Dollar short

Huh. Here it is a day later and I definitely feel a dollar short on what I needed to get OUT. The concept of beauty still haunts - what is beautiful? but deeper than that is the question of why it even occurs to me to ponder it. I want to be beautiful. I want others to think I am beautiful. It is beyond vanity, though I admit there is that - When you've worked hard to lose weight and have a healthier body and lifestyle, the rewards are important.

But I also want the special treatment, like being asked to dance, having people smile at me, be nice to me, give me attention and want to be around me...all those things come with 'pretty.' It would be denial to say they didn't. It would be denying reality.

Reality is also guys you don't know checking you out from across the room. And maintenence (Hair, clothes, makeup..things I have in the past cared absolutely nothing for). Sometimes those things are VERY fun, and some days I can get by without them...but I feel like it is a losing battle in the long run.

Reality is also feeling good about the "belle of the ball" syndrome. I don't feel like a 'piece of meat' when I'm English Country dancing with friends or strangers. But I do feel like my (relative) youth and good looks and energy are extremely appreciated in the community. Everyone is glad to see me and always kind and complimentary. It feels good...but it is a lot of attention too.

I don't know if 'pretty' can in fact be something that just *IS* Like Twelve Oaks - I would be so happy to be something graceful and beautiful that wants only to be loved - to make others happy. I don't want them to necessarily impact me, interract with me or have the 'pretty' inspire or compel them to interfere. I like the idea of manifesting the spirit of dancing and the 'ideal' of it...without having to be responsible for it. And there's the BUT. I knew it was there, and I didn't know what it was. If you're beautiful or even pretty, what's your responsibility? Do you have to maintain it at the level others expect? Do you have to be nicer, kinder, gentler, more forgiving and loving (like Melanie Hamilton?). I guess I always feel I fall so far short of that ideal...and I don't even want it really...the same way I don't want "dangerous beauty" or "cruel intentions" or any of the other possible power-abusing shades of beauty.

Hmmmmm.....time's up.