Maintenance Day 1

Here I am in maintenance - Day 1. Scary. Yeah, really scary. I had to share the body today with the Bagel Whore - and now my stomach feels overfull and kinda yuck. Overfull? *my* stomach? I didn't think it was possible....!!!

Since I don't have an official class to go to and use as a focus, I need to get back on my own, home-made weight crusade. So I decided to spend some time reading Thin for Life just now and I hope to do more of that each day.

What I just read was about emotional eating (and overeating). With two sets of grandparents who dealt with alcohol issues and two parents who were smokers, the "addiction" cards are stacked against me. In addition, the survival behaviors that have been modeled to me are based on a lot of denial, depression and conflict avoidance. With a history like that, I really need to give myself a break about the fact that my food addiction is real, and will always be a part of my life.

Fasting is the opportunity I need, every so often (perhaps even once a week, I'll wait and see), to STOP and look at my relationship with food. Am I using it as an escape from my emotions? Am I using it to avoid confronting and managing the 'real' world?

Thin for life suggests identifying food 'triggers' as a good start. I know I eat when I'm bored. I know I eat to procrastinate. I know I eat to relax and manage anxiety that otherwise just stays with me.

I also eat because food is THERE. This is one of the biggest truths I know from my program - if food is in the environment, for whatever reason, I will eat it. And I CAN'T. I need to fix the relationship with food if I want to maintain a weight that is healthy. And I need to have help. And I need to COOK. So many things to learn to do just to take care of ourselves!

Today was day 1. I don't have a specific plan for today, which is probably why the BAGEL WHORE was unleashed. I even forgot to plan for not letting her out of her cage - even though I knew there would be bagels in the building.

I didn't know there would be baskets and baskets of holiday baked goods, however. So much stacked against me....

How can I stay away from food in my path? How can I look at tempting sweets and NOT put them in my mouth. I told the Ops Director, whose wife made and sent the piles of sweets, that she must hate me. Anyone who offers me food is doing so out of generosity and kindness and sharing...and it is POISON TO ME!

Really it is poison for the whole culture and everyone in it. It is the poison of ideas: The idea that food is love; that food is a gift; that food should be shared; that food is social; that food is disposable and can be taken for granted.

I don't need the free food. I need to appreciate the beauty of the gift - the time and energy it took to create it without letting any additional calories go into my body. But the VISUAL of food is so seductive. It is beautiful and would both taste and feel good as it was eaten.

Perhaps the Catholics have a point - focusing on food too much should be one of the seven deadly sins. 'Gluttony' can certainly be powerful enough to rule your life if you let it. Ruin your health if you let it. Become an obessive and unhealthy problem...if you let it.

I won't let it. That's all there is too it.