Spinning, spinning...The office is emptying. There is a funeral today. I believe it is indicative of our company culture that many, many people are going to a memorial service. It makes me ponder my relationship to the deceased, my relationship to all my co-workers and my perception of my workplace. [No, no pondering of death today - this was not an unexpected or traumatic death; "Just" a smoker].
I didn't expect so many people to be trickling out of the building. Men who generally wear T-shirts emblazoned with 'WTF?' arrived in dark suits and silk ties. Most wore black, though the supervisor of the deceased wore hot pink plastic hibiscus in her hair, a lei of shells, and a Hawaiian print skirt. Though she was close to her employee, and has been most directly affected by the loss, her clothing expresses celebration of life instead of mourning a death - Kudos for her!
And what about me? Why does this make me ponder my company culture? I can't imagine going to a funeral for a co-worker. I have a few co-workers that I consider friends as well - I would go to their funerals. But at what point (and what would be the point?) do you attend just to be off work for a few hours?
None. Nobody leaves work early because a funeral is better than working. Certainly none of the people I have seen pass through, headed into a cold and grey evening, appeared to be thinking "Woo-hoo! A Vacation!"
Which leads to the company culture. So why are they going? Were they close to their co-worker? Were there personal relationships under the surface? I suspect that in some cases, yes, but most cases, no...so why go?
It almost begs the question, why EVER go to a funeral?
Say Goodbye
Show Respect
Support the Survivors
Confront Mortality
Familial and Peer Pressure
And I think that it is the last item on this list which is revealing about the company. We act in so many ways like family. In some families, you are not allowed to skip the funeral of Great Aunt Ginny, even though you had not spent five minutes in her prescence since you were three. This company is one of those families.
While at some level, it is gratifying to know that my funeral would be well-attended were I to kick the bucket tomorrow, on another level, what function do a lot of strangers have cluttering the pews and nibbling the canapes?
Truly the only answer I can come up with is one I got from fiction, and in particular from the film The Great Gatsby. Thousands of people flocked to Gatsby's parties, yet no one but the narrator, Nick, and Gatsby's father are in attendance at the funeral. What a sad scene. To be mourned and remembered by no one. To have made no impact at all in the world.
I can understand that several dozen people, driving through the cold, willing to sing hymns, or speak about memories (fond or bland), would be a huge comfort to a family who has lost a loved one. The reason comes down to community. By rituals such as marriages and funerals are communities created and supported. Its a nice reason to go. Almost enough to make me wish I had. A selfless gesture.
So why didn't I?
A co-worker whose funeral I definitely WOULD attend was just on his way out, and expressed surprise that I had not chosen to go.
"I would go to YOUR funeral" I said, "but why would I go to the funeral of someone I didn't really know? I have been writing about this," I told him, "and all I can figure out is that it is peer pressure of a particularly familiar nature." He agreed, and added: "Resist Peer Pressure."
"Why didn't YOU go?" I challenged.
"I have quality of life issues," he replied. "In some cases (in this case) death is the best thing possible, but you cannot have that conversation with people at times when it would just make them more upset."
With that, he left the building, and bid me goodnight.
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