Wheel of Fortune

And again with the Wheel of Fortune, though today it feels like Weal of Fortune. There's a great huge, hot, red, swollen wound on my soul from a screw up yesterday. Fortunately, it is healing a little bit, but still throbbing and painful.

I absolutely HATE it when I screw up. I hate it when the "Bad at Relationships" whip cracks across my blind side. That hate makes the wounding deeper and worsens the situation for everyone.

When I received an e-mail from a [Lazy, Sarcastic, Disengaged] employee yesterday, I reacted badly. I processed my over-reaction in writing to my/her managers [both allies of mine in this not-a-war].

Then I felt the hot blood of the anger and hurt from taking her words too personally start to clot and grow cold. Re-reading the e-mail I had sent, I realized I was behaving in a cowardly fashion. What I needed to do was not complain about the individual, but engage the person in a discussion. Face the music.

That person was not available at the moment I realized this and went to find her. If she had been, it probably would have been THE WORST possible time to deal with her. It sounds so unlikely, but I can tell you that to not have access to getting it all out in-the-moment was as painful a shock as the initial gash in my flesh. The wound re-opened with a loud ripping noise. I literally saw red, felt like I was going to pass out, and realized I had been holding my breath for what might have been minutes.

Make contact. Confront. Manage the conflict. I sent an e-mail. [Bad choice, oh well.]

I thought it was surprisingly positive and neutral toned as I re-read it. I felt generous. I felt as if I had managed to overcome her obvious, and fruitful attempt to push my buttons. I even offered to help overcome the barriers to the [self-imposed] limitations on her resources devoted to our mutual project. I entreated the co-worker to let me or her manager know how we could get the outcomes regardless of the time limit.

Actually, I just went back and re-read the e-mail (2 days later). I substituted my name and my manager's name to see what it felt like to read it out loud as if someone had sent it to me. I interpreted it as a cold, uncompromising set-down, from someone who I was accountable to. And that is what I was going for.

I've had trouble with flaming people via e-mail before, but this time I was sure I had managed the effort quite well, and all I could say was, "I'm getting a lot better, aren't I?" to my manager. But no. She interpreted it differently. Her feedback to me in our 1:1 was that it could be construed as a threat. A THREAT!?! Well, that wheel does spin, doesn't it?

So the day was up, down, around and completely topsy-turvy. I got lashed by the co-worker and pummeled by my emotional upheavals. How much of that reaction is me, my baggage and I? How much is the first-day-back-to-work-after-a-holiday? How much of it is only because I really, really CARE about doing good work?

Sometimes it just hurts so bad to live in this world, you know? The problems don't have to be big to have a huge emotional effect if you are the type of person who cares; Who bothers to GIVE A SHIT! Now the search goes on. I will someday master the art of always including the 'a.'