpassed my pace early on, I had plenty of energy to make sure they were allright, and had brought enough supplies to be generous and offering of the things I did not need. I felt like the super-marathon-trail-mom: ready to bear a little extra weight in the hope that that could help others along my way. It was in my skin, my heart and my core being to notice when those I passed needed a smile, encouragement or just some calories! What a hero I was for several people who looked miserable - with no effort or sacrifice - entirely safely.
I've definitely been TIRED since the event, and almost disabling-ly sore...but again, immensely peaceful. Yesterday I'm sure I spent at least 2 hours with friends engaged in whole-body-belly-laughing about almost nothing. There was a wonderful, deep freedom of spirit to be gained by doing something 'unthinkable' to me - let alone 'undoable.' And now I've done it, and I feel like my very soul has grown new spaciousness for possibilities I have not even imagined yet.
First, physical activity at that level engenders meditation / spaciousness / ponderance of the universe. Second, my course was incredibly beautiful: redwood forest, a tight dirt trail, thickly carpeted with leaves...and really tough: 1000ft+ elevation change, hiking straight up through the forest for nearly 2 hours, trying to keep up with a 15 minute mile pace. Third, after my walking partner had an energy spurt and ended up about 15 minutes ahead of me, it was silent except for the sound of my passage.
Out of all these things (and a cocktail mix of lovely bio-endorphins), came the following interesting and 'deep' revelations, walloping my consciousness with all the forcefullness of several consecutive brick walls:
'Extreme' exercise creates spaciousness. It forces a focus on the physical body: How am I feeling? What do I need RIGHT now? Where do I hurt? Where do I feel an intense relaxation? What are my emotions telling me about what I am doing?
Watching all of these things for hours at a time while I was alone with myself, made me deeply understand Jen's "Bit of Earth." The space allocated to me in this life is limited by the boundary of my skin, and it moves inward to my core from there. Nothing else in the world 'belongs' to me, and I can't 'take care' of anything else in the universe. I may effect things, but I can never own them - they are not my 'space.'
Given how very small 'my space' is, it should be a simple task to really Take Care of it. I congratulated myself over and over for choosing to do such a special, wonderful healthy thing, like get out and exercise my body, and feel how welcoming the forest, earth, and plants were.
The running through the woods on a smaller up-and-down-hill slope, was like all the best things a roller-coaster ride can be! I found myself throwing my arms up in the air and whooping with laughter and gargantuan breaths. It was hard to stop running, because the speed and joy of doing so was so exhilirating! The plants were cheering me on - grateful for all that CO2...
When I got tired or thirsty I had EVERYTHING I needed. Water, energy drinks, gels, treats - everything to tell my body and my mind that It and I was/were "O-Kay. No worries." It was an amazing experience to know I had completely taken care of myself and needed nothing else to
be sucessful.
When I came across other runners who had surpassed my pace early on, I had plenty of energy to make sure they were allright, and had brought enough supplies to be generous and offering of the things I did not need. I felt like the super-marathon-trail-mom: ready to bear a little extra weight in the hope that that could help others along my way. It was in my skin, my heart and my core being to notice when those I passed needed a smile, encouragement or just some calories! What a hero I was for several people who looked miserable - with no effort or sacrifice - entirely safely.
I've definitely been TIRED since the event, and almost disabling-ly sore...but again, immensely peaceful. Yesterday I'm sure I spent at least 2 hours with friends engaged in whole-body-belly-laughing about almost nothing. There was a wonderful, deep freedom of spirit to be gained by doing something 'unthinkable' to me - let alone 'undoable.' And now I've done it, and I feel like my very soul has grown new spaciousness for possibilities I have not even imagined yet.
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