Define "Friend"

My husband doesn't like the word "Love" in English. Too many meanings.
I don't like the word "Friend."

Some people I know announced that they were pregnant.
Has nothing to do with me.
Except that the announcement implies some things that make my gut wrench, make me want to cry and make me coldly angry. (An unusual reaction, yes, I know.)

First, to me it means that they are not friends. Some shift has happened in their lives, so great that they have gone from "We're on the No Kid Plan" to "We're Having A Baby!" A change so common that the phrase is trite: Biological Clock Ticking.

That shift is no doubt personal. And of course, this is America after all. It is their choice to share or keep the inner working of their minds, relationship, lives, to themselves...keep them from their "friends." To be as private with their lives as they choose.

But they are acquaintances - not my friends. My friends share. My friends "catch-up" after years of separation, and our intimacy is re-born - fresh, and immediate. My friends care enough about me to level with me. Not let me "worry" about them when they are sick for months. My friends let me offer to help in times of crisis, even if they do not accept. My friends grow and evolve with me. My friends are brave with their emotions, reasons, wisdom. My friends trust.

Losing friends...giving up on the idea that someone you care about and would like to spend more time with is not compatible, or that the sensation is not mutual...that is Pain. And for me, for some reason, that is pain overandoverandover.

Second, it is also implied or imagined that I am deficient. Unworthy. Nosy. Demanding. For a subset of persons, personality types, individuals...I am, because of my beliefs, my needs, my core emotionality...A Bad Friend. I have managed to find many of those people in my life, and yet each time it is a fresh, stinging. and soul-bruising blow.

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Out the third story window, a pair of Brown Pelicans hover, lifted in the mild northeasterly(?) wind off SF Bay. They are together in formation, knowing what they need to know and doing what they need to do. Mated, and happy, as I am with my husband, or simply flock-mates...still they know what they need to do to stay safe and cohesive as a pair, or in a larger flock.

I feel that I lack that knowledge.
I feel I stand outside it.
I am lonely, betrayed by my "group" and angry for feeling this way.
I should be beyond this sensation - don't young humans grow out of this - get past teenage angst?
And yet it remains.

In the face of happy information, I am reminded that to care is to be hurt. To have rock solid beliefs is to have them shattered by mere diversity.