Thin Veneer of Organization

My boss today said she was surprised that my taxes took me approximately 14 hours to complete last weekend. "You're so *oooorganiiiiized*...that surprises me." HA!

This relates to, um, my WHOLE FREAKING LIFE. I continue to have this very disturbing belief that what people see and experience from me is iteration after iteration of this thin veneer of organization. Or perhaps my facade of intelligence. Maybe a glaze of cheerfullness. A fleeting impression of confidence. [Hmm. No. That one is real. That is real confidence, and real trust in my own judgement.] Instead, what about a fleeting impression of discipline (yeah, I've actually been accused of that. Blew my mind).

I ponder all these things I seem to others, but would never attribute to myself. It makes me worry:

1) Do people really just not "get" me?
2) Am I the polar opposite of what they see, but I have been taught I can't behave that way, so instead I have become this little show?
3) Am I as cool as they think I am and so I should stop hampering my rise to greatness by dis-believing the compliments and positive attributions of others?

They did this wonderful study ('They" in this sentence being the cool social scientists psych students get to study) about the gender difference in attributing personal success or failure. It turns out that on an identical test, designed to be impossible to score high on, a failure to perform will be (correctly) attributed by men to the test or the external environment. Women will attribute their perceived failure internally to some lack of knowledge or personal performance. The inverse is also true: When women accomplish something they attribute the acheivement in balance with environmental factors, while Men tend to boost their egos.

This is the kind of research that sticks with me and blows me away. Is this related to the contemptible disbelief I feel when people accuse me of positivity?

I would NEVER describe myself as inherently happy; There is always something good externally, MAKING me happy. I would never describe myself as disciplined; I get help externally and find people to hold me accountable. I am not organized...not in my thinking, my writing, my accounting, my scheduling...Although, I am extremely happy with my closet. I was forced to get that way by sheer need to dress...in the same way I had to become organized enough to keep a job and do it tolerably well.

Is it that I am seeing the difference between the survival skills I've learned and what I consider my 'nature?' Why is this theme so re-occurring and worrisome to me.........?????