Mother of a Rant

The Mother Wrote (TMW):
Daughter, Never mind, I'll catch a shuttle. Definitely sounds like your friend's work is crazed and I don't want to impose or add any more to that. I didn't realize that where you and I are going are in opposite directions.

The Adult Daughter Replied (TADR):
Yes. Ex-Husband's warehouse location is West, very close to the airport, and where I am going is South East.

TMW:
Sorry you felt you were having to "take care of me." I wasn't looking to be taken care of.

TADR:
Good to know. Carpooling is always desireable when it makes sense, but since we were not going to the same places, I didn't really "get it" when you proposed it. I think I said that it didn't make sense to me pretty clearly.

After I wrote to you that we were not going in the same direction - literally - you then asked Ex-Husband if you could get a ride from him, or would he please send shuttle info. Mother, that seemed like a pretty desperate act to me. Why would you ask Ex-Husband, or expect that he would be willing to help you in any way? Ex-Husband is angry with you and does not want to help you. Why would you ask him?

I can think of only one reason: You feel he "owes" it to you. People don't like to do nice things for each other out of a sense of obligation, Mother.

No matter why you did it, it made me sad for you and for him that you had asked for help. I felt bad that I was not able to "take care of you," meaning, have you get the help you wanted from someone you wanted it from. You really seemed to want help - even if you had to get it from Ex-Husband.

Because I am Adult Daughter, I felt like I needed to say, "Sure, if you can't find another ride, I can help." Which is still true, but you have to take the help how / when it is offered. I can help you, but you have to do it my way. It is my help to give. You need to respect my friend's time and not take advantage of a friend's generosity and love for me to make your life a little easier.

TMW:
I was just coming from the place where it made sense to see if we could coordinate transportation since we are arriving at almost exactly the same time (you know, like carpooling). Would not have even suggested it if arrival times were different.

Glad to hear you're feeling better. Hope you're over your hurt feelings by the time I see you on Sunday.

TADR:
I think part of the problem is the "hurt" doesn't go away. Especially without any acknowledgement / apologies or attempt to make it different the next time. It just gets worse and worse each time, and, Mother, we seem to be able to spend less and less time together without hurting each other again. Pretty nasty.

My theory is that you're prickly because of Some Thing, and I'm prickly because of Some Thing Else. Doesn't make for a good combination.

TMW:
I was over my hurt feelings from you being mean to me until your recent emails. (I decided I should have been more patient and understanding since you were sick.)

TADR:
That is interesting. Sick shouldn't have much to do with it. My reaction right now is that I have no idea why your feelings were hurt.

As far as I can tell, you're feelings got hurt because I tried to convince you to stay until Monday, like you'd previously planned, in case I needed help with Jeremy The Cockatoo. Either with boarding him at your place or taking him to Birdie Hotel.

Why did that hurt or upset you? I would not have asked if I hadn't REALLY needed the help. If you hadn't already been here, and going back to Santa Barbara. With Jeremy there are so few options. I cannot put him in a shuttle or a taxi.

I was really scared and upset about termites in my house. You said you were staying until Monday, so I called all over to try to find someone who could look at the termites as early as possible on Monday (since no one was available the holiday weekend). We talked about this when you arrived Wednesday, while we made banana pumpkin bread.

TMW:
Seems like it's OK for you to have me go out of my way to help out and/or take care of your needs (like waiting around for the termite guy, driving in the rain, and not getting back into SB in time to get bird vegies and/or keeping Jeremy if your house needed tenting) but not the other way around.

TADR:
Ah, and here I feel like you are very inaccurate. The idea that you think this makes me really angry. This is what you think of Your Sister too. And what you think of Ex-Husband. You appear to think everyone around you expects an unequal relationship.

The Adult Son and I have had that expectation, since we're your kids, HOWEVER, for a long time now, I DO NOT BEHAVE THAT WAY.

I have been trying to treat you just the same as everyone else. When you have needs, and you ask me to help, like with taxes, I say yes or no. Like with your house, yes or no. Like with crazy schemes for WorldCon. Yes, or No. Like with "I want to go to Hawaii for my birthday." Yes or No.

We each get into trouble when it is not that cut and dry, Mother. You did NOT say, "I need to leave, can you help me pack up?" If you had, I would have said, "No. I just puked for eight hours, that isn't going to happen." Instead you said something like, "Its going to rain, I'm thinking of leaving." To which I replied by trying to convince you not to go because I needed your help.

Perhaps it was unfair of me to make my case for why I needed the help so badly. Perhaps you felt guilty to say no. In any case, Mother, these are not excuses for being hurtful.

Mother, it is a situation of expectations. I specifically asked you when you were coming to visit and staying, and you said until Monday.

I asked again because I was *desperately* trying to find a termite guy that could come out before you left, just in case we had to tent and I had to send Jeremy away. When you arrived Wednesday, I went over the whole termite thing with you, and you did not seem put-out.

If I had asked you more clearly Wed night "I need you to stay until Monday, and if the house needs to be tented, take Jeremy either to your place, or to Jaime's" I believe you probably would have said YES. You certainly implied yes, while we were talking that night.

All that changed from then until you left was YOU. You wanted to do something else because of the rain, your needs changed, and so you bailed on me. That is part one of why I was hurt and angry.

Part two of hurt and angry layers on because none of the above that you list as your "needs" (rain, bird veggies) is anything I had any control over or previous knowledge of. I can't have "done it" to you, but you certainly took out your frustration on me.

To be clear, I didn't spend 8 hours puking to ruin your Sunday morning. I didn't do a rain-dance, or forget to close up your house before you left so that you would be stressed out. I didn't rent movies that I thought would specifically be fun to watch with YOU so that I could taunt you with "ha, ha, you have to leave, so I'm going to watch movies you wish you could see..."

The ONLY reason I left my bed Sunday, given how completely AWFUL I felt, was because I knew you were there, and I had specifically rented movies for us to watch TOGETHER. I was damned if I was going to stay in bed, no matter what.

Instead of a nice, restful day of fun movies, I was told you were leaving. I said I needed your help, and you didn't even say "No, that doesn't work for me, I need to leave." You were snide and instead said something like "Well, I'm *so* *sorry* that I can't stay and help you, and take care of your bird and I'll just be out of your way if you'll show me my turkey..."

What you are hurt by, as far as I can tell, is your imagination. It FREAKS ME OUT because it is very Your Sister-Like. I'm having conversations with you that just dissappear into the ether.

It was completely sickening. Not as sickening as you trying to HUG me after you had just been _off_the_chart_ nasty.

I get that you feel bad. I feel bad about the whole thing too, even if I can't figure out what set you off. But don't expect me to be all smiles and stick my damn neck out again by being nice to you. And don't expect me to WANT to help you when you were rotten.

It occurs to me at the last to ask whether you are actually okay with finding your own transportation tomorrow, or whether you are actually really upset and dissapointed?

I care, so I'd like to know the answer...and at the same time, I couldn't care less.