Waiting for The End...

...of a long day. I learned the terminology for a "referential check" today. I LOVE Geeks who answer my questions! I should be more ashamed about the fact that I hate looking things up, but I just do.

I'm going into space as soon as they get that spaceship you can talk to all rigged out. I am Sigourney Weaver's character in Galaxy Quest - all verbal, all the time. I don't know specifically how that relates to writing, except that I can hear it all spilling out of my head onto the page. That is probably why I use about 25% more commas than I need to - I can HEAR them, so IN THEY GO!

The comma stacks make my husband NUTS, but other than that he's a fantastic editor. WAY better than I am at figuring out that the reason the sentence doesn't sound quite right has to do with the fact that it has 16 words in it and no subject, and no verb. Go figure.

Makes me wonder why I would want a job using more of my writing skills - I'd be so rusty and out of practice. But let's face it, we're all rusty and out of practice at something. All we have to do is be reminded of the steps, the rules...it is all about the refresher course. and writing - even writing drivel like this is somehow FUN for me. Effortless. Like HUGS! Not many other things are truly effortless for me...in fact it is a short list:

color matching
eating
free style dancing
planning
brainstorming
seeing

Okay that last one is a given unless you're blind, but I think I ran out of steam and wasn't going to include "hearing" and "touching" and other senses.

In fact, lo0oking back at the list, "eating" is a COMPLETE LIE for this exact moment. I'm back in my weight loss program (keeping off 70 pounds - Woo-Hoo!), heading for another 12 lb loss and eating = angst. Decision Anxiety (do I do the right thing or not?), and Third Option Thinking (this is kind of like staying on program because it won't be SO bad), and Positive Self Talk (Good for you! You avoided the Halloween Candy Successfully, despite having to sit with it in front of you, and watch a half-dozen other people walk away with yummy M&Ms and Candy Bars...) are my way of life. NOT effortless at all.

So far this blog is pretty effortless. And hey, it definitely takes the place of "lonely" and "want to eat" in the short term (though I actually am getting hungry now). I worry though. What if someone I know reads this? What if no one I know reads this? What if I want to say mean things about people? Would a prospective employer find me here and think "What a nutcase! No way we're hiring her!" I hear terrbile stories of stupid people blogging about their torrid sex lives, including names...and then their Girlfriend or Husband or Lover #16 reads it, and well, their secret is out and lots of people are hurt.

Sometimes I want to hurt people; Rarely do I let my little vindictive self have her way. I think that is called "Being An Adult."

So why blog? (Cell minutes expensive?) I want to express myself about nothing. And everything. I think ALL THE TIME. No, not true. Maybe true? Let's call it true.

People I know get very weird when I actually have "free" conversations because my brain (like a lot of people I know) jumps freely from association to association. I'm not thinking all the time about solving things, or making the world a better place...but I do have a constant sense of the flow of my own thoughts, and awareness of everyday things that spark other impulses in my mind...a constant web of hyper lightpoints jumping and moving: thoughts.

I know some people whose brains actually get a rest, but when I'm conscious, I'm thinking all kinds of stuff. My husband teases me about having "No Internal Dialog" but I don't think that is true. Sometimes I am more "prepared" than other times. It is more like having thought filters that need to be changed. Without the filters (which is a state I hope everyone in the whole world finds a time and place to be in), yeah, flow baby, flow...

With the filters, I can keep names out of this blog. I can teach and present to large audiences. I can be witty and make polite dinner conversation with Very Important People. I can work, and be an overpaid receptionist. How are those filters created? Whether or not you have them and which ones you have and how they match or miss the filters of others determines so much about your status and class in the social world. So how do you get them? What are they made out of? (The opacity of experience woven together?)

Now I really am hungry...