Bot Flash Back

While Googling my name the other day I came across the bio I posted to the BattleBots Builders Website as pretty much a joke:

Yvette Keller

Background
None Whatsoever. Oh-Kay, I make hats.
And wings out of wire.
I hang my own pictures with nails on the wall.
That's *really* it...

Two friends of my husband's were building a Bot and coming to CA to fight it. Since we "sponsored" their trip (crash space, and a car, and local fan base) they included us a members of the team.

Achievements
People are finally taking me seriously.

They asked us to construct bios for posting on the BattleBots site. In what universe I construed that as "taking me seriously" I'd like to know...

Goals
Goal: Have fun!
Expectation: cheer and laugh so much that
I shout myself hoarse.

Which was pretty cool at the time, and is now a really fascinating "time capsule" of my attitude towards things back in 200...???

Influence
Inspector gadget.
My (departed) cat, Cinnamon.

Yes, I really did dearly love the Inspector gadget cartoons when I was younger. I can clearly visualize watching them with my brother, and I get an elusive rush of cammaraderie and sibling affection. I can't explain the cat / Bot connection. Cinnamon's ashes are still with me in a little box marked "Cinnamon." The idea of this makes me giggle for a lot of reasons, but none that make sense in a Bot context...?

Family, Friends, School
My friends make wacky projects seem like a good idea.
Mark makes wacky projects seem do-able.
Mom can make any wacky project actually happen.

I think this is one of the truest things I've written.

Favorite Tool
Sewing Machine.

I am *so* out of this phase. After my wedding, I sewed nothing for 3 years. Only recently have I been trying to wean myself back onto the idea that sewing might not be pure torture. I'm only in it for the end product - not the process. I've learned that with creative stuff, it is actually much better to love the process than the product. I am hopefull that by practicing sewing I will be better and better...and that an increased skillset will result in decresed hysterical phone calls begging my saintly mother for help when it all comes out wrong...but realistically, I'm also letting it be "okay" for me to give up sewing forever. I don't believe that yet, but someday I might.

Inevitable Impulses

I'm pretty sure it started around 11am this morning. I had finished some mildly frustrating e-mail exchanges regarding complicated schedules...I started feeling hungry.

My 3-5PM appointment was the final session of a Time & Project management course. I opened the appointment, only to find that none of my attendees had accepted. Breathing deeply, reminding myself that these four employees were my customers, I walked around the office to make sure that the 4 students in my class were in fact, planning to attend. I felt hungrier.

I received the following unenthusiastic responses to my question: "Are you coming to our last class this afternoon?"
"What time?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"This is the LAST class, right?"

Prisoners. The lot of them. Oh, Joy.

And now I got back to my desk famished, wanting to cry, and wanting to eateateateateat, get out of the office and eat badly.

So I sat down at my desk and ate some lovely fruit salad. I barely noticed the rich, sweet fruit, because I was upset.

I tried to calm myself. I took deep breaths. I reminded myself that the food In The Gap was not supportive. I explained that while a walk or getting out of the office would probably make me feel better, eating would only SEEM to make me feel better. The fruit didn't feel good - too much acid on an empty stomach.

I decided to leave the office and call my husband...who was busy. Busy having a nice lunch, wherever he wanted, with buddies of his from former companies. And not able to talk to me; Help me overcome the sadness which translated into cravings for food "out."

So I went to the bank...to The Gap. I genuinely wanted to problem-solve a food situation that I did not have to prepare for myself. My lunch needed to be hot, novel and primarily vegetable-based (lower calorie). food options scrolled through my head:

Bagel sandwich (but the last one I had wasn't very good - not worth it)
Sushi (but that looks like it will take too long)
Starbucks (I almost fed my impulse with a green tea latte and a slice of lowfat mocha cake...but what kind of lunch is *that*?)

Finally I was going to leave, when the taqueria jalapeno menu caught my eye: Zucchini burrito. Rice, black beans, grilled zucchini and corn in a wheat tortilla. Mmmmmmmm. Pretty good compromise. Certainly better than many other choices. Now I could feel good about myself for making a good choice, even if I had to feel guilty and depressed about wanting to (and giving in to) eating out to begin with.

Back at the office, I sat at my desk, reviewing slides for my "doomed" class in a few hours. I ate half of the tortilla, a little more than half of the insides, and the small baggie of tortilla chips that came with it.

I started to feel full (What? ME? Full?!). I decided to wrap the other half of the burrito up and save it for later. I finished my "baby" diet coke and decided I needed water.

I know that this whole episode of boring details was a huge way to avoid how sad I felt about my class being "rejected." And me by association. The inevitable impulse to eat to find calm and relaxation and emotional balance is terribly, terribily obvious...But what was the alternative? Until I made the emotional pain (associated strongly with the hunger) go away, I was cognitively frantic - unable to focus on why I feel so rejected and unappreciated by my reluctant co-workers.

Is my impulse to eat what I "shouldn't" - foods that are un-supportive by virtue of their higher calories) - truly inevitable? Is there, in fact, a solid cognitive strategy for dealing with emotional eating?

I suppose the search continues. I hope I find out.

[It occurs to me to try bringing PowerGel to the office for occasions when this occurs. If I can recognize the emotional eating right away, as I did in this case, maybe the "frosting" association will help me get through it with fewer calories.]

My First 1/2 Marathon

Wanted to share a couple of meditations from my 1/2 marathon hike/run this weekend.

First, physical activity at that level engenders meditation / spaciousness / ponderance of the universe. Second, my course was incredibly beautiful: redwood forest, a tight dirt trail, thickly carpeted with leaves...and really tough: 1000ft+ elevation change, hiking straight up through the forest for nearly 2 hours, trying to keep up with a 15 minute mile pace. Third, after my walking partner had an energy spurt and ended up about 15 minutes ahead of me, it was silent except for the sound of my passage.

Out of all these things (and a cocktail mix of lovely bio-endorphins), came the following interesting and 'deep' revelations, walloping my consciousness with all the forcefullness of several consecutive brick walls:

'Extreme' exercise creates spaciousness. It forces a focus on the physical body: How am I feeling? What do I need RIGHT now? Where do I hurt? Where do I feel an intense relaxation? What are my emotions telling me about what I am doing?

Watching all of these things for hours at a time while I was alone with myself, made me deeply understand Jen's "Bit of Earth." The space allocated to me in this life is limited by the boundary of my skin, and it moves inward to my core from there. Nothing else in the world 'belongs' to me, and I can't 'take care' of anything else in the universe. I may effect things, but I can never own them - they are not my 'space.'

Given how very small 'my space' is, it should be a simple task to really Take Care of it. I congratulated myself over and over for choosing to do such a special, wonderful healthy thing, like get out and exercise my body, and feel how welcoming the forest, earth, and plants were.

The running through the woods on a smaller up-and-down-hill slope, was like all the best things a roller-coaster ride can be! I found myself throwing my arms up in the air and whooping with laughter and gargantuan breaths. It was hard to stop running, because the speed and joy of doing so was so exhilirating! The plants were cheering me on - grateful for all that CO2...

When I got tired or thirsty I had EVERYTHING I needed. Water, energy drinks, gels, treats - everything to tell my body and my mind that It and I was/were "O-Kay. No worries." It was an amazing experience to know I had completely taken care of myself and needed nothing else to
be sucessful.

When I came across other runners who had surpassed my pace early on, I had plenty of energy to make sure they were allright, and had brought enough supplies to be generous and offering of the things I did not need. I felt like the super-marathon-trail-mom: ready to bear a little extra weight in the hope that that could help others along my way. It was in my skin, my heart and my core being to notice when those I passed needed a smile, encouragement or just some calories! What a hero I was for several people who looked miserable - with no effort or sacrifice - entirely safely.

I've definitely been TIRED since the event, and almost disabling-ly sore...but again, immensely peaceful. Yesterday I'm sure I spent at least 2 hours with friends engaged in whole-body-belly-laughing about almost nothing. There was a wonderful, deep freedom of spirit to be gained by doing something 'unthinkable' to me - let alone 'undoable.' And now I've done it, and I feel like my very soul has grown new spaciousness for possibilities I have not even imagined yet.

Crushing Defeat from the Jaws of Victory

I've been facilitating that "Improvement team" again at work. Each week, I capture what was discussed and I send / post it to the team. In the team, I've been saying something over and over again for weeks. Each week, I draw and share my own conclusions about what we've discussed. I've been harping on one idea, one conclusion, but it never seemed to seep into the whole group-mindset.

Today, another team member stated the ONE THING I've been saying for several weeks. Everyone went, "Ahhh, yes, great idea. Let's do that."

I feel like complete crap. My emotional conclusions about this experience are the following:

1) I hate trusting group process. I hate waiting for everyone else to "catch up."
2) (As a result, I'm in the wrong line of work, but maybe we'll get back to that later)
3) I am a craptastic facilitator.
4) I am a worthless communicator, and in this instance, I have no idea why.

I did more writing about this to share with my Working with Ease cohort:

Working with Challenges – Process Window & 'Reporting to Yourself'

Happy Wednesday - Yvette Here. I don't know if I'm alone or not in the fact that I 100% "forgot" about our fieldwork. I know it happened somewhere between writing action items on my workbook last week, and today's e-mail with week 8 materials. Despite my login reminder to strive for One Thing; despite excellent intentions, and even specific ideas about what to present...I allowed the deliverable to slip away from the forefront in my mind (where it probably wreaked unconscious havoc and subliminal panic).

Needless to say, my reaction today was less than Easeful.

I immediately recognized that the meta-fieldwork had become an attempt to easefully integrate a less-than-ideal deliverable (the fieldwork) into my day and CHOOSE to handle it in as easeful a manner as possible.

First I had to have a conversation with myself and decide what my priority was. Should I do Ease-work, or Company-work? Could I combine both? Which would more critical for my success...immediately? Long Term? Which would support a higher-quality of work output?

I have chosen (and I have the luxury of choice) to give myself as much time as I need to easefully 'work through' the fieldwork, in this moment, within today's context. I feel unable to express a "presentation on working with challenges." For the present, I feel far too incompetent to draw any conclusions of my own, so I will share the following instead:

1) Challenge Case Study: Day in the Life of a Bored Drama Queen
2) An exercise called "Reporting to Yourself" which can be found at: http://www.thework.com/pdf/articles_21WaysEnglish.pdf

Please note that I'm trying this exercise out for the first time, and I heard of "The Work" for the first time 6 days ago. It is not "a resource" in the sense that I recommend it…I offer it only as a "sample."

One of my biggest challenges is remembering that "There is a better (easeful) way."

Another challenge is putting "life" into the same box as "work." Everything is SO MUCH WORK that of course I would forget little things...like living and working with Ease.

Athena’s coaching challenged me about thinking “WORKLIFE” into this big, hard, scary, dramatic, unending (unendurable) challenge, with an opposite of “fun.”

In my blog / journaling, I have pondered for myself what it means when a task is “effortless.” When work flows and just *is* without angst. Because writing and speaking are an effortless, easeful way for me to approach ideas and process my experiences, I offer them to you…probably in more words than necessary. At least I will have completed the fieldwork for myself. Given myself the time to gain perspective and completion. I feel better for having tried to get objective about what I saw happen versus what I felt happening.

* * * * *

Day in the Life of a Bored Drama Queen
I had an emotionally crippling work experience this morning. Today, a very simple thing “caught” me during a team meeting / facilitation: A suggestion I had offered to the group several times, in different ways, over the past 4 weeks, was offered by another team member, and immediately accepted.

My external reaction was to re-state the suggestion, confirm with the team that taking action was a unanimous decision, and call the meeting to a close. My internal reaction was to crumble into pieces – smashed by my own response of pain and anger and frustration:

Why did this conclusion take so long? Why did I have to endure the frustration of believing in this action for weeks while the team “caught up?” Why didn’t they react that way when I made the same suggestion? Why didn’t the team adopt this tactic when I mentioned it before? Why can’t they hear *ME*? Why am I communicating so badly? Why is ‘trusting the process’ so annoying? Why are my facilitation skills so bad that I am invested in the decision AND constantly wishing I could skip the process? Why have I been assigned to do this work when my reaction clearly indicates I am not competent?

I’m relieved by the outcome and at the same time angry that I will get no recognition for my contribution. That anger and frustration
means I’m obviously not suited for the job. The fact that they didn’t see the
merits of the option when I presented it must mean I can’t communicate well enough. The content captures and notes I spend so much time compiling confuse the team instead of clarifying. They make the task harder instead of easier. They impede the process instead of allowing it to follow a natural progression. Either that or it is actually *me* the team distrusts. Something personal or situational is preventing my message from reaching the team. What could THAT be?

Entirely In my head, I questioned my position and my abilities. I felt that I had done a terrible job of communicating, facilitating, capturing and supporting the team. I considered that perhaps I don’t have the skills, the strength or the competence to do my work in this area. I desperately churned through many possible scenarios for “fixing” myself, the group, the company, the process…and concluded that I believe no “fix” is possible at this time. I have to continue and see where this particular process will lead. I despise the waiting - I want to act and have it be over-and-done-with. It is all too easy to be in a demoralized, mournful and completely insecure place.

* * * * * *

The Exercise: Reporting to Yourself - This exercise can help in healing fear and terror. Practice reporting events to yourself as if a circumstance you find yourself in is actually a news story and you are the roving reporter. Announce exactly what your surroundings are and what's happening "on the scene" at that very moment. Fear is always the result of projecting a re-creation of the past into the now or the future. If you find yourself fearful, find the core belief and inquire: "Is it true that I need to be fearful in this situation? What is actually happening right now, physically? Where is my body (hands, arms, feet, legs, head)? What do I see (trees, walls, windows, sky)?" Impersonalizing our stories gives us an opportunity to look at circumstances more objectively, and choose our responses to what life brings. Living in our minds, believing our untrue thoughts, is a good way to scare ourselves to death, and it can appear in form as old age, cancer, degeneration, high blood pressure, etc.

NOTE: I didn’t even know about this activity this morning, so this is as if I was on the sidelines actually observing. I tried to imagine that the team was the new Iraqui Government. Boy, that helped!

* * * * * *
At 10:28AM PST in Sunnyvale, California, the WC Improvement Team decided unanimously to recommend that additional data be collected on customer needs. The team plans to present this recommendation in the form of a single PowerPoint slide. The slide is slated to include a graph of OTD to CRD for 2006, and a request for additional data. Also in the planning stages are five bullet-points providing recommendations for what data would be useful and how it might be collected.

All members of the team appeared visibly relieved by the outcome and plan.

The weekly team meeting began at 9:30AM with the opening question: “Are we telling marketing how to do their job?” The team had been expressly warned not to make direct recommendations for changes within the Marketing Department. Given the warning, the facilitator asked, “As a team seeking “improvement” in the area of meeting customer needs, what are we actually doing?”

Several team members shared divergent opinions: Yes, if we see an area for improvement in marketing ‘territory’, we are going to recommend that change. Another pointed out that having been the focus of previous recommendations, she felt that the team “sometimes came up with good ideas, while some just showed that the team was ignorant of ‘how things worked’ resulting in recommendations which could not be implemented.”

The debate culminated with a review of the team’s charter and a general consensus that the scope of “customer satisfaction” was so broad that yes, the team might have to make recommendations seen by some as intrusive. Team members agreed that the way to prevent defensiveness was to include the experts and get buy-in and input for the recommendations before making them.

The facilitator shifted the team to the second task: reviewing the content of slides that summarized team work and conclusions to date. Written responses had been submitted prior, expressing disagreement with the content of certain slides. The facilitator addressed each area of contention. At one point in the discussion, a team member asked the facilitator “Where did this information come from? Did you just make it up?” Looking shocked, the facilitator explained that the wording was content offered by a fellow team member, captured in the team notes from one week earlier.

Prior to making the decision, the team provided feedback about confusing elements of the slides. Headings were changed for clarification, re-ordering was suggested. Some information one member wanted to add was identified as existing in a location which seemed illogical to him. Positive feedback was offered for the format of the slides in contrast to previous attempts.

The facilitator sat at the head of the Red Conference Room table, hands alternately typing captures into a PowerPoint slide and making notes on a lined 8.5 x 11 notebook. Members of the team self-facilitated well, often inquiring of the quieter members, re-stating for understanding and making open efforts to respect team opinions and allow team mates to finish their sentences.

With only eight minutes remaining, dissatisfaction with the slide content prompted conversation about the usefulness of team debate, ideas-sharing and the prospect of quarter end and no foreseeable outcome. After one lengthy monologue on why the team process was a waste of time, especially with only three work-weeks remaining, the facilitator sharply stopped a team member to ask, “Wait one minute – what would that look like if it was not a waste of time? What would the ideal outcome be?” The response was that instead of trying to delve into or gather data which currently did not exist in the organization, perhaps the team should simply provide the data found and indicate a need for additional data – reiterating a suggestion made by the facilitator several weeks before. The suggestion was then unanimously accepted.

Appreciation

A few weeks ago a friend of mine wrote to me:

"So BTW... you know those little cards you made for us for your birthday tea? I had slipped mine into my purse before leaving and forgot about it. I was sitting here in my office last week cleaning my purse out before leaving for LA and found it again. I was just so touched by what you wrote that I have hung it up on my office bulletin board. Now when I'm feeling crappy at work, I just look at that and smile. It's hanging out right next to my stolen napkin from Bimbos. Your card and the naked lady riding the girly fish are bulletin board friends."

This made me feel *great* and I wrote this back:

"I always felt like I had the crappiest friends in the whole world when I was young. I vowed that I would learn how to be a “good” friend when I was older. I certainly didn’t manage that when I was in high-school; I made some great friends for a little while in college, but wasn’t able to keep them.

In the present day, I may not manage my friendships as well as I possibly could. The fact remains that the current set of peeps are the ones I hope to keep for the 50 years that remain to me in this lifetime! These days that means finding opportunities to say “Thank You” and be appreciative when they present themselves.

It feels like it took a really long time to figure out what that 5-year old at Disneyland reminded me of on my birthday: It actually does wonders to take the time to say, “Thank You. I think you’re cool. Friends Forever…?!?”

The exchange also prompted a very fine discussion with my husband about how we make intentional choices about who we are.

I would love to write the Disneyland 33rd Birthday story and say a little more about the conversation about how we learn to use empathy as a tool for persoective...maybe later.

Pride

I'm very proud of a few very odd things at the moment. They may not make sense without back-story, but I want to document them for myself:

1) Asking business questions
2) "Magnanimity" per the President of the company
3) Creating a very safe, open space for others to engage in conflict and clear agreements on a recent project
3) Keeping an extra pair of sweatpants in the car and knowing when to offer them to a friend
4) Recognizing that a litter-sweep makes an EXCELLENT bailing-can
5) Sharing the RIGHT information at the RIGHT time
6) Practicing my shy-Spanish
7) Eating an Apple

I probably don't give myself kudos and recognition as often as I should. Really, we should all do it more often, probably.

Poking People

My friend writes:

I've answered the Johari, but I cannot answer the Nohari because there aren't 6 words there which describe you.

What I can say is that I think our strengths are almost always also our weaknesses. So, I put down "organized" on Johari, which is your strength, but when flexibility is
needed, sticking to the plan would be a weakness.

I general, I find you to be a good friend, able to hold groups together, and interesting in knowing about yourself and others.

I think you are fine the way you are, and I am happy to know you.

Awwwww! I have rockin' friends! I also have WISE friends. I am very much drawn to this idea that our strengths and weaknesses are the same - let's run a test:

Loving / Needy - Yep
Organized / Inflexible - Yep (although I'm not convinced about the 1st part!)
Intelligent / Overdramatic....? (hmm. What's the opposite of intelligent? Naive?)

More to come I'm sure...

Rainy Monday

I was reading my friend Michael's blog and he did this cool exercise online called a Johari Window http://kevan.org/johari.

It is a pretty self-explanatory little tool that assesses how perceptions of self overlap or disconnect with perceptions of others. This may be a good way to explore that self/others disconnect that I am plagued by so often. I'll be sure to process how it turns out here.

(Several hours later)

Beware the Nohari...so let's say you open yourself up and say "Yo! Friends and family. What do you think my WORST personality traits are?"

And you get the list. And well, it's negative because, well, you're asking for the negative. And well, there aren't any mitigating factors...no "why" do you think this, or opportunity to discuss the level at which someone thinks your bad traits are showing themselves. The same people are saying the nicest mostest wonderfullest things about you on the Johari...but the negative is still there, and has some evidence, experience or perceptive validity behind it. And you have no context.

That's my current experience of the Johari / Nohari windows. I want context! Examples! Discussion. A list of forced-choice adjectives is only so useful.

Biggest Shocker so Far: My mother thinks I'm insensitive (!?!). I can only describe this as hilarious. My experience of interacting with my mother is that I always so hyper-conscious of her feelings, my feelings, and maintaining some distance from being consumed by our conflicting "stuff" that that I have to assume the resulting insensitivity of her must be a survival strategy. Probably combined with a honest dose of "not-getting-her" since she's solidly on the introvert side of the relationship wall.

Biggest "Uh-Huh" so Far: 100% of those surveyed find me "inflexible." I agree with that. I like schedules, plans, and boy, do I have opinions. Changing paths is very difficult for me. Changing habits is even harder. Not as hard as it is for some people I know, though...

Gay Cowboys

I saw Brokeback Mountain last night (yes, yes, - the last person on the planet to see it), and as the hours pass, it becomes increasingly obvious why the film was up for best picture.

Initial reactions keep washing over me...and I assume they will for days...because what is portrayed in the film is done so exquisitely that there is never a moment of fiction - of disbelief - of being taken "out" of the film.

There are few things that I reacted most strongly too - the things I feel actually made the movie:

1) The eye contact - the whole movie was about having it, or not. The entire story was literally expressed through who was able to look at whom and when. There is no experience like sitting and looking into a person's eyes. The way the main characters' eyes connected by physically holding each others' heads, and forcing that bonding to occur, was a testament to how badly they both wanted - and wanted to escape - the emotion overwhelming them.

2) The physical contact - my sexuality does not include violence beyond the standard grab, clench and hold. The brutality of the sex portrayed in the movie, and the masculinity - the literal fight of self and other those characters go through to be able to give in to physical intimacy...and then again, the physical pain, the inside-out beating the two men took from their longing to be together. These were in such stark contrast to the softness, and carefullness expressed in the sex scenes with women. It makes perfect sense to me that either kind of intimacy could be a turn on - and that having a partner who could hold their own - give and take the brutality in equal measure with tenderness...well, that is a need which was eloquently portrayed.

3) Lastly, we are so lucky to live where and WHEN we do. Yes, gays are beaten and hated in my lifetime. But not that I've faced personally. I've felt the fear of marching in a Pride Parade, but I've only ever marched with thousands of others around me, strength in numbers, to face down the people at the edges of the crowds, taunting and hating. The intense loneliness of the place and time and society was really the star of the movie.

Waiting, Waiting...

So, my blogger "hero" is waiting to hear about a job, and it FILLS his writing on his blog.

I'm waiting for my deep inner being to assert itself by leaping to the surface and commandeer all of my bodily functions with the sole intent of making choices that make TIME for my writing.
I've been writing - oh, yeah, have I. In e-mail to friends and in my thoughts, and while I've been sleeping...I've been updating this blog so regularly with both little vignettes and ideas for huge SF novels (like the one about the "death molecule" which I have intuited that there is probably a scientific basis for).

Instead of writing these things, I've been loading my social life as if it was a plate at a Vegas Buffet:

Sewing Dates, Running Dates, Parties (and more parties), Trips to visit my niece, Trips to Florida, Appointments with my husband to get chores done, Dinners and movies with friends, Beauty appointments to rip off unwanted hair, Shopping appointments to rip off good deals...all of which amounts to no words HERE.

But I got all of my holey and buttonless clothes fixed last night at sewing evening (yay!).
And tonight I get to cook and eat a healthy meal, followed by watching a movie I really wanted to see (Yeah! one Oscar winner!).
Besides tomorrow is another day, and I can always rest then....

Pshaw!

I wanted SO BADLY to write today...or at least paste all the other things I already wrote here and comment on them, but time slipped away....

Thin Veneer of Organization

My boss today said she was surprised that my taxes took me approximately 14 hours to complete last weekend. "You're so *oooorganiiiiized*...that surprises me." HA!

This relates to, um, my WHOLE FREAKING LIFE. I continue to have this very disturbing belief that what people see and experience from me is iteration after iteration of this thin veneer of organization. Or perhaps my facade of intelligence. Maybe a glaze of cheerfullness. A fleeting impression of confidence. [Hmm. No. That one is real. That is real confidence, and real trust in my own judgement.] Instead, what about a fleeting impression of discipline (yeah, I've actually been accused of that. Blew my mind).

I ponder all these things I seem to others, but would never attribute to myself. It makes me worry:

1) Do people really just not "get" me?
2) Am I the polar opposite of what they see, but I have been taught I can't behave that way, so instead I have become this little show?
3) Am I as cool as they think I am and so I should stop hampering my rise to greatness by dis-believing the compliments and positive attributions of others?

They did this wonderful study ('They" in this sentence being the cool social scientists psych students get to study) about the gender difference in attributing personal success or failure. It turns out that on an identical test, designed to be impossible to score high on, a failure to perform will be (correctly) attributed by men to the test or the external environment. Women will attribute their perceived failure internally to some lack of knowledge or personal performance. The inverse is also true: When women accomplish something they attribute the acheivement in balance with environmental factors, while Men tend to boost their egos.

This is the kind of research that sticks with me and blows me away. Is this related to the contemptible disbelief I feel when people accuse me of positivity?

I would NEVER describe myself as inherently happy; There is always something good externally, MAKING me happy. I would never describe myself as disciplined; I get help externally and find people to hold me accountable. I am not organized...not in my thinking, my writing, my accounting, my scheduling...Although, I am extremely happy with my closet. I was forced to get that way by sheer need to dress...in the same way I had to become organized enough to keep a job and do it tolerably well.

Is it that I am seeing the difference between the survival skills I've learned and what I consider my 'nature?' Why is this theme so re-occurring and worrisome to me.........?????

2 Days Behind...and Counting

Okay, now I'm 2 full days behind in my tarot pulls. Why is it that something so good for me is often so hard? I thought about pulling cards TWICE last night...and then didn't go make a teenie quiet space to just do it. Why, Why, WHY?!?!

Same question on the weight-loss front, right. I know WHAT to do, but the execution is lacking. Same issue on the business front too - I know what to do to make my CM business pay off...and yet, and yet....

My problem is certainly not unique. I see this all around me within the organization where I currently work. Is the problem that we have a plethora of other choices? Interrupts? Options? I mean, who 'invented' procrastination? Is it an inherent human quality?

Is there a CURE YET!?!?!

"When you know that all is Light...

...You are enlightened."

Who was the first person to put little sayings and phrases on tea bags? Irritatingly brilliant.

Irritating because sometimes I just want a cup of tea, not a flash of the metaphysical. But something about my personality compels me to actually read and ponder phrases such as the one above, when they confront me dangling by the cup handle....

Brilliant because sometimes a little "ponderous" is EXACTLY what I want - a flash of the metaphysical: A moment to ponder and enjoy thinking, "What does that mean - 'all is light'?" Can my boredom be 'light?' Can war and hate and poverty be 'light'? Can it be that easy to be enlightened, or, in addition to the pun, is the tea bag somehow mocking me....

Either way, the fact that there is a statement for consideration on the tea bag string (is there a technical term for the tab of paper at the end of a tea-bag-string?) causes a mental ellipses in the flow of a day. The consciousness will slow for a moment's recognition and decide whether to skip it, or linger there, but the opportunity - Ah! That is an achievement beyond the quality of the tea.

Nine of Cups

Wish Fullfillment
Satisfaction
Sensual Pleasure

I actually got a lot of things I wished for recently. I went on vacation with my husband (but I came home feeling horribly exhausted and pretty sick). I got to go to Disneyland before they changed the Pirates of the Caribbean ride (but I was cold, and wet, and my weight loss program was properly sabotaged by eating at Club 33). I finished the stack of books I got for Christmas (but none of them were particularly good reads). I still had a job when I came back to San Jose (but I'm still at the same JOB...ho hum).

I feel the opposite of this card - almost entirely UNsatisfied. I'm happy to be married, happy to have a home to come HOME to...but everything else just doesn't feel right....

Even sensual pleasure-wise I'm off kilter - suffering from bad allergies and strange hives on both sides of my neck. My eyes hurt just as they did when I came home from my trip to Santa Barbara in August. My nose is just plain out of comission, and I've given myself painful cuticle tears in three places. My ears are clogged and my mouth is recovering from a series of toungue burns from too-hot-tea.

What a mess. I think I'll go home now....

"What I Did on My Vacation"

I will provide the following book reports, since that is pretty much “What I did on my Vacation”:

Guy Gavriel Kay’s “Viking” Book (so unmemorable that I can’t remember the name and I read it less than a week ago) gets only 2 out of five bookworms. I didn’t care much about his characters. I don’t think the depth of antagonism between organized religion and the faerie kingdom was developed properly. This book would get even worse scoring if I wasn’t a fan who had read the other novels. At least three whole segments only had weight and interest because they were raised in other (better) books. His writing patterns and literary techniques are becoming decidedly predictable. I wanted to like this book SO MUCH…why couldn’t I?!?!?!

Game of Thrones is also only 2 bookworms. I’m going with: A rickety rollercoaster after a gluttonous Thanksgiving gorge. The book had so many jerky ups and downs that you are likely to start wondering why you paid for the ride in the first place (Then you remember it was a $3.99 stocking stuffer at Christmas – oh yeah). 300 pages of trying desperately to figure out the first safe spot to get off without caring how the damn thing ends. Also like a roller coaster, it turns out that the book has its own centripetal forces at work, and the story flings you along according to some law of physics that cannot be gainsaid. You are on until it comes to a complete stop, and THEN - *especially* then - you’ll wonder why you paid for the ride…

Lastly, I read some ‘real’ literature: On Beauty by Zadie Smith. Beautiful language and extremely interesting content – I laughed a lot and very much appreciated the writing about African American/Academic Culture. The book’s charm was in its sheer newness – I’ve read nothing like it, ever before. I had never met these characters, and every one of them was wholly real. It was filled with lots of academic conceptual ideas too, which was of interest, but I didn’t have time to engage with all of them…definitely a candidate for a re-read in front of the computer so that googling is possible. I loved Smith’s writing style, but the fact that it was ‘real’ lit became painfully obvious when the ending was unsatisfying. I was on vacation dammit! I didn’t want to work hard enough to extrapolate my own "What if.....?"

Frosted Neon Limes

That's what color my fingernails are today. If anyone who knows me is reading this, they're getting up off the floor in shock. I'm "conservative" in the colors, styles, fashions that go on or about my person.

But I'm leaving tomorrow on VACATION. And by Sunday afternoon, I'll be in HAWAII. But yesterday when I went to have my manicure and pedicure, all I could think about (besides how great Guy Gavriel Kay's new boook is) was that I had sort of failed to meet all of my own vacationexpectation.

By today I was hoping to be close to packed and ready to go. Paperwork and confirmation numbers tidily in a folder, with duplicate entries in my palm pilot. Itinerary sketched out, reservations for some SCUBA diving with my husband, a boat trip with our friend Larry, music time and chillin' time with my mentor, Susan.

It partly isn't my fault. I have caught a cold, and I do feel miserable. But a part of me thinks I caught the cold because I was stressing myself out.

While we are on vacation, I was really hoping to have some work done on our house. In order to have baseboards, doors and new moulding installed, we would have had to pick those things out in advance. Maybe even paint them. Pull all the furniture away from the walls so that the handyman could get to them. None of which happened.

I do feel like a failure, and even worse, I feel exhausted. I wonder if I had to try to set up all that stuff so that I could get THE MOST from my vacation? Or maybe to feel like I DESERVED the vacation? Naw. I think I'm just maniacally practical.

So when the manicurist yesterday said, "Hawaii? You should have something bright and fun," I picked a color that would match my bikini. but today, I look down and think, "Whose hands are *those*?!?!" The answer is spontaneous, unplanned, lively, relaxed, vacationing "me." I'm looking forward to meeting her.

Journalism Day!

On of the joys of my job at my small company is that I sometimes get asked to do things I really like - such as contribute to the employee newsletter. Today is all about that, and I realized that it would be a GREAT way to start the day if I gave myself those 10 free writing mintues to just blahblahblah and set the stage for being in writing and researching mode. 9:31am - go!

It occurs to me that the first things in my consciousness as I open up my brain to spewing about anything is Pain. I have a toothache in a midway tooth on my upper left jaw that has been coming and going. Really it is just a "sensitivity" but it definitely has better and worse days. Today it actually feels like PAIN. The dentist says that I have some gum recession back there and that the root is a bit exposed. He didn't think it was anything to worry about, but it really bugs me though.

I've also been having quite a lot of trouble with my left shoulder again. It is ridiculous to be under 35 and have nagging aches and pains, but boy, the left shoulder is sure one of mine. It seems any exercise using my arms or back extensively aggravates it. The pain is dull, and over the course of the day it feels like it seeps deeper and deeper into the structure of my body. The worst part of it is that the skin over the injured muscle or bursa or whatever gets hyper-sensitive...itchy or burning or untouchable with a sensation that I interpret as a pain message. It makes the tag on my tank top a misery.

Jeremy. When I wrote "no, no" Jeremy came to mind. I wonder if he actually is better off with Mark and I. Certainly he gets to see people more often, but I feel bad that I don't really have a "schedule" for him. We don't do training each night, or blow-jobs every Saturday - I wonder if cockatoos in the wild have a natural schedule? I mean is it like, "Ahh, sunshine! Time to spend 20 minutes calling to gather my flock! Now let's find breakfast! One more hour of breakfast! Anyone see a predator?! I'll take predator watch mid-morning! Wow, 11am already? Time for a nap. Lunch! Where's lunch? I need a good chew session - Let's head over to Godfrey's parents' house after lunch and pull siding off the walls - FUN! Wow, that took a lot out of me, maybe a bath. Sunshine and preening and nap - Wow, am I clean! Dinner time! Let's find a place to roost for the night. Ahh, sunshine! time to spend 20 minutes calling to gather my flock...."

My UN-natural schedule is to work 4 days a week, so that's what I should go do...

Feast Day

I'm going back to the famine weeks to see if any of the drafts I started have anything good that just never got posted.

I expect NUTHIN from myself this weekend, as I'll be holed up in the mountains, in a cabin with a buncha Christian Soccer moms playing with photos and making Volume II of New Zealand. It will either be fun, or a complete nightmare. Keeping an open mind, here....

175 lbs <78 lbs>

Exerpt from an e-mail to my health coach, just in case anyone out there needs to hear that they are not alone in their weight-loss challenges:

It was a BIG processing week this week. I spoke to my friend, who has weight management issues as well, and for awhile we were supporting each other with daily/weekly contact through e-mail and discussion group postings. She and her partner have split up recently and she has found herself re-living some terrible, crazy behaviors from a year ago. I shared my bagel whore story, and it opened up an opportunity for her to talk about and confront some very scary stuff.

I bring this up because listening to others often provides amazing perspective on our own challenges. Her issue was an overwhelming need to be eating in her car, on a long drive to a work site. This resulted in stops for French Fries. Then it became making excuses to leave the job site to go get junk food (potentially impacting her work). She said she could tell from the behaviors that it was truly addiction behavior - she was stopping at nothing, risking her work, in some cases her safety while driving, for that "fix" of junk food because she truly was in a place of "I will die if I don't have....." Wow. So glad that is not me.

On the other hand, I was not "strong" enough yesterday to actually do only Fruits/Veggies as planned at lunch. I probably ate 4-5 cups (two bowls full) of shredded cabbage, onion, carrot, mushrooms, spinach, water chestnuts, those crispy bean sprouts. I added only drizzles of hot oil - mostly soy, teriyaki, ginger and honey water sauces. I had eaten 3/4 of it, and my co-worker went back for another plate (hate all-you-can-eat places!).

I felt just as overwhelming a compulsion to not sit with an empty plate and watch him eat! I just couldn't do it. Did I stop and ask myself WHY I couldn't do it? Whether I would DIE if I had to watch him eat while I had no food...no, instead I went to the area with side-dishes, and got 1c of rice to soak up the sauce, and be "filler." Even though not 1/2 hour before, I had committed to ONLY Vegs, I still couldn't do it in-the-moment. Not that much different in behavior, only in scale.

I was so glad I could help my friend with support, and some of that is just talking through things to become more aware of them. I shared about how I am the same way with travel/transition and dealing with situations where I KNOW I don't want to be there. I ALWAYS have problems in those areas. So I drink shakes in my car, I carry fruit at all times, bars, water....I have a Ziploc bag full of teas and sweetener that I think has been in my backpack, traveling EVERYWHERE with me since 2001. I don't ever want to be desperate.

And I want to continue to see things like the fact that stress makes my stomach go all acidy and upset and my instinct is to soothe it (and the emotions) by getting relaxed - eating more, starchy, and nap-inducing food. And um, I feel like I *should* know this, but I honestly don't: What is the medically correct response to that situation (besides breathing and taking a walk to relieve the stress)?

My success was doing a HUGE food prep night last night, even though I was exhausted. Da hubby helped me cut up approximately 10c of oranges. I made a tuna salad with 2 hardboiled eggs, celery, relish, low cal mayo, mustard and a drizzle of nonfat honey mustard dressing. This got mixed in with 6c of raw spinach and put into 2 containers, one for lunch, one for dinner. I also made 6c of jicama/cuc salad with fresh mint and yogurt. This is all in the cooler, in my car, so that I KNOW I have wonderful SAFE food to break out of the environment and the "just one more" bad thing cycle. At the end of the night I was exhausted, but it will be SO worth it if I can use those things to control the calories.

Dollar short

Huh. Here it is a day later and I definitely feel a dollar short on what I needed to get OUT. The concept of beauty still haunts - what is beautiful? but deeper than that is the question of why it even occurs to me to ponder it. I want to be beautiful. I want others to think I am beautiful. It is beyond vanity, though I admit there is that - When you've worked hard to lose weight and have a healthier body and lifestyle, the rewards are important.

But I also want the special treatment, like being asked to dance, having people smile at me, be nice to me, give me attention and want to be around me...all those things come with 'pretty.' It would be denial to say they didn't. It would be denying reality.

Reality is also guys you don't know checking you out from across the room. And maintenence (Hair, clothes, makeup..things I have in the past cared absolutely nothing for). Sometimes those things are VERY fun, and some days I can get by without them...but I feel like it is a losing battle in the long run.

Reality is also feeling good about the "belle of the ball" syndrome. I don't feel like a 'piece of meat' when I'm English Country dancing with friends or strangers. But I do feel like my (relative) youth and good looks and energy are extremely appreciated in the community. Everyone is glad to see me and always kind and complimentary. It feels good...but it is a lot of attention too.

I don't know if 'pretty' can in fact be something that just *IS* Like Twelve Oaks - I would be so happy to be something graceful and beautiful that wants only to be loved - to make others happy. I don't want them to necessarily impact me, interract with me or have the 'pretty' inspire or compel them to interfere. I like the idea of manifesting the spirit of dancing and the 'ideal' of it...without having to be responsible for it. And there's the BUT. I knew it was there, and I didn't know what it was. If you're beautiful or even pretty, what's your responsibility? Do you have to maintain it at the level others expect? Do you have to be nicer, kinder, gentler, more forgiving and loving (like Melanie Hamilton?). I guess I always feel I fall so far short of that ideal...and I don't even want it really...the same way I don't want "dangerous beauty" or "cruel intentions" or any of the other possible power-abusing shades of beauty.

Hmmmmm.....time's up.

Setback II

And again, she falls and barely recovers....
I have not written anything here since 1/12 - 21 days ago. Luckily, I didn't completely turn off my brain for that time...I just stopped writing about all the things I was thinking about. I also stopped pulling Tarot cards. A good example of how I truly need a catalyst of some kind to spur on the behavior of writing...if not the thoughts and the function.

In a synchronous turn of events, after discussing my lapse with my hubband on our drive to work this morning, my blog-hero was writing about trying out yet another blogger's "10 minutes" of blog freedom writing. No story, plot, editing - just freestyle thoughts. Hey...I do that all the time...?! You mean there's some OTHER way to write?

So seriously, here's my 10 - 12 minutes of spewage just for myself:

Beauty - pondering beauty, mine and the worlds. The following elements have not yet melded, but they all have SOMETHING to do with the thougths and feelings I'm working through:
Followed by the eyes of men
Old High School buddy buddy I haven't seen in 15 years saying "You look terrific."
Melanie Hamilton from GWTW: 12 oaks is more than a house - it is a whole world that wants only to be graceful and beautiful
More and less desirable dance partners
[This is literally where the front desk break ended, and I have no idea how long it took to write to this bit. Wish I typed faster]

New Habits...

Are EASY to break. Aint that the truth. Hello, bloggie! Sorry I've been neglecting you on my little vacations. No food, no water, no love. I suppose the irony is that when I neglect my blog I actually neglect my own internal dialog...and it isn't like THAT takes a vacation.

I have no tarot compass...

(2/3) ...and I never even finished this post. Now i will NEVER KNOW what I wanted to say. How SAD.

Knight of Pentacles

A note to my dietician / food coach today:

I’m in a very strange mood today and it is definitely affecting my food intake. I’m all moody – felt like crying TWICE this am listening to the radio before I even left my bedroom - and I appear to be having an allergy attack on top of that (I do NOT have adult onset allergies!). I am finally feeling awake enough to function (at 3PM?!). My body feels like it was on strike after the two-hour bellydance class last night that I went to pre-exhausted.

I feel like someone else, and on top of that it is a VERY bad hair day…

I’ve been surviving on caffeine as a result…3 cups of black tea with nonfat milk, my morning shake and then HMR double-shake oatmeal for something warm and comforting. Banana and carrots and (soon) an apple and oranges as snacks. I have 2 pre-made shakes on hand…I may even go and warm up the chocolate one so that it will be soothing and comforting…wonder if the vanilla one would be good hot…hmmmmm. I was craving BBQ chicken or lasagna but didn’t have either one here. I may eat a soybean chili with corn (a favorite) but can’t decide – which my old coach used to say meant for her that she wasn’t REALLY hungry – just head hungry.

Anyway, I think my point is that the additive EC – having supportive food constantly in my environment - is going to continue to be a fundamental and critical strategy. I think I’ll go for a quick walk…but it is SO COLD OUT THERE…

I know that all those struggling with weight must have days like this. Girlie hormone fluctuations do not help at all either. The alternative is to be ignorant of these emotional highs and lows - let them control me instead of me controlling them.

Interestingly enough, the KnOP has something to say about control and struggles. He takes them head on, with a somewhat pessimistic, if stubborn attitude. I am going to take this card as a reminder to me that I need to remain stubborn in my pursuit of healthy life habits. For right now that means being in a supportive weight management program, and being committeed to the program itself.

The knight is also there to help me see the improvement project I've been working on through to the bitter end. And I feel that it will be bitter. Despite this, I need to buckle down, complete the process, write this report and move on to a 'New Day' in my career here. It is time to be finished with this project and move to the next thing - in that way I cannot agree with the knight - it is imperative that I be able to change and move to something fresh and new.

The Chariot

The Tower

Three of Cups

Excellent portent for my friends' moving day!

Seven of Pentacles - Reversed

Queen of Cups - Reversed

The Magician - reversed

Report Done! Like Magic...!

Five of Swords

Welcome back to Reality. I did something fun just now - I googled ancient history. Well, I googld someone I knew from High School. Why? Well, why not? I wonder a lot about people I was close to...for years, or even a moment. I wonder about them because I wonder about ME. As I grow and change and develop my perspective changes, and more than that - I long to see and understand the perspectives of others who interracted with me.

It isn't about sex. Really. Several years ago, before I met me husband, yeah, that could have been what it was about, but now, not so much. I'm genuinely interested in knowing "Where are they now."

In fact, the more I thought about this, the more I liked the idea. I like the idea of an arch of time - a story that covers an arch of time that is 50% ideas about sex as a character develops and the other 50% about the actual experience of sex after you've had it. I probably should NOT post this on my blog - since then anybody (nobody) reading this can steal my idea (which I'll probably never do anything with anyway).

Birthdays & Bad Moods

Happy Birthday JN! Happy Birthday, Dad!

Okay, I've just used up all happy I had for the day. I'm in an excruciatingly bad mood today. It came on me all of a sudden. It physically hurts...or else the physically hurting (woke up with swollen lymph nodes and a nasty sore throat) is in a nasty reinforcing cycle with the mood. Both are getting worse and worse by the minute.

I was fine while I was in bed, laughing and joking with my husband, but the downward spiral started as soon as I walked in the door. I'm the receptionist, and I don't want to talk to anybody.

I can count on one hand the number of times before my 32nd birthday when I really DID NOT want to be around people and celebrating. These days though, that seems to be everyday.

Curling up in a ball, in my bed, reading a book sounds ideal. Working on my photos, listening to the radio, sounds delightful. Even couch potatoing with a few episodes of Buffy would be better than my current plan for Christmas Day: Playing games, trying to resist a big, delicious meal and spending time with three other couples...exhausting.

Where did the lively Yvette Go? Maybe I'm just needing to hibernate like a little grizzly bear in order to maintain my sunny disposition. I'd LOVE to go to sleep for a few months and lose half my bodyweight too...but that's probably not an option.

I don't strictly feel depressed - I feel angry. A sort of general, malaise angry about my inability to say no (and mean no). I don't want to turn down invitations and face loneliness on the holiday. I don't want to know my friends are having fun, and that maybe, if I was with them, I'd be having fun too.

Maybe I should've jumped a plane to see my niece. How can you be angry around a cute baby girl...Naw, there would have been LOTS of other things to be angry about there.

What I want most to do is sleep. I'm planning to go home after I'm relived at noon time and do just that.

Maintenance Day 1

Here I am in maintenance - Day 1. Scary. Yeah, really scary. I had to share the body today with the Bagel Whore - and now my stomach feels overfull and kinda yuck. Overfull? *my* stomach? I didn't think it was possible....!!!

Since I don't have an official class to go to and use as a focus, I need to get back on my own, home-made weight crusade. So I decided to spend some time reading Thin for Life just now and I hope to do more of that each day.

What I just read was about emotional eating (and overeating). With two sets of grandparents who dealt with alcohol issues and two parents who were smokers, the "addiction" cards are stacked against me. In addition, the survival behaviors that have been modeled to me are based on a lot of denial, depression and conflict avoidance. With a history like that, I really need to give myself a break about the fact that my food addiction is real, and will always be a part of my life.

Fasting is the opportunity I need, every so often (perhaps even once a week, I'll wait and see), to STOP and look at my relationship with food. Am I using it as an escape from my emotions? Am I using it to avoid confronting and managing the 'real' world?

Thin for life suggests identifying food 'triggers' as a good start. I know I eat when I'm bored. I know I eat to procrastinate. I know I eat to relax and manage anxiety that otherwise just stays with me.

I also eat because food is THERE. This is one of the biggest truths I know from my program - if food is in the environment, for whatever reason, I will eat it. And I CAN'T. I need to fix the relationship with food if I want to maintain a weight that is healthy. And I need to have help. And I need to COOK. So many things to learn to do just to take care of ourselves!

Today was day 1. I don't have a specific plan for today, which is probably why the BAGEL WHORE was unleashed. I even forgot to plan for not letting her out of her cage - even though I knew there would be bagels in the building.

I didn't know there would be baskets and baskets of holiday baked goods, however. So much stacked against me....

How can I stay away from food in my path? How can I look at tempting sweets and NOT put them in my mouth. I told the Ops Director, whose wife made and sent the piles of sweets, that she must hate me. Anyone who offers me food is doing so out of generosity and kindness and sharing...and it is POISON TO ME!

Really it is poison for the whole culture and everyone in it. It is the poison of ideas: The idea that food is love; that food is a gift; that food should be shared; that food is social; that food is disposable and can be taken for granted.

I don't need the free food. I need to appreciate the beauty of the gift - the time and energy it took to create it without letting any additional calories go into my body. But the VISUAL of food is so seductive. It is beautiful and would both taste and feel good as it was eaten.

Perhaps the Catholics have a point - focusing on food too much should be one of the seven deadly sins. 'Gluttony' can certainly be powerful enough to rule your life if you let it. Ruin your health if you let it. Become an obessive and unhealthy problem...if you let it.

I won't let it. That's all there is too it.

King of Wands

CREATIVE INSPIRING FORCEFUL CHARISMATIC BOLD

Words for the King of Wands - Words for today. This card doesn't reflect my 'now' very well, but perhaps my near-future. Today I am actually unbelievably tired, in some pain, low on sleep, sliding into old, bad food habits...not ANY of the things respresented by the King of wands.

Hopefully things will turn around soon. Sleeeeeep. Neeeeeeed Sleeeeeeeeep.
Yvette

Two of Pentacles

Today's card is a new one for me: Two of Pentacles. In the card's spirit of FUN I decided to try to include the image here in my blog...it worked!

Now I should do some research on the right and wrong ways to credit the people and places that images and content are stolen from, since what I am doing is using http://learntarot.com/p2.htm.

Maybe for a day when I pull a justice card...

For today, I got to look back (after an evening draw) on JUGGLING things and being FLEXIBLE. Today was the first day of my week-long stint of four hours each day at my "Highest Paid Receptionist" job. Boy is it a juggling act. Incoming calls, my own "work" to try and do from a remote [SLOW!] system, and about a million things going on.

I also spent a lot of time pondering flexibility. Q4 is at an end, and my "project" should be over. As I struggled frantically with my juggling, I began to take seriously the idea of other possibilities. The joker in the picture can change feet, switch sides...maybe he can even flag down that boat in the background and take on a new life entirely.

I think this is poignant when I realize that I was dreading and refusing to consider an option which to me constituted failure: admitting that the team could not complete its work in one quarter. I was encouraged to do this by a fellow team member, and others agreed.

I am not-so-secretly relieved. I have been able to relax as just the 'receptionist' and not be resentful of the role-shift.

I am still worried that I will be held responsible - that it is my "fault" that the team was unable to complete the work. I feel that way because I DID a lot of the work...way more than I would have liked. So I feel that I did indeed fail my team and my company by allowing the project to be delayed. It is reasonable to feel this way. There is so much more I could have done...AND, it would not have been a group effort then. It would have been all-about-me. Not the point at all.

I'm not sure how to move forward with my decision. I feel I have failed, yet the work still has to get done. I do not feel EXTRA pressure to complete it...instead I want to just toss the whole thing.

I said "Yes"

Today is also the day that I told my husband I would marry him. December 15th, 2001. He sent me the sweetest reminder in the afternoon. It is amazing that he still thinks I'm the "bestest" thing that ever happened to him - his little apple icard made me all teary...

Some days it is hard to imagine that we have been together for more than five years. Other days I have a hard time remembering what life was like before him. (That's not true. I remember. It sucked.)

It is so easy to feel alone in this world. It is so powerful when you find a fellow human with whom you can bond. As we talk about exciting and intimate topics like, life insurance - oooh, baby - I really do understand why widows and widowers often die after their spouses - or wish they could.

When anything happens to my husband, I hurt. If he was suddenly gone tomorrow, I think Iwould be an emotional quadraplegic - I would be able to think and technically be alive, but there would be no connection to the loving function of my heart.

Six of Wands

Today is a big day. Today I generate the report that a handfull of folks have been working toward (and an equal number of people have been working against) for three months. We've been collecting data and drawing conslusions in line with our opinions. I'd like that last word to be "observations" but in good conscience, I'm not sure that is the case.

The Six of Wands is telling me that all the glory, acclaim and come-uppance are due for the hard work and angst poured in over the last 3 months. Today I have the task of summarizing and writing the report itself. Shouldn't be hard. I have a template to follow from last quarter. The task is writing, which I enjoy...which is...'effortless,' right?

Not so much. I came in and didn't get right to work. I did some reading, replied to some personal e-mails, worried a bit over some of the remaining, missing data...procrastinated. and I'm still doing it. Covering the front desk, writing in my blog - logging all the past missed days of no writing and projecting out my cards for the next few days as the season gets busier and busier. Is this an attempt to shorten my day, reduce the time I have...just in case I can't get the task done today. There's always tomorrow. And well, they don't need me for anything else .

I don't actually think the recognition is coming - I fear the opposite...retribution. I do honestly want to be helpful and support improvement within my company. I just wonder if I/the team have the ability - the knowledge to actually do that.

Ten of Pentacles

I'm often astonished at the sublime synchronicity of cards and days:

enjoying affluence
having material abundance
being free from money problems
enjoying business success
feeling financially secure
seeing your ventures flourish
having a run of good fortune

Hmmm. Let's see, I had a conversation (while having a manicure, how appropriate is that?) about how I'm in a place where I do not worry about money. Can't actually tell you what my bank balance is, and have very little worry that when I check it (which I don't do regularly) it will be lower than expected. As a result, I sent what most of my immediate family most wanted as gifts this year - money. Now they all think I'm rich...and I am. I can have what I want, when I want it. I can just say "make it so" and there's a BIG mirror in my bathroom, placed there by the handyman. Please take care of this, and a gardener friend shows up to prune for winter. Only the truly affluent can do that without worrying about the long-term affects. And I admit it. It feels great. Yesterday I was very consious of this.

seeking permanence
looking for a solution that will last
creating a lasting foundation
feeling secure as things are
being concerned with the long-term
having an orderly family life
moving beyond makeshift arrangements
nailing down the plan

Yesterday I shared with my "in the know" supervisor that I'm plannning to stay with my company for at least another year. Sometime over the past fefw days I made that decision: I *like* working 32 hours a week. I don't mind filling in as the receptionist. I *like* the security, even if I do miss the challenge. I can see some new, fun and different things filtering towards me, and I am ready to meet the challenges. I like having rapids only every few miles of a lazy river. And that is my golden opportunity here in my current job. A lazy river. Good pay, good benefits, good relationships. Good work-life balance. I can focus on improving my skills. I can focus on development for myself and the company. I realize this as I walk into my house, decorated for the holidays, with gifts under a 'Soltice' Tree. I am safe, secure and comfortable. I do not HAVE to change. It is my choice, and right now, I'm pretty cozy.

following convention
staying within established guidelines
proceeding according to the rules
taking part in traditions
becoming part of the Establishment
being conservative
trusting in the tried-and-true
continuing in known patterns

I sent Christmas gifts, even though I am not a "Christian." I do it because it is expected of me, and I am therefore choosing to express my appreciation for my hubby's family only at the time of the year that they find it acceptable to do so. So be it. It is a tradition, and I don't mind being part of the establishment...there is always the opportunity for subversion!

Four of Pentacles - reversed

The Four of Pentacles is already my friend - I see him whenever I've got that hoarding feeling.

Right now I have that feeling about time, weight management and money. Perhaps because I've been doing the gift thing - for myself as well as my family, I worry that money will suddenly be tight. Nevertheless, I forge ahead with home projects (I'll have a REAL mirror in my hall bath soon!), manicures and all the little things that make life feel good to me.

Another possible meaning is to block energy or progress, or fall back on the status quo. Tuesday was not a very move-and-shake day, that is true - the biggest thing I did was figure out (on my own) how to take advantage of some of my ad hoc reporting infrastructure.

All the data I found and was so gloriously happy about...then suspicious of...did turn out this week to be bunk. There is not a problem, and the dollar amounts I was seeing were ghosts of what might happen if our shipping volume dipped down below the deep, deep discount mark.

So, in a sense, I had to come to terms with the fact that the staus quo is correct - my company does not have a problem. An emotional letdown perhaps, as I was so glad to just be able to pull hard-data...but a GOOD THING for the company, nevertheless!

Wheel of Fortune

Spinning, spinning...The office is emptying. There is a funeral today. I believe it is indicative of our company culture that many, many people are going to a memorial service. It makes me ponder my relationship to the deceased, my relationship to all my co-workers and my perception of my workplace. [No, no pondering of death today - this was not an unexpected or traumatic death; "Just" a smoker].

I didn't expect so many people to be trickling out of the building. Men who generally wear T-shirts emblazoned with 'WTF?' arrived in dark suits and silk ties. Most wore black, though the supervisor of the deceased wore hot pink plastic hibiscus in her hair, a lei of shells, and a Hawaiian print skirt. Though she was close to her employee, and has been most directly affected by the loss, her clothing expresses celebration of life instead of mourning a death - Kudos for her!

And what about me? Why does this make me ponder my company culture? I can't imagine going to a funeral for a co-worker. I have a few co-workers that I consider friends as well - I would go to their funerals. But at what point (and what would be the point?) do you attend just to be off work for a few hours?

None. Nobody leaves work early because a funeral is better than working. Certainly none of the people I have seen pass through, headed into a cold and grey evening, appeared to be thinking "Woo-hoo! A Vacation!"

Which leads to the company culture. So why are they going? Were they close to their co-worker? Were there personal relationships under the surface? I suspect that in some cases, yes, but most cases, no...so why go?

It almost begs the question, why EVER go to a funeral?
Say Goodbye
Show Respect
Support the Survivors
Confront Mortality
Familial and Peer Pressure

And I think that it is the last item on this list which is revealing about the company. We act in so many ways like family. In some families, you are not allowed to skip the funeral of Great Aunt Ginny, even though you had not spent five minutes in her prescence since you were three. This company is one of those families.

While at some level, it is gratifying to know that my funeral would be well-attended were I to kick the bucket tomorrow, on another level, what function do a lot of strangers have cluttering the pews and nibbling the canapes?

Truly the only answer I can come up with is one I got from fiction, and in particular from the film The Great Gatsby. Thousands of people flocked to Gatsby's parties, yet no one but the narrator, Nick, and Gatsby's father are in attendance at the funeral. What a sad scene. To be mourned and remembered by no one. To have made no impact at all in the world.

I can understand that several dozen people, driving through the cold, willing to sing hymns, or speak about memories (fond or bland), would be a huge comfort to a family who has lost a loved one. The reason comes down to community. By rituals such as marriages and funerals are communities created and supported. Its a nice reason to go. Almost enough to make me wish I had. A selfless gesture.

So why didn't I?

A co-worker whose funeral I definitely WOULD attend was just on his way out, and expressed surprise that I had not chosen to go.
"I would go to YOUR funeral" I said, "but why would I go to the funeral of someone I didn't really know? I have been writing about this," I told him, "and all I can figure out is that it is peer pressure of a particularly familiar nature." He agreed, and added: "Resist Peer Pressure."
"Why didn't YOU go?" I challenged.
"I have quality of life issues," he replied. "In some cases (in this case) death is the best thing possible, but you cannot have that conversation with people at times when it would just make them more upset."

With that, he left the building, and bid me goodnight.

Knight of Wands

Knights are 'take charge' energy, and Friday I was certainly in a mood that was sympathetic to my card. Somewhat sadly, what I took charge of was holiday shopping, not so much what I get paid for. These little non-PTO holidays leave me guilty and paranoid, but I justify them as necessary breaks. A side effect of the modern worker. The worker without a 'product,' the worker who simply moves information around for a living.

Death and Holidays

I sent the following to a friend today:

Two great things that go great….oh, no wait. That’s not right.
Things you can be sure of?
Things that makes us grateful for our loved ones. Yeah, we’ll go with dat.

Hiya! I’ve been getting big ol’ hits’ the past few weeks and wanting to write to you, but not making the time to do it. My husband even said I should send an e-mail, and well, I can’t take that sort of thing from *him*. We would be talking about the sort of role reversal leading to equitable pay for men and woman, racial harmony and, no doubt, the end of the world Buffy style.

Well, holidays are coming, which makes me think of the people I would WANT to spend time with if I could…and you’re on that list. Then the death of an employee in our company was announced, and I talked to my brother about the nasty surgery that my poor little niece (who is 1 year old today) has to have in January. Life is just messy, and well, that makes me think of you too, for several different reasons.

I wanted to let you in on a new secret of mine: http://aspirationmachine.blogspot.com/
I’ve told only a handful of people I love and trust about it, because, well, it is just raw spewage. I figure it does give any folks who get ‘Yvette hits’ a chance to check in with me virtually and see what spaces I’ve been in before they commit to actual contact (which can be scary at times). I’m loosely stringing entries out on the thread of daily tarot card pulls which are as good a lens through which to look at life as any other I’ve tried. It has greatly improved my mood and confidence and I just Luuuuuuuv to write. Even if it is all trash, I like the process, and practice makes perfect. Well, really EDITING makes perfect, and that is so anti-blog, but I do practice
that too.

A reason I’ve been thinking of you is that I’ve been doing a lot of jewelry designing. An artist I met who is also a belly dancer owns a company called Beadzilla (http://beadzilla.com/). She makes LOVELY things, and does custom work with clients. I go beading, or look at my jewelry and think “I am NEVER going to wear this as-is” and I sit in her home, take it apart, look at her massive inventory, choose things, re-lay them out, and tell her how I’d like it constructed…and then she puts it all together. It is a dream come true…I don’t have to do any of the construction or learn how to manage the fiddly bits! I have designed a number of really lovely sets that I am enjoying wearing and receiving compliments on, and I can’t wait to have Mr. B take some photos to send to you.

So, that’s what’s up with me. It was great to hang out in April – always leaves me wanting more, so hopefully we can figure out how, when, where to make that happen. There’s always the possibility of a Michigan trip in early fall. I’d like to go back to the Cherry Republic, climb the sand dunes and see some of the UP at some point!

Most of all I hope that you are healthy, happy and enjoying
life.

Writing to friends and blogging look and feel much the same - which is kind of ridiculous, given that no one is actually reading the blog, except maybe the friends I would otherwise write to personally, instead of impersonally. So what does THAT mean?

The Emperor - Reversed

I feel pretty blase today. I sat in my car for 15 minutes after I arrived at work. Even though it made me technically 'late,' I could not handle getting out and going in. It was easier to be in the warmth, passively listening to the news. After I sat at my desk and realized I had no sense of urgency for any of my overwhelming pile of mind-numbing data collection and analysis tasks, I wondered what this had to do with The Emperor - reversed or not:

The Emperor represents structure, order and regulation - forces to balance the free-flowing, lavish abundance of the Empress. He advocates a four-square world where trains are on time, games are played by rules, and commanding officers are respected. In chaotic situations, the Emperor can indicate the need for organization. Loose ends should be tied up, and wayward elements, harnessed. In situations that are already over-controlled, he suggests the confining effect of those constraints.

Hmmm. Well, it seems that the card is reinforcing my tasks for the day:
1) Complete documenting the data
2) Review and start summarising
3) Analyze and understand
4) Draw conclusions

In my home life, I'm also sad and floundering about the HOW and WHY of the things I would like to have happen. It is the holiday season, and we are not traveling or being with family. I'm happy about this, as my family most often makes me crazy...on the other hand, I don't get the advantage of having a Christmas tree without the labor of putting it up myself - or a Christmas Dinner without some research in The Joy of Cooking.

We have the opportunity to be with friends, but I am somehow loathe to commit to the environment. Not feeling very friendly I suppose. I want to be with a different set of people - the ones that I am far from - instead of those close by. Those who (at the moment) I sense truly love and appreciate me - not the ones who live a few blocks away and never call.

I want a Christmas Tree, and presents, and decorations in my house. In general I'm fighting a 'move and change everything!' nesting vibe that has hit me rather suddenly.

All this chaos in my head makes me feel tired despite a good solid night of dreamy sleep. Makes me feel lonely despite the warm, laughing love of my husband. I feel mired, and I suppose The Emperor is telling me (like my own superego) to suck it up; Get organized, so that the energy can flow naturally instead of sinking...and taking me emotionally down with it.

Ace of Wands

A reocurring card, that's for sure. This is the card about creativity and new ways of doing things. I'm not in a very enthusiastic mood, but I did get a chance to talk to a friend who is.

After my interview at the company I didn't want to work for last week, I told them to give a call to a friend and previous colleague. Whether it was the strength of my interview skills or just because they planned to do it anyway, an hour later, she got a call and an interview! Hearing her enthusiasm for the job, and knowing that she is certainly a better match than I am, reinforced this idea that we can all act in the world in a creative way and with good intentions.

I've been wanting this colleague to succeed professionally for a long time. It is probably extremely unusual to provide a "competitor's" resume at the end of a job interview. Nevertheless, this action was about a different way of thinking about jobs. I considered what might be best for the company I was interviewing with. I called my friend and got her resume.

I went to my own interview, prepared to recommend her if I felt the job did not suit me, but might suit her. It was not a comfortable thing to do, but I felt I really had nothing to lose. The Ace of wands is also about Confidence and Courage - I had to trust that things would work out. I don't believe they would have - the recommendation would not have been taken at face value - if I had not done all of these things selflessly. And I have to say, I really enjoyed it.

Knowing I was helping a friend. Knowing I was potentially helping some random company I care nothing about. Knowing I was making connections and being a part of things happening. I suppose the rush comes from the "puppetmaster" aspect - but if the networking and relationship building and gatekeeping can occur with only the win-win in mind, can all the negative perceptions about the activities be negated? Can we just call it facilitation and end the conversation? Yet even in my own mind, the process takes on a shady tint.

Reminds me of something I heard on the radio. The mayor is in trouble for working out deals behind closed doors. Nobody's pocket got lined, no favors were exchanged. No individuals benefitted - only the citizens and the town as a whole. So there is a move by the City Council to censure him. Officially slap his hand for doing it all without informing the public.

So, what exactly are we paying our politicians FOR anyway? I thought we were paying for networking. I thought we were paying for charisma, negotiation and the ability to run our cities and governments smoothly so that society benefits. Slap his Public Relations Department instead, geesh!

Perhaps I only think that because I read too many SF and Fantasy novels with Kings in them. Power can be used for good or bad, but we are still electing officials and paying for them to have the power - why would we pay them and then hamstring them by telling them not to use it unless we're watching. Why would we make our officials responsible for the watching - that is OUR JOB!

Not only that, but what a sad state: Honest politics = Newsworthy. Nobody mentioned it, but how unusual would a headline be which said: "Secret deal making results in better quality of life for citizenry because mayor does his job well."

Card TBD

Did not have time to pull my card early in the day, so it will have to wait until later. Boy, have I felt sick today. Post-nasal-drip, acidy stomach, sore leg injury, burning eyes, runny nose...Yuckie.

I'm trying to keep my head-in-the-game despite feeling overwhelmed, overloaded, anxious and unmotivated. It is very hard. I fear failure.

The Tower - reversed

Sudden Change. Downfall. Release. Revelation.
Not so much, actually.

Tired. Need Sleep....

Five of Cups - reversed

Today's card is a new one. 5ofC is about loss, bereavement and sorrow. The only thing I felt the loss of today was time...it just seemed that a whole day of promise and potential slipped though my fingers.

I got a lot accomplished: Holiday gifts made and some even boxed up. Orders ready for my customers, and a package ready to be mailed. Business calls and things. And at the end, I cleaned everything up so that I won't have as much to do next week, before the crop I'm having.

No other sense of loss that I can think of. The day was quiet and fullfilling and domestic. Mindless occupation (Buffy and grinding herbs) kept me busy and distracted. No grief or despair occurred - which may mean some is coming.

I very much liked this story from the Joan Bunning description of the 5ofC:

In a story from Zen Flesh, Zen Bones, the master Hakuin is falsely accused of fathering a child. His reputation in the village is ruined, but he accepts this loss and takes tender care of the child for a year. Suddenly, the real father appears, and Hakuin willingly yields the child to its parents, accepting loss again. We who are not Zen masters may not flow quite so lightly with events, but we can learn from this story. The more we struggle to hold on to what is gone, the more we suffer.

I have definitely been the person to hold on to what is gone with an iron grip. I have, even very recently, mourned friendships years past; I often wish for opportunities to find and be close to friends who are out of my life.

Today wasn't about that though. The day was about my sweet, sweet husband, with whom I spent the whole day. Perhaps the card is warning of the IMPENDING DOOM of his workload. The next few months will be brutal and I will miss his wonderful, warm, kind, helpful presence. I SHOULD be preparing for this: Reminding myself that I can take care of everything and be ultimately supportive of him for as long as it takes for him to be successful at his new company, until their deadlines are met.

I hope that no matter what opportunitites loss brings, that I am fortunate enough to keep all my loved ones safe and close - to not actually lose someone I care about in the near future.

Ace of Wands

What a fantastic card to have on a business day! Creativity, Enthusiasm, Confidence and Courage - all of the things I need in my CM business.

I had a class scheduled for this afternoon that went extremely well. I believe I have three new, devoted customers who already scrapbook continuously, and will support my business long term. I also have a lifelong friend in my hostess. Such a talker! Such a good heart!

The day began with a treat - breakfast with a wonderful friend. She came to see me and we had a great time eating oatmeal and just chatting. I have so many friends who are terribly kind and supportive of my weight management and my hobbies and my passions - I am SO LUCKY!

An all round wonderful, take-charge day - considering I did not wake up needing to be put-down, like a lame horse. Last night at dance class I thought I had hurt my right leg badly. I hobbled to the car from dance class, and was in amazing pain trying to use the gas and break pedals on the way home. Luckily, I woke up this morning sore, but sound. A few more days off of the leg and lots of being careful for awhile and I should be fine. What a relief....

Page of Swords

It turns out that today's card was the Page of Swords (again). The Page is all about using your mind, facing problems, continuing to try and overcome problems honestly through analysis. Since the day was a really, really good one, and I finally managed to feel human again after the screw ups earlier in the week, I think the card does no a nice job of summing up.

I spent the whole day in analysis - transcribing data gathered through the week. I found numbers and metrics and had interesting conversations about what they might mean and what impact they might have. I spent time with people who are preparing to face the music - look squarely at data, interpret it and accept the findings as reality.

I also fough a little bit for my belief that not having God is equally as important as having him.
It was a great, productive day.

The only downside occurred after I left work late and went to dance class. I got a cramp or charlie horse in my right calf and ended up hobbling home, nearly unable to walk. I definitely logically faced the music on that one though - stopped dancing, went home, massaged and rested , and started to consider tand think about what moght be required of me if I REALLY want to be very active as I get older. These little muscle strains and problems are only going to get worse from here on out - I need to really work on being nicer to my body to make sure it lasts.

My hubbie was awfully kind, rubbing Icy Hot Cream into my legs, setting me up with rice bags and taking good care of me so that I could rest (and try to avoid PANIC. That was the worst - the panicky sense that I might have another injury which would put me out of the game for further months, like I was after New Zealand.)

Not what I wanted to talk about...

The Pagan trees are not even what I wanted to write about today, and since it is Friday, and since I've done a big chunk of work today that falls under the heading of "Because Yvette is a nice person," I'm taking a little extra time for myself to finish some thoughts.

I made someone's day today by being absolutely silly. And probably a lot more than one.

Our Operations Director came by my desk after lunch and told me that he hasn't laughed so hard, and so long in who knows how long. He saw me on my lunch-walk. He said I was rolling my head around on my shoulders, stumbling drunkenly down the sidewalk as a result of this odd behavior, and when I crashed right into a wall he could not help but laugh out loud, long and hard. "Hilarious," he said. "I was just cracking up and could hardly drive."

Some people might be offended, but I was overjoyed! It was like those "serious" runner girls a few posts back, to whom I pointed out that they could have more fun if they would run in the crunchy fall leaves! How wonderful that I was able to make him laugh out loud - derisive or not, I'm sure it was a good hormone release and will help him live longer and have an all-round better day.

There is humor in the world that I don't understand. A lot of it. Board in the face humor. Potty humor. Insult humor. Slapstick humor. A long list of things many people find funny that just turn my stomach. And yet. And yet.

If I could do the same thing, and walk into another wall tomorrow, in order to make my co-worker laugh again, I'd do it. After all, I didn't ACTUALLY walk into a wall or damage myself in any way. I was having fun, being a little silly - trying to get my back and neck muscles to relax, letting the rotations travel all the way down my body...it felt GREAT!

The realization that someone saw, and interpreted my actions as potentially retarded and derisively humorous bothers me NOT AT ALL. (At least in this case.)

"What? You don't waggle your whole body and shake it out to relax your muscles when you are exercising? You should try it! And thank you for telling me you enjoyed the performance - I am so glad I could brighten your day!"

Pagan Trees

So the "Christmas" tree is a theft by the Christians, who stole the idea from the pagans, in order to shed less blood, when they forcibly converted them, by not taking away all of their holidays and symbols....Right? I'm not sure why I think this, but it is a "story" in my brain about our culture.

Americans then go and make the whole season worse with their emphasis on a possibly historical gesture by three travellers in robes.

I just finished a testy conversation with our nice, self-styled 'old broad,' the receptionist. I just heard that "they" want to turn Christmas Trees into Holiday Trees.

"...And there's that guy who wants to take Christ and God out of everything..." she said, offhandedly.
"That's okay by me!" I replied, cheerfully.
"Well it is Not. Okay. With me." she stated...and then I watched her hackles rise:
"I would never presume to go to another country and tell them how to celebrate their holidays or which ones they could / couldn't celebrate but that is what is happening here! They aren't 'holiday trees' they are Christmas Trees."

Me pointing out that they are actually subjugated pagan trees did not seem to help the matter. We went through the standard arguments:

Me: We have separation of Church and State.
Her: No, we don't, our country was founded by Christians who came here to practice their religion.
Me: Founded by people who came to escape religious persecution.
Her: Grumpily making her way out of the lobby...

I don't even remember the name of the Pagan holiday. I don't care if we call them Christmas or Holiday trees. I honor and respect people's right to worship in their homes and churches.

They cant do it in public or in *my* backyard though. That's what Bein' 'Merican means.

I think calling them 'Holiday Trees' can only raise awareness within the right wing, conservative, Christian Coalition and followers that some of us are not going to let the country go without a fight.

No Card....Yet

I didn't have time this am and was too tired last night to pull today's oracle card. I don't have a topic to write about, so I'll just say WHAT A FABOO DAY!

All the stress and angst of my painful f#%k up on Tuesday; The "back to work" Blues; The effects of inclement weather - thunderrainwind; The job interview...What a week - and it was only THREE DAYS!

I'm so happy that it is Friday, that I maintained my weight despite Turkey day, that the sun is shining over a fresh and bright world, that people who love me are all around, and there is so much potential for good and rightness in the world.

I'm hoping that my workday will actually be about encouraging that goodness and rightness. Though I may be slogging through entering data and crunching numbers - without those numbers, we can't know what the effects are of our decisions. From the data I hope to still be able to drive this organization in very positive ways.

But, wasn't there a JOB INTERVIEW in the mix, you ask? Well, yes, but why would I move to another company when I can be comfy? As long as I can keep myself engaged and have days like this...isn't it worth it? I think I need to be honest with myself - relationships are important to me. I have a lot of GREAT working, and some good personal, relationships within this company. Unless everyone I like leaves suddenly, why NOT stay? Why not build my CM business? Why not do community service work with ASTD to stretch my skillset? Why not be in a job I am suited to where new and different things may be few and far between, but when they do arise I have a HUGE measure of control over projects? Why not keep my proximity to my home, husband and community? What if, I could learn to be happier with the smaller daily challenges?

There is so much to work on. Conflict is a great example. I am SO AFRAID of talking to certain people. What if I just told them that. What if I found ways to build those relationships? Okay, time to go....

Wheel of Fortune

And again with the Wheel of Fortune, though today it feels like Weal of Fortune. There's a great huge, hot, red, swollen wound on my soul from a screw up yesterday. Fortunately, it is healing a little bit, but still throbbing and painful.

I absolutely HATE it when I screw up. I hate it when the "Bad at Relationships" whip cracks across my blind side. That hate makes the wounding deeper and worsens the situation for everyone.

When I received an e-mail from a [Lazy, Sarcastic, Disengaged] employee yesterday, I reacted badly. I processed my over-reaction in writing to my/her managers [both allies of mine in this not-a-war].

Then I felt the hot blood of the anger and hurt from taking her words too personally start to clot and grow cold. Re-reading the e-mail I had sent, I realized I was behaving in a cowardly fashion. What I needed to do was not complain about the individual, but engage the person in a discussion. Face the music.

That person was not available at the moment I realized this and went to find her. If she had been, it probably would have been THE WORST possible time to deal with her. It sounds so unlikely, but I can tell you that to not have access to getting it all out in-the-moment was as painful a shock as the initial gash in my flesh. The wound re-opened with a loud ripping noise. I literally saw red, felt like I was going to pass out, and realized I had been holding my breath for what might have been minutes.

Make contact. Confront. Manage the conflict. I sent an e-mail. [Bad choice, oh well.]

I thought it was surprisingly positive and neutral toned as I re-read it. I felt generous. I felt as if I had managed to overcome her obvious, and fruitful attempt to push my buttons. I even offered to help overcome the barriers to the [self-imposed] limitations on her resources devoted to our mutual project. I entreated the co-worker to let me or her manager know how we could get the outcomes regardless of the time limit.

Actually, I just went back and re-read the e-mail (2 days later). I substituted my name and my manager's name to see what it felt like to read it out loud as if someone had sent it to me. I interpreted it as a cold, uncompromising set-down, from someone who I was accountable to. And that is what I was going for.

I've had trouble with flaming people via e-mail before, but this time I was sure I had managed the effort quite well, and all I could say was, "I'm getting a lot better, aren't I?" to my manager. But no. She interpreted it differently. Her feedback to me in our 1:1 was that it could be construed as a threat. A THREAT!?! Well, that wheel does spin, doesn't it?

So the day was up, down, around and completely topsy-turvy. I got lashed by the co-worker and pummeled by my emotional upheavals. How much of that reaction is me, my baggage and I? How much is the first-day-back-to-work-after-a-holiday? How much of it is only because I really, really CARE about doing good work?

Sometimes it just hurts so bad to live in this world, you know? The problems don't have to be big to have a huge emotional effect if you are the type of person who cares; Who bothers to GIVE A SHIT! Now the search goes on. I will someday master the art of always including the 'a.'