Birthdays & Bad Moods

Happy Birthday JN! Happy Birthday, Dad!

Okay, I've just used up all happy I had for the day. I'm in an excruciatingly bad mood today. It came on me all of a sudden. It physically hurts...or else the physically hurting (woke up with swollen lymph nodes and a nasty sore throat) is in a nasty reinforcing cycle with the mood. Both are getting worse and worse by the minute.

I was fine while I was in bed, laughing and joking with my husband, but the downward spiral started as soon as I walked in the door. I'm the receptionist, and I don't want to talk to anybody.

I can count on one hand the number of times before my 32nd birthday when I really DID NOT want to be around people and celebrating. These days though, that seems to be everyday.

Curling up in a ball, in my bed, reading a book sounds ideal. Working on my photos, listening to the radio, sounds delightful. Even couch potatoing with a few episodes of Buffy would be better than my current plan for Christmas Day: Playing games, trying to resist a big, delicious meal and spending time with three other couples...exhausting.

Where did the lively Yvette Go? Maybe I'm just needing to hibernate like a little grizzly bear in order to maintain my sunny disposition. I'd LOVE to go to sleep for a few months and lose half my bodyweight too...but that's probably not an option.

I don't strictly feel depressed - I feel angry. A sort of general, malaise angry about my inability to say no (and mean no). I don't want to turn down invitations and face loneliness on the holiday. I don't want to know my friends are having fun, and that maybe, if I was with them, I'd be having fun too.

Maybe I should've jumped a plane to see my niece. How can you be angry around a cute baby girl...Naw, there would have been LOTS of other things to be angry about there.

What I want most to do is sleep. I'm planning to go home after I'm relived at noon time and do just that.

Maintenance Day 1

Here I am in maintenance - Day 1. Scary. Yeah, really scary. I had to share the body today with the Bagel Whore - and now my stomach feels overfull and kinda yuck. Overfull? *my* stomach? I didn't think it was possible....!!!

Since I don't have an official class to go to and use as a focus, I need to get back on my own, home-made weight crusade. So I decided to spend some time reading Thin for Life just now and I hope to do more of that each day.

What I just read was about emotional eating (and overeating). With two sets of grandparents who dealt with alcohol issues and two parents who were smokers, the "addiction" cards are stacked against me. In addition, the survival behaviors that have been modeled to me are based on a lot of denial, depression and conflict avoidance. With a history like that, I really need to give myself a break about the fact that my food addiction is real, and will always be a part of my life.

Fasting is the opportunity I need, every so often (perhaps even once a week, I'll wait and see), to STOP and look at my relationship with food. Am I using it as an escape from my emotions? Am I using it to avoid confronting and managing the 'real' world?

Thin for life suggests identifying food 'triggers' as a good start. I know I eat when I'm bored. I know I eat to procrastinate. I know I eat to relax and manage anxiety that otherwise just stays with me.

I also eat because food is THERE. This is one of the biggest truths I know from my program - if food is in the environment, for whatever reason, I will eat it. And I CAN'T. I need to fix the relationship with food if I want to maintain a weight that is healthy. And I need to have help. And I need to COOK. So many things to learn to do just to take care of ourselves!

Today was day 1. I don't have a specific plan for today, which is probably why the BAGEL WHORE was unleashed. I even forgot to plan for not letting her out of her cage - even though I knew there would be bagels in the building.

I didn't know there would be baskets and baskets of holiday baked goods, however. So much stacked against me....

How can I stay away from food in my path? How can I look at tempting sweets and NOT put them in my mouth. I told the Ops Director, whose wife made and sent the piles of sweets, that she must hate me. Anyone who offers me food is doing so out of generosity and kindness and sharing...and it is POISON TO ME!

Really it is poison for the whole culture and everyone in it. It is the poison of ideas: The idea that food is love; that food is a gift; that food should be shared; that food is social; that food is disposable and can be taken for granted.

I don't need the free food. I need to appreciate the beauty of the gift - the time and energy it took to create it without letting any additional calories go into my body. But the VISUAL of food is so seductive. It is beautiful and would both taste and feel good as it was eaten.

Perhaps the Catholics have a point - focusing on food too much should be one of the seven deadly sins. 'Gluttony' can certainly be powerful enough to rule your life if you let it. Ruin your health if you let it. Become an obessive and unhealthy problem...if you let it.

I won't let it. That's all there is too it.

King of Wands

CREATIVE INSPIRING FORCEFUL CHARISMATIC BOLD

Words for the King of Wands - Words for today. This card doesn't reflect my 'now' very well, but perhaps my near-future. Today I am actually unbelievably tired, in some pain, low on sleep, sliding into old, bad food habits...not ANY of the things respresented by the King of wands.

Hopefully things will turn around soon. Sleeeeeep. Neeeeeeed Sleeeeeeeeep.
Yvette

Two of Pentacles

Today's card is a new one for me: Two of Pentacles. In the card's spirit of FUN I decided to try to include the image here in my blog...it worked!

Now I should do some research on the right and wrong ways to credit the people and places that images and content are stolen from, since what I am doing is using http://learntarot.com/p2.htm.

Maybe for a day when I pull a justice card...

For today, I got to look back (after an evening draw) on JUGGLING things and being FLEXIBLE. Today was the first day of my week-long stint of four hours each day at my "Highest Paid Receptionist" job. Boy is it a juggling act. Incoming calls, my own "work" to try and do from a remote [SLOW!] system, and about a million things going on.

I also spent a lot of time pondering flexibility. Q4 is at an end, and my "project" should be over. As I struggled frantically with my juggling, I began to take seriously the idea of other possibilities. The joker in the picture can change feet, switch sides...maybe he can even flag down that boat in the background and take on a new life entirely.

I think this is poignant when I realize that I was dreading and refusing to consider an option which to me constituted failure: admitting that the team could not complete its work in one quarter. I was encouraged to do this by a fellow team member, and others agreed.

I am not-so-secretly relieved. I have been able to relax as just the 'receptionist' and not be resentful of the role-shift.

I am still worried that I will be held responsible - that it is my "fault" that the team was unable to complete the work. I feel that way because I DID a lot of the work...way more than I would have liked. So I feel that I did indeed fail my team and my company by allowing the project to be delayed. It is reasonable to feel this way. There is so much more I could have done...AND, it would not have been a group effort then. It would have been all-about-me. Not the point at all.

I'm not sure how to move forward with my decision. I feel I have failed, yet the work still has to get done. I do not feel EXTRA pressure to complete it...instead I want to just toss the whole thing.

I said "Yes"

Today is also the day that I told my husband I would marry him. December 15th, 2001. He sent me the sweetest reminder in the afternoon. It is amazing that he still thinks I'm the "bestest" thing that ever happened to him - his little apple icard made me all teary...

Some days it is hard to imagine that we have been together for more than five years. Other days I have a hard time remembering what life was like before him. (That's not true. I remember. It sucked.)

It is so easy to feel alone in this world. It is so powerful when you find a fellow human with whom you can bond. As we talk about exciting and intimate topics like, life insurance - oooh, baby - I really do understand why widows and widowers often die after their spouses - or wish they could.

When anything happens to my husband, I hurt. If he was suddenly gone tomorrow, I think Iwould be an emotional quadraplegic - I would be able to think and technically be alive, but there would be no connection to the loving function of my heart.

Six of Wands

Today is a big day. Today I generate the report that a handfull of folks have been working toward (and an equal number of people have been working against) for three months. We've been collecting data and drawing conslusions in line with our opinions. I'd like that last word to be "observations" but in good conscience, I'm not sure that is the case.

The Six of Wands is telling me that all the glory, acclaim and come-uppance are due for the hard work and angst poured in over the last 3 months. Today I have the task of summarizing and writing the report itself. Shouldn't be hard. I have a template to follow from last quarter. The task is writing, which I enjoy...which is...'effortless,' right?

Not so much. I came in and didn't get right to work. I did some reading, replied to some personal e-mails, worried a bit over some of the remaining, missing data...procrastinated. and I'm still doing it. Covering the front desk, writing in my blog - logging all the past missed days of no writing and projecting out my cards for the next few days as the season gets busier and busier. Is this an attempt to shorten my day, reduce the time I have...just in case I can't get the task done today. There's always tomorrow. And well, they don't need me for anything else .

I don't actually think the recognition is coming - I fear the opposite...retribution. I do honestly want to be helpful and support improvement within my company. I just wonder if I/the team have the ability - the knowledge to actually do that.

Ten of Pentacles

I'm often astonished at the sublime synchronicity of cards and days:

enjoying affluence
having material abundance
being free from money problems
enjoying business success
feeling financially secure
seeing your ventures flourish
having a run of good fortune

Hmmm. Let's see, I had a conversation (while having a manicure, how appropriate is that?) about how I'm in a place where I do not worry about money. Can't actually tell you what my bank balance is, and have very little worry that when I check it (which I don't do regularly) it will be lower than expected. As a result, I sent what most of my immediate family most wanted as gifts this year - money. Now they all think I'm rich...and I am. I can have what I want, when I want it. I can just say "make it so" and there's a BIG mirror in my bathroom, placed there by the handyman. Please take care of this, and a gardener friend shows up to prune for winter. Only the truly affluent can do that without worrying about the long-term affects. And I admit it. It feels great. Yesterday I was very consious of this.

seeking permanence
looking for a solution that will last
creating a lasting foundation
feeling secure as things are
being concerned with the long-term
having an orderly family life
moving beyond makeshift arrangements
nailing down the plan

Yesterday I shared with my "in the know" supervisor that I'm plannning to stay with my company for at least another year. Sometime over the past fefw days I made that decision: I *like* working 32 hours a week. I don't mind filling in as the receptionist. I *like* the security, even if I do miss the challenge. I can see some new, fun and different things filtering towards me, and I am ready to meet the challenges. I like having rapids only every few miles of a lazy river. And that is my golden opportunity here in my current job. A lazy river. Good pay, good benefits, good relationships. Good work-life balance. I can focus on improving my skills. I can focus on development for myself and the company. I realize this as I walk into my house, decorated for the holidays, with gifts under a 'Soltice' Tree. I am safe, secure and comfortable. I do not HAVE to change. It is my choice, and right now, I'm pretty cozy.

following convention
staying within established guidelines
proceeding according to the rules
taking part in traditions
becoming part of the Establishment
being conservative
trusting in the tried-and-true
continuing in known patterns

I sent Christmas gifts, even though I am not a "Christian." I do it because it is expected of me, and I am therefore choosing to express my appreciation for my hubby's family only at the time of the year that they find it acceptable to do so. So be it. It is a tradition, and I don't mind being part of the establishment...there is always the opportunity for subversion!

Four of Pentacles - reversed

The Four of Pentacles is already my friend - I see him whenever I've got that hoarding feeling.

Right now I have that feeling about time, weight management and money. Perhaps because I've been doing the gift thing - for myself as well as my family, I worry that money will suddenly be tight. Nevertheless, I forge ahead with home projects (I'll have a REAL mirror in my hall bath soon!), manicures and all the little things that make life feel good to me.

Another possible meaning is to block energy or progress, or fall back on the status quo. Tuesday was not a very move-and-shake day, that is true - the biggest thing I did was figure out (on my own) how to take advantage of some of my ad hoc reporting infrastructure.

All the data I found and was so gloriously happy about...then suspicious of...did turn out this week to be bunk. There is not a problem, and the dollar amounts I was seeing were ghosts of what might happen if our shipping volume dipped down below the deep, deep discount mark.

So, in a sense, I had to come to terms with the fact that the staus quo is correct - my company does not have a problem. An emotional letdown perhaps, as I was so glad to just be able to pull hard-data...but a GOOD THING for the company, nevertheless!

Wheel of Fortune

Spinning, spinning...The office is emptying. There is a funeral today. I believe it is indicative of our company culture that many, many people are going to a memorial service. It makes me ponder my relationship to the deceased, my relationship to all my co-workers and my perception of my workplace. [No, no pondering of death today - this was not an unexpected or traumatic death; "Just" a smoker].

I didn't expect so many people to be trickling out of the building. Men who generally wear T-shirts emblazoned with 'WTF?' arrived in dark suits and silk ties. Most wore black, though the supervisor of the deceased wore hot pink plastic hibiscus in her hair, a lei of shells, and a Hawaiian print skirt. Though she was close to her employee, and has been most directly affected by the loss, her clothing expresses celebration of life instead of mourning a death - Kudos for her!

And what about me? Why does this make me ponder my company culture? I can't imagine going to a funeral for a co-worker. I have a few co-workers that I consider friends as well - I would go to their funerals. But at what point (and what would be the point?) do you attend just to be off work for a few hours?

None. Nobody leaves work early because a funeral is better than working. Certainly none of the people I have seen pass through, headed into a cold and grey evening, appeared to be thinking "Woo-hoo! A Vacation!"

Which leads to the company culture. So why are they going? Were they close to their co-worker? Were there personal relationships under the surface? I suspect that in some cases, yes, but most cases, no...so why go?

It almost begs the question, why EVER go to a funeral?
Say Goodbye
Show Respect
Support the Survivors
Confront Mortality
Familial and Peer Pressure

And I think that it is the last item on this list which is revealing about the company. We act in so many ways like family. In some families, you are not allowed to skip the funeral of Great Aunt Ginny, even though you had not spent five minutes in her prescence since you were three. This company is one of those families.

While at some level, it is gratifying to know that my funeral would be well-attended were I to kick the bucket tomorrow, on another level, what function do a lot of strangers have cluttering the pews and nibbling the canapes?

Truly the only answer I can come up with is one I got from fiction, and in particular from the film The Great Gatsby. Thousands of people flocked to Gatsby's parties, yet no one but the narrator, Nick, and Gatsby's father are in attendance at the funeral. What a sad scene. To be mourned and remembered by no one. To have made no impact at all in the world.

I can understand that several dozen people, driving through the cold, willing to sing hymns, or speak about memories (fond or bland), would be a huge comfort to a family who has lost a loved one. The reason comes down to community. By rituals such as marriages and funerals are communities created and supported. Its a nice reason to go. Almost enough to make me wish I had. A selfless gesture.

So why didn't I?

A co-worker whose funeral I definitely WOULD attend was just on his way out, and expressed surprise that I had not chosen to go.
"I would go to YOUR funeral" I said, "but why would I go to the funeral of someone I didn't really know? I have been writing about this," I told him, "and all I can figure out is that it is peer pressure of a particularly familiar nature." He agreed, and added: "Resist Peer Pressure."
"Why didn't YOU go?" I challenged.
"I have quality of life issues," he replied. "In some cases (in this case) death is the best thing possible, but you cannot have that conversation with people at times when it would just make them more upset."

With that, he left the building, and bid me goodnight.

Knight of Wands

Knights are 'take charge' energy, and Friday I was certainly in a mood that was sympathetic to my card. Somewhat sadly, what I took charge of was holiday shopping, not so much what I get paid for. These little non-PTO holidays leave me guilty and paranoid, but I justify them as necessary breaks. A side effect of the modern worker. The worker without a 'product,' the worker who simply moves information around for a living.

Death and Holidays

I sent the following to a friend today:

Two great things that go great….oh, no wait. That’s not right.
Things you can be sure of?
Things that makes us grateful for our loved ones. Yeah, we’ll go with dat.

Hiya! I’ve been getting big ol’ hits’ the past few weeks and wanting to write to you, but not making the time to do it. My husband even said I should send an e-mail, and well, I can’t take that sort of thing from *him*. We would be talking about the sort of role reversal leading to equitable pay for men and woman, racial harmony and, no doubt, the end of the world Buffy style.

Well, holidays are coming, which makes me think of the people I would WANT to spend time with if I could…and you’re on that list. Then the death of an employee in our company was announced, and I talked to my brother about the nasty surgery that my poor little niece (who is 1 year old today) has to have in January. Life is just messy, and well, that makes me think of you too, for several different reasons.

I wanted to let you in on a new secret of mine: http://aspirationmachine.blogspot.com/
I’ve told only a handful of people I love and trust about it, because, well, it is just raw spewage. I figure it does give any folks who get ‘Yvette hits’ a chance to check in with me virtually and see what spaces I’ve been in before they commit to actual contact (which can be scary at times). I’m loosely stringing entries out on the thread of daily tarot card pulls which are as good a lens through which to look at life as any other I’ve tried. It has greatly improved my mood and confidence and I just Luuuuuuuv to write. Even if it is all trash, I like the process, and practice makes perfect. Well, really EDITING makes perfect, and that is so anti-blog, but I do practice
that too.

A reason I’ve been thinking of you is that I’ve been doing a lot of jewelry designing. An artist I met who is also a belly dancer owns a company called Beadzilla (http://beadzilla.com/). She makes LOVELY things, and does custom work with clients. I go beading, or look at my jewelry and think “I am NEVER going to wear this as-is” and I sit in her home, take it apart, look at her massive inventory, choose things, re-lay them out, and tell her how I’d like it constructed…and then she puts it all together. It is a dream come true…I don’t have to do any of the construction or learn how to manage the fiddly bits! I have designed a number of really lovely sets that I am enjoying wearing and receiving compliments on, and I can’t wait to have Mr. B take some photos to send to you.

So, that’s what’s up with me. It was great to hang out in April – always leaves me wanting more, so hopefully we can figure out how, when, where to make that happen. There’s always the possibility of a Michigan trip in early fall. I’d like to go back to the Cherry Republic, climb the sand dunes and see some of the UP at some point!

Most of all I hope that you are healthy, happy and enjoying
life.

Writing to friends and blogging look and feel much the same - which is kind of ridiculous, given that no one is actually reading the blog, except maybe the friends I would otherwise write to personally, instead of impersonally. So what does THAT mean?

The Emperor - Reversed

I feel pretty blase today. I sat in my car for 15 minutes after I arrived at work. Even though it made me technically 'late,' I could not handle getting out and going in. It was easier to be in the warmth, passively listening to the news. After I sat at my desk and realized I had no sense of urgency for any of my overwhelming pile of mind-numbing data collection and analysis tasks, I wondered what this had to do with The Emperor - reversed or not:

The Emperor represents structure, order and regulation - forces to balance the free-flowing, lavish abundance of the Empress. He advocates a four-square world where trains are on time, games are played by rules, and commanding officers are respected. In chaotic situations, the Emperor can indicate the need for organization. Loose ends should be tied up, and wayward elements, harnessed. In situations that are already over-controlled, he suggests the confining effect of those constraints.

Hmmm. Well, it seems that the card is reinforcing my tasks for the day:
1) Complete documenting the data
2) Review and start summarising
3) Analyze and understand
4) Draw conclusions

In my home life, I'm also sad and floundering about the HOW and WHY of the things I would like to have happen. It is the holiday season, and we are not traveling or being with family. I'm happy about this, as my family most often makes me crazy...on the other hand, I don't get the advantage of having a Christmas tree without the labor of putting it up myself - or a Christmas Dinner without some research in The Joy of Cooking.

We have the opportunity to be with friends, but I am somehow loathe to commit to the environment. Not feeling very friendly I suppose. I want to be with a different set of people - the ones that I am far from - instead of those close by. Those who (at the moment) I sense truly love and appreciate me - not the ones who live a few blocks away and never call.

I want a Christmas Tree, and presents, and decorations in my house. In general I'm fighting a 'move and change everything!' nesting vibe that has hit me rather suddenly.

All this chaos in my head makes me feel tired despite a good solid night of dreamy sleep. Makes me feel lonely despite the warm, laughing love of my husband. I feel mired, and I suppose The Emperor is telling me (like my own superego) to suck it up; Get organized, so that the energy can flow naturally instead of sinking...and taking me emotionally down with it.

Ace of Wands

A reocurring card, that's for sure. This is the card about creativity and new ways of doing things. I'm not in a very enthusiastic mood, but I did get a chance to talk to a friend who is.

After my interview at the company I didn't want to work for last week, I told them to give a call to a friend and previous colleague. Whether it was the strength of my interview skills or just because they planned to do it anyway, an hour later, she got a call and an interview! Hearing her enthusiasm for the job, and knowing that she is certainly a better match than I am, reinforced this idea that we can all act in the world in a creative way and with good intentions.

I've been wanting this colleague to succeed professionally for a long time. It is probably extremely unusual to provide a "competitor's" resume at the end of a job interview. Nevertheless, this action was about a different way of thinking about jobs. I considered what might be best for the company I was interviewing with. I called my friend and got her resume.

I went to my own interview, prepared to recommend her if I felt the job did not suit me, but might suit her. It was not a comfortable thing to do, but I felt I really had nothing to lose. The Ace of wands is also about Confidence and Courage - I had to trust that things would work out. I don't believe they would have - the recommendation would not have been taken at face value - if I had not done all of these things selflessly. And I have to say, I really enjoyed it.

Knowing I was helping a friend. Knowing I was potentially helping some random company I care nothing about. Knowing I was making connections and being a part of things happening. I suppose the rush comes from the "puppetmaster" aspect - but if the networking and relationship building and gatekeeping can occur with only the win-win in mind, can all the negative perceptions about the activities be negated? Can we just call it facilitation and end the conversation? Yet even in my own mind, the process takes on a shady tint.

Reminds me of something I heard on the radio. The mayor is in trouble for working out deals behind closed doors. Nobody's pocket got lined, no favors were exchanged. No individuals benefitted - only the citizens and the town as a whole. So there is a move by the City Council to censure him. Officially slap his hand for doing it all without informing the public.

So, what exactly are we paying our politicians FOR anyway? I thought we were paying for networking. I thought we were paying for charisma, negotiation and the ability to run our cities and governments smoothly so that society benefits. Slap his Public Relations Department instead, geesh!

Perhaps I only think that because I read too many SF and Fantasy novels with Kings in them. Power can be used for good or bad, but we are still electing officials and paying for them to have the power - why would we pay them and then hamstring them by telling them not to use it unless we're watching. Why would we make our officials responsible for the watching - that is OUR JOB!

Not only that, but what a sad state: Honest politics = Newsworthy. Nobody mentioned it, but how unusual would a headline be which said: "Secret deal making results in better quality of life for citizenry because mayor does his job well."

Card TBD

Did not have time to pull my card early in the day, so it will have to wait until later. Boy, have I felt sick today. Post-nasal-drip, acidy stomach, sore leg injury, burning eyes, runny nose...Yuckie.

I'm trying to keep my head-in-the-game despite feeling overwhelmed, overloaded, anxious and unmotivated. It is very hard. I fear failure.

The Tower - reversed

Sudden Change. Downfall. Release. Revelation.
Not so much, actually.

Tired. Need Sleep....

Five of Cups - reversed

Today's card is a new one. 5ofC is about loss, bereavement and sorrow. The only thing I felt the loss of today was time...it just seemed that a whole day of promise and potential slipped though my fingers.

I got a lot accomplished: Holiday gifts made and some even boxed up. Orders ready for my customers, and a package ready to be mailed. Business calls and things. And at the end, I cleaned everything up so that I won't have as much to do next week, before the crop I'm having.

No other sense of loss that I can think of. The day was quiet and fullfilling and domestic. Mindless occupation (Buffy and grinding herbs) kept me busy and distracted. No grief or despair occurred - which may mean some is coming.

I very much liked this story from the Joan Bunning description of the 5ofC:

In a story from Zen Flesh, Zen Bones, the master Hakuin is falsely accused of fathering a child. His reputation in the village is ruined, but he accepts this loss and takes tender care of the child for a year. Suddenly, the real father appears, and Hakuin willingly yields the child to its parents, accepting loss again. We who are not Zen masters may not flow quite so lightly with events, but we can learn from this story. The more we struggle to hold on to what is gone, the more we suffer.

I have definitely been the person to hold on to what is gone with an iron grip. I have, even very recently, mourned friendships years past; I often wish for opportunities to find and be close to friends who are out of my life.

Today wasn't about that though. The day was about my sweet, sweet husband, with whom I spent the whole day. Perhaps the card is warning of the IMPENDING DOOM of his workload. The next few months will be brutal and I will miss his wonderful, warm, kind, helpful presence. I SHOULD be preparing for this: Reminding myself that I can take care of everything and be ultimately supportive of him for as long as it takes for him to be successful at his new company, until their deadlines are met.

I hope that no matter what opportunitites loss brings, that I am fortunate enough to keep all my loved ones safe and close - to not actually lose someone I care about in the near future.

Ace of Wands

What a fantastic card to have on a business day! Creativity, Enthusiasm, Confidence and Courage - all of the things I need in my CM business.

I had a class scheduled for this afternoon that went extremely well. I believe I have three new, devoted customers who already scrapbook continuously, and will support my business long term. I also have a lifelong friend in my hostess. Such a talker! Such a good heart!

The day began with a treat - breakfast with a wonderful friend. She came to see me and we had a great time eating oatmeal and just chatting. I have so many friends who are terribly kind and supportive of my weight management and my hobbies and my passions - I am SO LUCKY!

An all round wonderful, take-charge day - considering I did not wake up needing to be put-down, like a lame horse. Last night at dance class I thought I had hurt my right leg badly. I hobbled to the car from dance class, and was in amazing pain trying to use the gas and break pedals on the way home. Luckily, I woke up this morning sore, but sound. A few more days off of the leg and lots of being careful for awhile and I should be fine. What a relief....

Page of Swords

It turns out that today's card was the Page of Swords (again). The Page is all about using your mind, facing problems, continuing to try and overcome problems honestly through analysis. Since the day was a really, really good one, and I finally managed to feel human again after the screw ups earlier in the week, I think the card does no a nice job of summing up.

I spent the whole day in analysis - transcribing data gathered through the week. I found numbers and metrics and had interesting conversations about what they might mean and what impact they might have. I spent time with people who are preparing to face the music - look squarely at data, interpret it and accept the findings as reality.

I also fough a little bit for my belief that not having God is equally as important as having him.
It was a great, productive day.

The only downside occurred after I left work late and went to dance class. I got a cramp or charlie horse in my right calf and ended up hobbling home, nearly unable to walk. I definitely logically faced the music on that one though - stopped dancing, went home, massaged and rested , and started to consider tand think about what moght be required of me if I REALLY want to be very active as I get older. These little muscle strains and problems are only going to get worse from here on out - I need to really work on being nicer to my body to make sure it lasts.

My hubbie was awfully kind, rubbing Icy Hot Cream into my legs, setting me up with rice bags and taking good care of me so that I could rest (and try to avoid PANIC. That was the worst - the panicky sense that I might have another injury which would put me out of the game for further months, like I was after New Zealand.)

Not what I wanted to talk about...

The Pagan trees are not even what I wanted to write about today, and since it is Friday, and since I've done a big chunk of work today that falls under the heading of "Because Yvette is a nice person," I'm taking a little extra time for myself to finish some thoughts.

I made someone's day today by being absolutely silly. And probably a lot more than one.

Our Operations Director came by my desk after lunch and told me that he hasn't laughed so hard, and so long in who knows how long. He saw me on my lunch-walk. He said I was rolling my head around on my shoulders, stumbling drunkenly down the sidewalk as a result of this odd behavior, and when I crashed right into a wall he could not help but laugh out loud, long and hard. "Hilarious," he said. "I was just cracking up and could hardly drive."

Some people might be offended, but I was overjoyed! It was like those "serious" runner girls a few posts back, to whom I pointed out that they could have more fun if they would run in the crunchy fall leaves! How wonderful that I was able to make him laugh out loud - derisive or not, I'm sure it was a good hormone release and will help him live longer and have an all-round better day.

There is humor in the world that I don't understand. A lot of it. Board in the face humor. Potty humor. Insult humor. Slapstick humor. A long list of things many people find funny that just turn my stomach. And yet. And yet.

If I could do the same thing, and walk into another wall tomorrow, in order to make my co-worker laugh again, I'd do it. After all, I didn't ACTUALLY walk into a wall or damage myself in any way. I was having fun, being a little silly - trying to get my back and neck muscles to relax, letting the rotations travel all the way down my body...it felt GREAT!

The realization that someone saw, and interpreted my actions as potentially retarded and derisively humorous bothers me NOT AT ALL. (At least in this case.)

"What? You don't waggle your whole body and shake it out to relax your muscles when you are exercising? You should try it! And thank you for telling me you enjoyed the performance - I am so glad I could brighten your day!"

Pagan Trees

So the "Christmas" tree is a theft by the Christians, who stole the idea from the pagans, in order to shed less blood, when they forcibly converted them, by not taking away all of their holidays and symbols....Right? I'm not sure why I think this, but it is a "story" in my brain about our culture.

Americans then go and make the whole season worse with their emphasis on a possibly historical gesture by three travellers in robes.

I just finished a testy conversation with our nice, self-styled 'old broad,' the receptionist. I just heard that "they" want to turn Christmas Trees into Holiday Trees.

"...And there's that guy who wants to take Christ and God out of everything..." she said, offhandedly.
"That's okay by me!" I replied, cheerfully.
"Well it is Not. Okay. With me." she stated...and then I watched her hackles rise:
"I would never presume to go to another country and tell them how to celebrate their holidays or which ones they could / couldn't celebrate but that is what is happening here! They aren't 'holiday trees' they are Christmas Trees."

Me pointing out that they are actually subjugated pagan trees did not seem to help the matter. We went through the standard arguments:

Me: We have separation of Church and State.
Her: No, we don't, our country was founded by Christians who came here to practice their religion.
Me: Founded by people who came to escape religious persecution.
Her: Grumpily making her way out of the lobby...

I don't even remember the name of the Pagan holiday. I don't care if we call them Christmas or Holiday trees. I honor and respect people's right to worship in their homes and churches.

They cant do it in public or in *my* backyard though. That's what Bein' 'Merican means.

I think calling them 'Holiday Trees' can only raise awareness within the right wing, conservative, Christian Coalition and followers that some of us are not going to let the country go without a fight.

No Card....Yet

I didn't have time this am and was too tired last night to pull today's oracle card. I don't have a topic to write about, so I'll just say WHAT A FABOO DAY!

All the stress and angst of my painful f#%k up on Tuesday; The "back to work" Blues; The effects of inclement weather - thunderrainwind; The job interview...What a week - and it was only THREE DAYS!

I'm so happy that it is Friday, that I maintained my weight despite Turkey day, that the sun is shining over a fresh and bright world, that people who love me are all around, and there is so much potential for good and rightness in the world.

I'm hoping that my workday will actually be about encouraging that goodness and rightness. Though I may be slogging through entering data and crunching numbers - without those numbers, we can't know what the effects are of our decisions. From the data I hope to still be able to drive this organization in very positive ways.

But, wasn't there a JOB INTERVIEW in the mix, you ask? Well, yes, but why would I move to another company when I can be comfy? As long as I can keep myself engaged and have days like this...isn't it worth it? I think I need to be honest with myself - relationships are important to me. I have a lot of GREAT working, and some good personal, relationships within this company. Unless everyone I like leaves suddenly, why NOT stay? Why not build my CM business? Why not do community service work with ASTD to stretch my skillset? Why not be in a job I am suited to where new and different things may be few and far between, but when they do arise I have a HUGE measure of control over projects? Why not keep my proximity to my home, husband and community? What if, I could learn to be happier with the smaller daily challenges?

There is so much to work on. Conflict is a great example. I am SO AFRAID of talking to certain people. What if I just told them that. What if I found ways to build those relationships? Okay, time to go....

Wheel of Fortune

And again with the Wheel of Fortune, though today it feels like Weal of Fortune. There's a great huge, hot, red, swollen wound on my soul from a screw up yesterday. Fortunately, it is healing a little bit, but still throbbing and painful.

I absolutely HATE it when I screw up. I hate it when the "Bad at Relationships" whip cracks across my blind side. That hate makes the wounding deeper and worsens the situation for everyone.

When I received an e-mail from a [Lazy, Sarcastic, Disengaged] employee yesterday, I reacted badly. I processed my over-reaction in writing to my/her managers [both allies of mine in this not-a-war].

Then I felt the hot blood of the anger and hurt from taking her words too personally start to clot and grow cold. Re-reading the e-mail I had sent, I realized I was behaving in a cowardly fashion. What I needed to do was not complain about the individual, but engage the person in a discussion. Face the music.

That person was not available at the moment I realized this and went to find her. If she had been, it probably would have been THE WORST possible time to deal with her. It sounds so unlikely, but I can tell you that to not have access to getting it all out in-the-moment was as painful a shock as the initial gash in my flesh. The wound re-opened with a loud ripping noise. I literally saw red, felt like I was going to pass out, and realized I had been holding my breath for what might have been minutes.

Make contact. Confront. Manage the conflict. I sent an e-mail. [Bad choice, oh well.]

I thought it was surprisingly positive and neutral toned as I re-read it. I felt generous. I felt as if I had managed to overcome her obvious, and fruitful attempt to push my buttons. I even offered to help overcome the barriers to the [self-imposed] limitations on her resources devoted to our mutual project. I entreated the co-worker to let me or her manager know how we could get the outcomes regardless of the time limit.

Actually, I just went back and re-read the e-mail (2 days later). I substituted my name and my manager's name to see what it felt like to read it out loud as if someone had sent it to me. I interpreted it as a cold, uncompromising set-down, from someone who I was accountable to. And that is what I was going for.

I've had trouble with flaming people via e-mail before, but this time I was sure I had managed the effort quite well, and all I could say was, "I'm getting a lot better, aren't I?" to my manager. But no. She interpreted it differently. Her feedback to me in our 1:1 was that it could be construed as a threat. A THREAT!?! Well, that wheel does spin, doesn't it?

So the day was up, down, around and completely topsy-turvy. I got lashed by the co-worker and pummeled by my emotional upheavals. How much of that reaction is me, my baggage and I? How much is the first-day-back-to-work-after-a-holiday? How much of it is only because I really, really CARE about doing good work?

Sometimes it just hurts so bad to live in this world, you know? The problems don't have to be big to have a huge emotional effect if you are the type of person who cares; Who bothers to GIVE A SHIT! Now the search goes on. I will someday master the art of always including the 'a.'