Clear Agreements & “Accountabilibuddies”

 As a follow-up to my SMART goals post, I'd like to share some ideas about working with an "accountabilibuddy," or ABB. My own shiny new ABB used this term at a recent meetup, and I LOVE IT. She thinks her brother may have coined the term, and if so, I thank him deeply.

Often the most difficult part of achieving your dreams is staying on track. Writing actions down, getting specific, and shouting them out loud may be half the battle, but then there’s that other 50%. 

Asking for accountability, support, and cheerleading is hard for a lot of us. It requires trust, commitment, and equality.  Giving support can also be risky. Many people fear being sucked in, having someone be dependent on them, or giving too much and burning out.

           

The best answer for overcoming these very real challenges to supporting each other is to have a clear agreement about what the ABB relationship looks like. Because your new buddy is a fresh relationship with no interpersonal baggage (yet), it is an amazing opportunity to practice communication and an idea called Clear Agreements.

           

Creating a Clear Agreement is such a simple process that it feels embarrassing to write it down; just determine: What, When, How? (Why is optional) Simple, right? Obvious, right? Duh, right? Turns out not so much. Taking the time to stop and do this early and often in new relationships is uncommon. It may also be more difficult than you might think, because while the shiny new relationship doesn’t have any baggage yet, you, my friend, almost certainly do.

           

The good news is that answering the questions below and practicing setting clear agreements will not only help you have a solid and dependable accountabilibuddy, but it might improve your other relationships as well. Here are some questions you can use to prepare for a strong, mutually beneficial “accountabilibuddy” relationship:

1) Consider past experiences where you felt supported. Have you had a great boss, a team coach, a parent, a teacher that challenged and encouraged you? List specific actions or key words that person used to motivate you:

2) Based on your Goal and Action Plan, what does ideal support look like?  What actions would you like an accountabilibuddy to take that will help you stay motivated and move forward in your goals (especially in the face of adversity)? Examples: email, phone call, meeting, walk.

3) When and how frequently would you want a buddy to hold you accountable? Daily? Weekly? Bi-Weekly? Monthly? Be as specific as possible about your ideal support.

4) How do you want to work with your accountabilibuddies? Phone? Email? Text? In-person? Over coffee? While exercising? In a coffee shop? At your home? Be as specific as possible about your ideal support.

 

5) Review the What, When, How items you’ve captured. Are you willing to provide some of these to someone else? Do they seem like a lot to ask? Write down any support you want, but feel like you might not be able to provide yourself.

The Clear Agreement I want to ask for is ___________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

One thing I will do to practice asking for support is ___________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

The hardest part of the ABB relationship for me is ___________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

Once you've answered all of these questions, you should be pretty clear on what you want. Not sure who to ask for support? Here are some tips:

1. Start by telling everyone how excited you are about your goal! Once they know what it is, they may know someone on a similar path or even someone who had "been there" and may be available to mentor you.
2. Checkout Meetup.com for local groups that meet to support realizing the type of goal you are pursuing.
3. Hire a coach. Sometimes you want to rely on a professional. This can be especially useful if you aren't interested in a mutual accountabilibuddy agreement. Coaches will help you create a clear agreement, support you, and in return you'll pay them. Voilà! The relationship stays in balance. [Yes, feel free to hire me if you really want to! www.mesasteps.com]

My S.M.A.R.T. Goal Example for 2016

As you're about to read, writing is one of my biggest "new" goals for 2016.

In my life as a corporate trainer, coach, and project manager, it has been my privilege to help other people create and stick to S.M.A.R.T. goals.

I know. Everyone is groaning and closing their browser on my blog post right now. Especially anyone who has ever been a manager. But I truly find S.M.A.R.T. goals useful. I offered to write up what the acronym means and an example of how to use it for my local women writers group, and I'm re-purposing that offer as a blog post.

What you will also see below is my personal example of goal setting for 2016. Because that is text-heavy and Bo-RING, I'm going to capture images from a new tool that I was invited to use by one of my writing and costuming heroes, Mary Robinette Kowal. If Mary says something helps her, I give it a go, and this year that means Habitica.com.

This isn't a plug for the app, but I can say that where I personally have always fallen down on using S.M.A.R.T. goals is in the iteration and CONSTANT VIGILANCE required to achieve them. I'm now using Habitica for that, and so far, I love it.

I also offered to write a bit about ways to ask for and offer support, to what one of my groups is calling "accountabilibuddies." It rolls off the tongue like supercalifragilisticexpealidocious, but is a noun, not an adjective or an exclamation. Watch for that as a followup tomorrow.

SMART Goals

S = Specific

M = Measurable

A = Accountable

R = Realistic

T = Time phased

The reason to break goals down into a short paragraph that addresses each of these criteria is to ensure that goals aren’t too big and impossible, nor too small and insignificant. Just like a novel, an article, or a story, to set successful goals, first we do our pre-work.

For example, my general goal might have started out as “Do more blogging and get published.” That’s nice. Nice Goal. Hey...Back...Stay Back...NICE GOAL...GOOD GOAL…OMG IT’S GOING TO FALL ON ME, HELP!!!!

This is what happens to big, non-specific goals. THEY CRUSH YOU.

So ask your 5 Ws + 1 H, and then add your sensory/somatic questions: Who, Why, What, When, Where, How, See, Smell, Taste, Touch, Hear

Who - I WILL blog more and get published. I will need the SUPPORT of my husband, a writing group, an editor, my friends. All of these people are a part of whether or not I reach my goal.

Why - This goal is important to me because the career of writer appeals to me. [If I was my coach, I would make me expound on this. Trust me I have elsewhere]

What - Blogging means public posts that anyone with internet access can see. Being published means someone read something I have written and paid me (anything) to use it in a publication.

When - In 2016

Where - N/A (It is ok to skip things that don’t seem relevant. All the questions will not apply to every goal)

How -  By writing every day and participating in writing groups.

See - When I achieve my publication goal(s) I will see an acceptance email and a contract. Then see my writing online or in print in an uneditable format. Not my blog; Can’t go back and edit ink on paper. When I achieve the blogging goals, I will see more entries in 2016 than I had in 2015.

Smell - N/A, but get more creative than I did here and TRY to come up with a sensory outcome for your goals.

Taste - I will taste the special victory dinner out that will be my reward for a first publication and at every 50 blog posts. I will ask my friend Emily to make me her special cinnamon chocolate cake to celebrate my first $1000. in writing sales.

Touch - The feel of flipping pages in a magazine to see something I have written will FEEL like victory!

Hear - I will hear pieces as I read them out loud prior to submitting them. I will hear my husband say “I’m so proud of you!” and read congratulatory messages from my writer friends.

I’ve taken some time to think about all things that might apply to my goal. Now we can put them into the SMART format. Let’s look at each aspect of the acronym:

S - Specific

From “do more blogging and get published” I already have more specific ACTIONS I will take to reach the big goal:

I will write every day.

I will join a writing group.

I will write blogs and stories/articles.

I will submit to journals and magazines.

Now, as I move on to the next letter, I keep challenging myself with more questions.

M - Measurable

For each action toward the goal, ask, “How will you measure this?”

I will write every day. (When? Where? How many Words? How much time? How many publications?)

I will join a writing group. (How will you find one? How will you measure that you are in one?)

I will write blogs and stories/articles. (Where will you keep your list of ideas for your writing? How often will you do prompt writing, read other blogs, or find fodder for what you want to write?)

I will submit to journals and magazines. (How will you find markets for your work?)

Now the Actions have become:

I will write every day: New content, including my warm up, morning pages, prompts, and tarot in the morning when I’m ‘dreamy,’ and edit existing content when I’m fully awake.

I will join a writing group at Meetup.com, MRK FB Group, and meet local writers via participating in NaNoWriMo.

I will write blogs and stories/articles beginning with the backlog of incomplete stories and travel from 2013 - 2015. The list of drafts is in a Writing folder on my laptop and ready to submit stories will be kept in DuoTrope, where I will track my submissions.

I will submit to journals and magazines that I find using DuoTrope, Freedom With Writing and FB groups that alert about writing contests.

A - Accountable

For each action toward the goal, ask, “How will you be accountable for this?”

Now the Actions are:

I will write every day: New content, including my warm up, morning pages, prompts, and tarot in the morning when I’m ‘dreamy,’ and edit existing content when I’m fully awake. I am accountable to myself, but I will also track whether or not I wrote using Habitica.com and have many journal entries as evidence.

I will join a writing group at Meetup.com, MRK FB Group, and meet Local writers via NaNoWriMo, and find an accountabilibuddy to externally motivate me.

I will write blogs and stories/articles beginning with the backlog of incomplete stories and travel from 2013 - 2015. The list of drafts is in a Writing folder on my laptop and ready to submit stories will be kept in DuoTrope, where I will track my submissions. I will track via habitica.com and my accountabilibuddy.

I will submit to journals and magazines that I find using DuoTrope, Freedom With Writing and FB groups that alert about writing contests. I will track via habitica.com and my accountabilibuddy.

As I mentioned at the start, this is my weakest area of every S.M.A.R.T. goal I've ever made. 

Enter Habitica! 

What I find very useful is the way Habitica categorizes things as "Dailies" "Habits" and "To-Dos." Joining a writing group is a To-Do because I only do it once. On the other hand, submission might only happen one time, but it involves steps, and Habitica lets me break them out into a checklist:

Writing a certain amount every day is an ongoing habit. Every day I do better, or worse, so habits have +/-. Habitica lets me log wordcounts, which will differ from day-to-day:

But writing EVERY day is a Daily - I lose life-force points if I don't do at LEAST my morning pages:

If you're motivated by checking things off of lists and you need a place to keep ALL the things you need to do, gamifying your life might be a fun thing to try for 2016.

R - Realistic

For each action toward the goal, ask, “Is this Realistic? What could PREVENT this action from happening?”

Problem solve any challenges. Now the Actions are:

[EVERY day? Really?! What about Vacation? Weddings? Funerals? When you’re sick?] I will plan to write every day, but have compassion and forgiveness for myself if it doesn’t happen. If I am really excited about an existing piece, or on a deadline, I give myself permission to prioritize my writing each day. Generally following the pattern of new content, including my warm up, morning pages, prompts, and tarot in the morning when I’m ‘dreamy,’ and editing existing content when I’m fully awake, are the actions I will take to meet my goal. I am accountable to myself, but I will also track whether or not I wrote using Habitica.com and have many journal entries as evidence.

[What if your group breaks up? What if your group hates what you write?] I will join a writing group at Meetup.com, MRK FB Group, and meet local writers via NaNoWriMo, and find an accountabilibuddy to externally motivate me. I will work with people who inspire and support me and I will leave the group if it is hindering my goal instead of helping.

[You have too many stories to work on! What if you get writer’s block? What if all your stories suck? How will you pick?] I will write blogs and stories/articles beginning with the backlog of incomplete stories and travel from 2013 - 2015. I will pick a market FIRST, and then look through my stories that seem to meet the needs of a contest or publication. The list of drafts is in a Writing folder on my laptop and ready to submit stories will be kept in DuoTrope, where I will track my submissions. I will track via Habitica.com and my accountabilibuddy.

[What if you only get rejections for everything you submit?] SUBMISSION COUNTS. BLOG POSTS COUNT. Because the core of the goal is “more” I only have to beat my own prior year record (49/0 respectively). Two items per month feels realistic. I will submit to journals and magazines that I find using DuoTrope, Freedom With Writing and FB groups that alert about writing contests.  I will track via Habitica.com and my accountabilibuddy.

T - Time Phased

For each action toward the goal, ask, “When will you do this? BY WHEN will this be complete?”

Now the Actions are:

I will plan to write every day, but have compassion and forgiveness for myself if it doesn’t happen. If I am really excited about an existing piece, or on a deadline, I give myself permission to prioritize my writing each day. I will generally follow the pattern of new content, including my warm up, morning pages, prompts, and tarot in the morning when I’m ‘dreamy’ from 7-8AM (7hrs/wk), which I will put on my Google Calendar and make a Habit for in Habitica. Editing existing content will happen when I’m fully awake, Tue - Fri, 10AM - noon (8hrs/wk), which I will put on my Google Calendar and make a Habit for in Habitica. I am accountable to myself, but I will also track whether or not I wrote using Habitica.com and have journal entries and submissions as evidence.

Before January 1, 2016, I will join a writing group at Meetup.com, MRK FB Group, and meet Local writers via NaNoWriMo, and find an accountabilibuddy to externally motivate me. I will work with people who inspire and support me and I will leave the group if it is hindering my goal instead of helping.

I will write blogs and stories/articles beginning with the backlog of incomplete stories and travel from 2013 - 2015. I will pick a market FIRST, and then look through my stories that seem to meet the needs of a contest or publication. The list of drafts is in a Writing folder on my laptop and ready to submit stories will be kept in DuoTrope, where I will track my submissions. I will track Market Research, Story Editing/Critique, and all the habits via Habitica.com and my accountabilibuddy.

By the 15th and 30th of each month I will have updated my blog and DuoTrope.com. Submissions all count, and blog posts count.  Because the core of the goal is “more” I only have to beat my own prior year record (49/0 respectively). Two items per month feels realistic. I will submit to journals and magazines that I find using DuoTrope, Freedom With Writing and FB groups that alert about writing contests.  I will track via habitica and my accountabilibuddy.

If you happen to ask me what my writing goals are for 2016, will I read you this 1500+ words of exposition? No. Way. Besides there are whole other chunks of write-ins and time listening to Writing Excuses that aren't even included in here. But from the work I’ve done, I have my elevator pitch which is specific, measurable, accountable, realistic, and time phased:

I will work on writing for at least 15 hours a week, and complete 2 finished pieces of writing each month. Blog entries or submissions to paid markets both count towards my goal.

And if anyone asks, I can expand on questions like…

How are you going to do that?

Where will you get your ideas?

What tools will you use?

...because I’ve REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT!!

Sometimes, life takes a little while to sink in.

My husband has been back to working each day, in an office, outside our home, for over a year and a half. It sucks.

See, when we relocated to glorious Santa Barbara five years ago, we both worked from home. We were office mates, lunch buddies, and spent every day together. For three years. It was AWESOME.

But I was worried I wouldn't meet new people, or make any friends, so I joined Meetup.com, and went out to be social most evenings. Now my schedule generally follows that initial pattern. Most evenings I have extra-curriculars...and I hate it. I have turned Me into a flake, because I schedule and then don't go to things. I make excuses about being tired, needing to stay home and cook dinner, or blame it on the dog (who clearly needs a walk with BOTH me and my husband).

But that's not the real story. Thanks to my dreaming mind, I finally understand that I'm extremely resentful of my own tendency to schedule being away from home most evenings.

Like most married people who work, evenings are now the prime hubby-time. We have to talk, laugh, play games, and get things done during evenings and weekends. And if I'm not home, I get no time with him. And I feel disconnected and sad.

So if I have a New Year's Resolution, it is to drag my husband out with me every night.

Psych! No, that's not it. It is actually to try to find balance between home-social and world-social.

As an extrovert, I get plenty of "alone time" (WTF is that?!?) all day as I work alone. But my husband still needs his alone-time on evenings and weekends, and sometimes we disagree about how much he needs. Well. Sometimes how much he needs feels personal, though it isn't. Working on that too, always and forever. 

So I have to maintain some level of world-social, because that translates to his alone-time. And, of course, I don't want to blow off all of the cool friends I have made, give up the exciting groups I'm in, and miss out on the joyful adventures I have become accustomed to.

What's the answer? 

It's going to blow your mind.

Meal Planning.

Seriously. Yup.

Wait, what does the fact that I don't like anything about cooking have to do with this?

Not liking cooking, I suck at it. Prep, doing, clean up, every part of cooking is awful...except the eating. 

Going out in the evenings often involves yummy dinners out. But eating out contributes to less healthy food, portion challenges, and weight gain. As does being sad and eating emotions.

So sitting down each week to plan meals and inform the grocery-shopper (hubby) what is needed, is also a perfect time to plan how many nights will be in versus out.  Deciding who cooks what when, also informs whether ins and outs, social and solo, activity and rest are in balance. 

So there it is: my case for how and why meal planning is the 2016 resolution that will help me put my social calendar back in balance.

Wish me luck!

The Bare Bones of Gift Giving

Pics of the housewarming gifts for my ortho surgeon friend, gamer buddy, neighbor and proud new home owner.

I have been a lot sad as thoughtful gifts have been coming my way recently. 

I feel like I haven't been doing my normal, seeing-the-perfect-thing and buying it, all the year 'round; which has been my practice in the past. 

I realize the reason is threefold: 

One, I'm grieving. Sad and tired still, as six months have disappeared in a blur since my father's death.

Two, my strolling and shopping has been greatly reduced by my lack of tolerance for crowds of people and strangers, courtesy of the sads.

Three, when I have bought or created things, they have been for me, as an attempt at escapism (to forget for awhile), or consolation (to make myself feel better).

So for all my wonderful, amazing friends out there who haven't received cards or gifts or letters or trinkets this year: I am here. I still love you. 

Soon I will be back to finding gifts like these: fun, funny, perfectly (in)appropriate little things that remind me of you; how much I love you, miss you and carry you in my heart at all times.

Post-Event Depression

After my Dad's Memorial Dinner, I think I had a bad case of Post-Event Depression. I don't know if that's a thing, or if I made it up, but here's the idea:

Most people have heard about post-partum depression. I summarize it, unscientifically, and with no firsthand experience, like this:

A mother's body works so hard to create a baby, her mind works so hard to comprehend the work her body is doing, and her heart works so hard to grow big enough to unconditionally love a wholly defenseless human being, that once the kidlet is born, body, mind, and heart are utterly exhausted.

It doesn't happen to all women at the same level, and I hear that lots of hormones kick in, and help with preventing a total exhausted collapse...but some woman get really sad to be - comparatively quickly - separated from this really big, all-encompassing task of making a new human.

Or alternative theory: When hormones kicked in with the high of "I have a New Baby!" coming down off the euphoria wasn't far behind.

All of this makes perfect, logical sense to me. Which is why I believe in post-event depression too.

Anytime you pour your energy, heart, mind, and body, into an event, when it is done, there's a re-adjustment period. And that time can be hard.

When this is job-related, there's usually parallel activity, and/or yet another job to do up ahead, and perhaps that forestalls some of the letdown that the event is over.

Without something to turn to, or a way to return to 'normal;' Without a way to cleanse both the stress and elation reactions out of our bodies after a big event...there's bound to be some hormonal, emotional, mental kickback.

So if you've been working on a big event, be aware of this in advance. Plan for it if you can. Figure out how you can best reflect, celebrate and relish your amazing event...and then mourn, say goodbye, and return yourself to the present.

I find the re-setting really hard to do. Anyone else? Anyone have specific "re-set" suggestions?

Adventures in Dog Sitting

I'm pet sitting for a few days, and I decided to bring Dog 2 (names changed to protect the innocent) to my house for part of each day. This meant that I didn't have to make as many trips downtown while pet sitting. Besides, I live next door to the dog park! Perfect!

I may be reversing that decision. There's poison oak there. That means 2 dogs to wash instead of one. And, it turns out, Olieo is not ok with me paying attention to - aka washing - another dog. He butted in while I was washing Dog 2, getting himself (and me) all wet and muddy again. 

He nervously tries to follow Dog 2 all around the house, running back and forth to find me, as if to say, "HES STILL HERE!!!!!" It seriously interrupts my work to have him trying to get my attention all the time.

Dog 2 was not ok at the park, off-leash. He wandered off while I was throwing the stick for Olieo, and I "lost" him for a good -lifetime long- 10 minutes. Found him down a side path, being social with another owner, but he has lost his off-leash privilege. 

Dog 2 has the sweetest face, everyone takes him for a puppy. And he runs up to other dogs and dog owners, but then often starts barking at them. The, "Oh what a cute puppy! He's so adorable!" quickly turns into, "Geesh, control your dog, Lady..." Which I actually can't do. 

I always try to be the best caretaker to whomever I'm responsible for at the moment, but OMG is this a challenge!!! 

And I am going to sit here for a quiet, no-animal moment, and just be SO GRATEFUL for Olieo. For my brother's initial training, for my father's continued love and discipline of him, and for me having the presence of mind to explore, and find my boundaries.

I am NOT a dog person, and just having one amazing dog hasn't changed that. Dogs are stressful. Pets are stressful, and a big responsibility. Some are much less stressful...which is what makes me a cat person. I should stick to sitting and petting my kitty BFFFs...

EDITED: on the other hand, Dog 2 may be solar powered. He sat happily in the sunshine most of the afternoon. I am happy that he seems content at our home, and at ease with me.

How I See Myself

I've seen a lot of those interesting matrices of images go around FB, the one with a single topic from multiple perspectives. They always have a set of images that are contrasting and funny, "what my parents see," "what my friends see," "what I see."

I was giving that meme some thought today as I stood at the train station, because I finally have all of my watches back in working order, thanks to my awesome husband. And in this case, my watches, like so many of my clothes, are an external projection of my internal emotional or mental state.

It occurred to me, as it often does, to ponder the disconnect between how I see myself, and how the world sees me, which is the point - and the poignancy -of those memes.

So in that spirit, here is how I think most of the world sees me:

And here is how I see myself: