I saw Brokeback Mountain last night (yes, yes, - the last person on the planet to see it), and as the hours pass, it becomes increasingly obvious why the film was up for best picture.
Initial reactions keep washing over me...and I assume they will for days...because what is portrayed in the film is done so exquisitely that there is never a moment of fiction - of disbelief - of being taken "out" of the film.
There are few things that I reacted most strongly too - the things I feel actually made the movie:
1) The eye contact - the whole movie was about having it, or not. The entire story was literally expressed through who was able to look at whom and when. There is no experience like sitting and looking into a person's eyes. The way the main characters' eyes connected by physically holding each others' heads, and forcing that bonding to occur, was a testament to how badly they both wanted - and wanted to escape - the emotion overwhelming them.
2) The physical contact - my sexuality does not include violence beyond the standard grab, clench and hold. The brutality of the sex portrayed in the movie, and the masculinity - the literal fight of self and other those characters go through to be able to give in to physical intimacy...and then again, the physical pain, the inside-out beating the two men took from their longing to be together. These were in such stark contrast to the softness, and carefullness expressed in the sex scenes with women. It makes perfect sense to me that either kind of intimacy could be a turn on - and that having a partner who could hold their own - give and take the brutality in equal measure with tenderness...well, that is a need which was eloquently portrayed.
3) Lastly, we are so lucky to live where and WHEN we do. Yes, gays are beaten and hated in my lifetime. But not that I've faced personally. I've felt the fear of marching in a Pride Parade, but I've only ever marched with thousands of others around me, strength in numbers, to face down the people at the edges of the crowds, taunting and hating. The intense loneliness of the place and time and society was really the star of the movie.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Waiting, Waiting...
So, my blogger "hero" is waiting to hear about a job, and it FILLS his writing on his blog.
I'm waiting for my deep inner being to assert itself by leaping to the surface and commandeer all of my bodily functions with the sole intent of making choices that make TIME for my writing.
I've been writing - oh, yeah, have I. In e-mail to friends and in my thoughts, and while I've been sleeping...I've been updating this blog so regularly with both little vignettes and ideas for huge SF novels (like the one about the "death molecule" which I have intuited that there is probably a scientific basis for).
Instead of writing these things, I've been loading my social life as if it was a plate at a Vegas Buffet:
Sewing Dates, Running Dates, Parties (and more parties), Trips to visit my niece, Trips to Florida, Appointments with my husband to get chores done, Dinners and movies with friends, Beauty appointments to rip off unwanted hair, Shopping appointments to rip off good deals...all of which amounts to no words HERE.
But I got all of my holey and buttonless clothes fixed last night at sewing evening (yay!).
And tonight I get to cook and eat a healthy meal, followed by watching a movie I really wanted to see (Yeah! one Oscar winner!).
Besides tomorrow is another day, and I can always rest then....
I'm waiting for my deep inner being to assert itself by leaping to the surface and commandeer all of my bodily functions with the sole intent of making choices that make TIME for my writing.
I've been writing - oh, yeah, have I. In e-mail to friends and in my thoughts, and while I've been sleeping...I've been updating this blog so regularly with both little vignettes and ideas for huge SF novels (like the one about the "death molecule" which I have intuited that there is probably a scientific basis for).
Instead of writing these things, I've been loading my social life as if it was a plate at a Vegas Buffet:
Sewing Dates, Running Dates, Parties (and more parties), Trips to visit my niece, Trips to Florida, Appointments with my husband to get chores done, Dinners and movies with friends, Beauty appointments to rip off unwanted hair, Shopping appointments to rip off good deals...all of which amounts to no words HERE.
But I got all of my holey and buttonless clothes fixed last night at sewing evening (yay!).
And tonight I get to cook and eat a healthy meal, followed by watching a movie I really wanted to see (Yeah! one Oscar winner!).
Besides tomorrow is another day, and I can always rest then....
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Pshaw!
I wanted SO BADLY to write today...or at least paste all the other things I already wrote here and comment on them, but time slipped away....
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Thin Veneer of Organization
My boss today said she was surprised that my taxes took me approximately 14 hours to complete last weekend. "You're so *oooorganiiiiized*...that surprises me." HA!
This relates to, um, my WHOLE FREAKING LIFE. I continue to have this very disturbing belief that what people see and experience from me is iteration after iteration of this thin veneer of organization. Or perhaps my facade of intelligence. Maybe a glaze of cheerfullness. A fleeting impression of confidence. [Hmm. No. That one is real. That is real confidence, and real trust in my own judgement.] Instead, what about a fleeting impression of discipline (yeah, I've actually been accused of that. Blew my mind).
I ponder all these things I seem to others, but would never attribute to myself. It makes me worry:
1) Do people really just not "get" me?
2) Am I the polar opposite of what they see, but I have been taught I can't behave that way, so instead I have become this little show?
3) Am I as cool as they think I am and so I should stop hampering my rise to greatness by dis-believing the compliments and positive attributions of others?
They did this wonderful study ('They" in this sentence being the cool social scientists psych students get to study) about the gender difference in attributing personal success or failure. It turns out that on an identical test, designed to be impossible to score high on, a failure to perform will be (correctly) attributed by men to the test or the external environment. Women will attribute their perceived failure internally to some lack of knowledge or personal performance. The inverse is also true: When women accomplish something they attribute the acheivement in balance with environmental factors, while Men tend to boost their egos.
This is the kind of research that sticks with me and blows me away. Is this related to the contemptible disbelief I feel when people accuse me of positivity?
I would NEVER describe myself as inherently happy; There is always something good externally, MAKING me happy. I would never describe myself as disciplined; I get help externally and find people to hold me accountable. I am not organized...not in my thinking, my writing, my accounting, my scheduling...Although, I am extremely happy with my closet. I was forced to get that way by sheer need to dress...in the same way I had to become organized enough to keep a job and do it tolerably well.
Is it that I am seeing the difference between the survival skills I've learned and what I consider my 'nature?' Why is this theme so re-occurring and worrisome to me.........?????
This relates to, um, my WHOLE FREAKING LIFE. I continue to have this very disturbing belief that what people see and experience from me is iteration after iteration of this thin veneer of organization. Or perhaps my facade of intelligence. Maybe a glaze of cheerfullness. A fleeting impression of confidence. [Hmm. No. That one is real. That is real confidence, and real trust in my own judgement.] Instead, what about a fleeting impression of discipline (yeah, I've actually been accused of that. Blew my mind).
I ponder all these things I seem to others, but would never attribute to myself. It makes me worry:
1) Do people really just not "get" me?
2) Am I the polar opposite of what they see, but I have been taught I can't behave that way, so instead I have become this little show?
3) Am I as cool as they think I am and so I should stop hampering my rise to greatness by dis-believing the compliments and positive attributions of others?
They did this wonderful study ('They" in this sentence being the cool social scientists psych students get to study) about the gender difference in attributing personal success or failure. It turns out that on an identical test, designed to be impossible to score high on, a failure to perform will be (correctly) attributed by men to the test or the external environment. Women will attribute their perceived failure internally to some lack of knowledge or personal performance. The inverse is also true: When women accomplish something they attribute the acheivement in balance with environmental factors, while Men tend to boost their egos.
This is the kind of research that sticks with me and blows me away. Is this related to the contemptible disbelief I feel when people accuse me of positivity?
I would NEVER describe myself as inherently happy; There is always something good externally, MAKING me happy. I would never describe myself as disciplined; I get help externally and find people to hold me accountable. I am not organized...not in my thinking, my writing, my accounting, my scheduling...Although, I am extremely happy with my closet. I was forced to get that way by sheer need to dress...in the same way I had to become organized enough to keep a job and do it tolerably well.
Is it that I am seeing the difference between the survival skills I've learned and what I consider my 'nature?' Why is this theme so re-occurring and worrisome to me.........?????
Friday, March 03, 2006
2 Days Behind...and Counting
Okay, now I'm 2 full days behind in my tarot pulls. Why is it that something so good for me is often so hard? I thought about pulling cards TWICE last night...and then didn't go make a teenie quiet space to just do it. Why, Why, WHY?!?!
Same question on the weight-loss front, right. I know WHAT to do, but the execution is lacking. Same issue on the business front too - I know what to do to make my CM business pay off...and yet, and yet....
My problem is certainly not unique. I see this all around me within the organization where I currently work. Is the problem that we have a plethora of other choices? Interrupts? Options? I mean, who 'invented' procrastination? Is it an inherent human quality?
Is there a CURE YET!?!?!
Same question on the weight-loss front, right. I know WHAT to do, but the execution is lacking. Same issue on the business front too - I know what to do to make my CM business pay off...and yet, and yet....
My problem is certainly not unique. I see this all around me within the organization where I currently work. Is the problem that we have a plethora of other choices? Interrupts? Options? I mean, who 'invented' procrastination? Is it an inherent human quality?
Is there a CURE YET!?!?!
Thursday, March 02, 2006
"When you know that all is Light...
...You are enlightened."
Who was the first person to put little sayings and phrases on tea bags? Irritatingly brilliant.
Irritating because sometimes I just want a cup of tea, not a flash of the metaphysical. But something about my personality compels me to actually read and ponder phrases such as the one above, when they confront me dangling by the cup handle....
Brilliant because sometimes a little "ponderous" is EXACTLY what I want - a flash of the metaphysical: A moment to ponder and enjoy thinking, "What does that mean - 'all is light'?" Can my boredom be 'light?' Can war and hate and poverty be 'light'? Can it be that easy to be enlightened, or, in addition to the pun, is the tea bag somehow mocking me....
Either way, the fact that there is a statement for consideration on the tea bag string (is there a technical term for the tab of paper at the end of a tea-bag-string?) causes a mental ellipses in the flow of a day. The consciousness will slow for a moment's recognition and decide whether to skip it, or linger there, but the opportunity - Ah! That is an achievement beyond the quality of the tea.
Who was the first person to put little sayings and phrases on tea bags? Irritatingly brilliant.
Irritating because sometimes I just want a cup of tea, not a flash of the metaphysical. But something about my personality compels me to actually read and ponder phrases such as the one above, when they confront me dangling by the cup handle....
Brilliant because sometimes a little "ponderous" is EXACTLY what I want - a flash of the metaphysical: A moment to ponder and enjoy thinking, "What does that mean - 'all is light'?" Can my boredom be 'light?' Can war and hate and poverty be 'light'? Can it be that easy to be enlightened, or, in addition to the pun, is the tea bag somehow mocking me....
Either way, the fact that there is a statement for consideration on the tea bag string (is there a technical term for the tab of paper at the end of a tea-bag-string?) causes a mental ellipses in the flow of a day. The consciousness will slow for a moment's recognition and decide whether to skip it, or linger there, but the opportunity - Ah! That is an achievement beyond the quality of the tea.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Nine of Cups
Wish Fullfillment
Satisfaction
Sensual Pleasure
I actually got a lot of things I wished for recently. I went on vacation with my husband (but I came home feeling horribly exhausted and pretty sick). I got to go to Disneyland before they changed the Pirates of the Caribbean ride (but I was cold, and wet, and my weight loss program was properly sabotaged by eating at Club 33). I finished the stack of books I got for Christmas (but none of them were particularly good reads). I still had a job when I came back to San Jose (but I'm still at the same JOB...ho hum).
I feel the opposite of this card - almost entirely UNsatisfied. I'm happy to be married, happy to have a home to come HOME to...but everything else just doesn't feel right....
Even sensual pleasure-wise I'm off kilter - suffering from bad allergies and strange hives on both sides of my neck. My eyes hurt just as they did when I came home from my trip to Santa Barbara in August. My nose is just plain out of comission, and I've given myself painful cuticle tears in three places. My ears are clogged and my mouth is recovering from a series of toungue burns from too-hot-tea.
What a mess. I think I'll go home now....
Satisfaction
Sensual Pleasure
I actually got a lot of things I wished for recently. I went on vacation with my husband (but I came home feeling horribly exhausted and pretty sick). I got to go to Disneyland before they changed the Pirates of the Caribbean ride (but I was cold, and wet, and my weight loss program was properly sabotaged by eating at Club 33). I finished the stack of books I got for Christmas (but none of them were particularly good reads). I still had a job when I came back to San Jose (but I'm still at the same JOB...ho hum).
I feel the opposite of this card - almost entirely UNsatisfied. I'm happy to be married, happy to have a home to come HOME to...but everything else just doesn't feel right....
Even sensual pleasure-wise I'm off kilter - suffering from bad allergies and strange hives on both sides of my neck. My eyes hurt just as they did when I came home from my trip to Santa Barbara in August. My nose is just plain out of comission, and I've given myself painful cuticle tears in three places. My ears are clogged and my mouth is recovering from a series of toungue burns from too-hot-tea.
What a mess. I think I'll go home now....
"What I Did on My Vacation"
I will provide the following book reports, since that is pretty much “What I did on my Vacation”:
Guy Gavriel Kay’s “Viking” Book (so unmemorable that I can’t remember the name and I read it less than a week ago) gets only 2 out of five bookworms. I didn’t care much about his characters. I don’t think the depth of antagonism between organized religion and the faerie kingdom was developed properly. This book would get even worse scoring if I wasn’t a fan who had read the other novels. At least three whole segments only had weight and interest because they were raised in other (better) books. His writing patterns and literary techniques are becoming decidedly predictable. I wanted to like this book SO MUCH…why couldn’t I?!?!?!
Game of Thrones is also only 2 bookworms. I’m going with: A rickety rollercoaster after a gluttonous Thanksgiving gorge. The book had so many jerky ups and downs that you are likely to start wondering why you paid for the ride in the first place (Then you remember it was a $3.99 stocking stuffer at Christmas – oh yeah). 300 pages of trying desperately to figure out the first safe spot to get off without caring how the damn thing ends. Also like a roller coaster, it turns out that the book has its own centripetal forces at work, and the story flings you along according to some law of physics that cannot be gainsaid. You are on until it comes to a complete stop, and THEN - *especially* then - you’ll wonder why you paid for the ride…
Lastly, I read some ‘real’ literature: On Beauty by Zadie Smith. Beautiful language and extremely interesting content – I laughed a lot and very much appreciated the writing about African American/Academic Culture. The book’s charm was in its sheer newness – I’ve read nothing like it, ever before. I had never met these characters, and every one of them was wholly real. It was filled with lots of academic conceptual ideas too, which was of interest, but I didn’t have time to engage with all of them…definitely a candidate for a re-read in front of the computer so that googling is possible. I loved Smith’s writing style, but the fact that it was ‘real’ lit became painfully obvious when the ending was unsatisfying. I was on vacation dammit! I didn’t want to work hard enough to extrapolate my own "What if.....?"
Guy Gavriel Kay’s “Viking” Book (so unmemorable that I can’t remember the name and I read it less than a week ago) gets only 2 out of five bookworms. I didn’t care much about his characters. I don’t think the depth of antagonism between organized religion and the faerie kingdom was developed properly. This book would get even worse scoring if I wasn’t a fan who had read the other novels. At least three whole segments only had weight and interest because they were raised in other (better) books. His writing patterns and literary techniques are becoming decidedly predictable. I wanted to like this book SO MUCH…why couldn’t I?!?!?!
Game of Thrones is also only 2 bookworms. I’m going with: A rickety rollercoaster after a gluttonous Thanksgiving gorge. The book had so many jerky ups and downs that you are likely to start wondering why you paid for the ride in the first place (Then you remember it was a $3.99 stocking stuffer at Christmas – oh yeah). 300 pages of trying desperately to figure out the first safe spot to get off without caring how the damn thing ends. Also like a roller coaster, it turns out that the book has its own centripetal forces at work, and the story flings you along according to some law of physics that cannot be gainsaid. You are on until it comes to a complete stop, and THEN - *especially* then - you’ll wonder why you paid for the ride…
Lastly, I read some ‘real’ literature: On Beauty by Zadie Smith. Beautiful language and extremely interesting content – I laughed a lot and very much appreciated the writing about African American/Academic Culture. The book’s charm was in its sheer newness – I’ve read nothing like it, ever before. I had never met these characters, and every one of them was wholly real. It was filled with lots of academic conceptual ideas too, which was of interest, but I didn’t have time to engage with all of them…definitely a candidate for a re-read in front of the computer so that googling is possible. I loved Smith’s writing style, but the fact that it was ‘real’ lit became painfully obvious when the ending was unsatisfying. I was on vacation dammit! I didn’t want to work hard enough to extrapolate my own "What if.....?"
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Frosted Neon Limes
That's what color my fingernails are today. If anyone who knows me is reading this, they're getting up off the floor in shock. I'm "conservative" in the colors, styles, fashions that go on or about my person.
But I'm leaving tomorrow on VACATION. And by Sunday afternoon, I'll be in HAWAII. But yesterday when I went to have my manicure and pedicure, all I could think about (besides how great Guy Gavriel Kay's new boook is) was that I had sort of failed to meet all of my own vacationexpectation.
By today I was hoping to be close to packed and ready to go. Paperwork and confirmation numbers tidily in a folder, with duplicate entries in my palm pilot. Itinerary sketched out, reservations for some SCUBA diving with my husband, a boat trip with our friend Larry, music time and chillin' time with my mentor, Susan.
It partly isn't my fault. I have caught a cold, and I do feel miserable. But a part of me thinks I caught the cold because I was stressing myself out.
While we are on vacation, I was really hoping to have some work done on our house. In order to have baseboards, doors and new moulding installed, we would have had to pick those things out in advance. Maybe even paint them. Pull all the furniture away from the walls so that the handyman could get to them. None of which happened.
I do feel like a failure, and even worse, I feel exhausted. I wonder if I had to try to set up all that stuff so that I could get THE MOST from my vacation? Or maybe to feel like I DESERVED the vacation? Naw. I think I'm just maniacally practical.
So when the manicurist yesterday said, "Hawaii? You should have something bright and fun," I picked a color that would match my bikini. but today, I look down and think, "Whose hands are *those*?!?!" The answer is spontaneous, unplanned, lively, relaxed, vacationing "me." I'm looking forward to meeting her.
But I'm leaving tomorrow on VACATION. And by Sunday afternoon, I'll be in HAWAII. But yesterday when I went to have my manicure and pedicure, all I could think about (besides how great Guy Gavriel Kay's new boook is) was that I had sort of failed to meet all of my own vacationexpectation.
By today I was hoping to be close to packed and ready to go. Paperwork and confirmation numbers tidily in a folder, with duplicate entries in my palm pilot. Itinerary sketched out, reservations for some SCUBA diving with my husband, a boat trip with our friend Larry, music time and chillin' time with my mentor, Susan.
It partly isn't my fault. I have caught a cold, and I do feel miserable. But a part of me thinks I caught the cold because I was stressing myself out.
While we are on vacation, I was really hoping to have some work done on our house. In order to have baseboards, doors and new moulding installed, we would have had to pick those things out in advance. Maybe even paint them. Pull all the furniture away from the walls so that the handyman could get to them. None of which happened.
I do feel like a failure, and even worse, I feel exhausted. I wonder if I had to try to set up all that stuff so that I could get THE MOST from my vacation? Or maybe to feel like I DESERVED the vacation? Naw. I think I'm just maniacally practical.
So when the manicurist yesterday said, "Hawaii? You should have something bright and fun," I picked a color that would match my bikini. but today, I look down and think, "Whose hands are *those*?!?!" The answer is spontaneous, unplanned, lively, relaxed, vacationing "me." I'm looking forward to meeting her.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Journalism Day!
On of the joys of my job at my small company is that I sometimes get asked to do things I really like - such as contribute to the employee newsletter. Today is all about that, and I realized that it would be a GREAT way to start the day if I gave myself those 10 free writing mintues to just blahblahblah and set the stage for being in writing and researching mode. 9:31am - go!
It occurs to me that the first things in my consciousness as I open up my brain to spewing about anything is Pain. I have a toothache in a midway tooth on my upper left jaw that has been coming and going. Really it is just a "sensitivity" but it definitely has better and worse days. Today it actually feels like PAIN. The dentist says that I have some gum recession back there and that the root is a bit exposed. He didn't think it was anything to worry about, but it really bugs me though.
I've also been having quite a lot of trouble with my left shoulder again. It is ridiculous to be under 35 and have nagging aches and pains, but boy, the left shoulder is sure one of mine. It seems any exercise using my arms or back extensively aggravates it. The pain is dull, and over the course of the day it feels like it seeps deeper and deeper into the structure of my body. The worst part of it is that the skin over the injured muscle or bursa or whatever gets hyper-sensitive...itchy or burning or untouchable with a sensation that I interpret as a pain message. It makes the tag on my tank top a misery.
Jeremy. When I wrote "no, no" Jeremy came to mind. I wonder if he actually is better off with Mark and I. Certainly he gets to see people more often, but I feel bad that I don't really have a "schedule" for him. We don't do training each night, or blow-jobs every Saturday - I wonder if cockatoos in the wild have a natural schedule? I mean is it like, "Ahh, sunshine! Time to spend 20 minutes calling to gather my flock! Now let's find breakfast! One more hour of breakfast! Anyone see a predator?! I'll take predator watch mid-morning! Wow, 11am already? Time for a nap. Lunch! Where's lunch? I need a good chew session - Let's head over to Godfrey's parents' house after lunch and pull siding off the walls - FUN! Wow, that took a lot out of me, maybe a bath. Sunshine and preening and nap - Wow, am I clean! Dinner time! Let's find a place to roost for the night. Ahh, sunshine! time to spend 20 minutes calling to gather my flock...."
My UN-natural schedule is to work 4 days a week, so that's what I should go do...
It occurs to me that the first things in my consciousness as I open up my brain to spewing about anything is Pain. I have a toothache in a midway tooth on my upper left jaw that has been coming and going. Really it is just a "sensitivity" but it definitely has better and worse days. Today it actually feels like PAIN. The dentist says that I have some gum recession back there and that the root is a bit exposed. He didn't think it was anything to worry about, but it really bugs me though.
I've also been having quite a lot of trouble with my left shoulder again. It is ridiculous to be under 35 and have nagging aches and pains, but boy, the left shoulder is sure one of mine. It seems any exercise using my arms or back extensively aggravates it. The pain is dull, and over the course of the day it feels like it seeps deeper and deeper into the structure of my body. The worst part of it is that the skin over the injured muscle or bursa or whatever gets hyper-sensitive...itchy or burning or untouchable with a sensation that I interpret as a pain message. It makes the tag on my tank top a misery.
Jeremy. When I wrote "no, no" Jeremy came to mind. I wonder if he actually is better off with Mark and I. Certainly he gets to see people more often, but I feel bad that I don't really have a "schedule" for him. We don't do training each night, or blow-jobs every Saturday - I wonder if cockatoos in the wild have a natural schedule? I mean is it like, "Ahh, sunshine! Time to spend 20 minutes calling to gather my flock! Now let's find breakfast! One more hour of breakfast! Anyone see a predator?! I'll take predator watch mid-morning! Wow, 11am already? Time for a nap. Lunch! Where's lunch? I need a good chew session - Let's head over to Godfrey's parents' house after lunch and pull siding off the walls - FUN! Wow, that took a lot out of me, maybe a bath. Sunshine and preening and nap - Wow, am I clean! Dinner time! Let's find a place to roost for the night. Ahh, sunshine! time to spend 20 minutes calling to gather my flock...."
My UN-natural schedule is to work 4 days a week, so that's what I should go do...
Friday, February 03, 2006
Feast Day
I'm going back to the famine weeks to see if any of the drafts I started have anything good that just never got posted.
I expect NUTHIN from myself this weekend, as I'll be holed up in the mountains, in a cabin with a buncha Christian Soccer moms playing with photos and making Volume II of New Zealand. It will either be fun, or a complete nightmare. Keeping an open mind, here....
I expect NUTHIN from myself this weekend, as I'll be holed up in the mountains, in a cabin with a buncha Christian Soccer moms playing with photos and making Volume II of New Zealand. It will either be fun, or a complete nightmare. Keeping an open mind, here....
175 lbs <78 lbs>
Exerpt from an e-mail to my health coach, just in case anyone out there needs to hear that they are not alone in their weight-loss challenges:
It was a BIG processing week this week. I spoke to my friend, who has weight management issues as well, and for awhile we were supporting each other with daily/weekly contact through e-mail and discussion group postings. She and her partner have split up recently and she has found herself re-living some terrible, crazy behaviors from a year ago. I shared my bagel whore story, and it opened up an opportunity for her to talk about and confront some very scary stuff.
I bring this up because listening to others often provides amazing perspective on our own challenges. Her issue was an overwhelming need to be eating in her car, on a long drive to a work site. This resulted in stops for French Fries. Then it became making excuses to leave the job site to go get junk food (potentially impacting her work). She said she could tell from the behaviors that it was truly addiction behavior - she was stopping at nothing, risking her work, in some cases her safety while driving, for that "fix" of junk food because she truly was in a place of "I will die if I don't have....." Wow. So glad that is not me.
On the other hand, I was not "strong" enough yesterday to actually do only Fruits/Veggies as planned at lunch. I probably ate 4-5 cups (two bowls full) of shredded cabbage, onion, carrot, mushrooms, spinach, water chestnuts, those crispy bean sprouts. I added only drizzles of hot oil - mostly soy, teriyaki, ginger and honey water sauces. I had eaten 3/4 of it, and my co-worker went back for another plate (hate all-you-can-eat places!).
I felt just as overwhelming a compulsion to not sit with an empty plate and watch him eat! I just couldn't do it. Did I stop and ask myself WHY I couldn't do it? Whether I would DIE if I had to watch him eat while I had no food...no, instead I went to the area with side-dishes, and got 1c of rice to soak up the sauce, and be "filler." Even though not 1/2 hour before, I had committed to ONLY Vegs, I still couldn't do it in-the-moment. Not that much different in behavior, only in scale.
I was so glad I could help my friend with support, and some of that is just talking through things to become more aware of them. I shared about how I am the same way with travel/transition and dealing with situations where I KNOW I don't want to be there. I ALWAYS have problems in those areas. So I drink shakes in my car, I carry fruit at all times, bars, water....I have a Ziploc bag full of teas and sweetener that I think has been in my backpack, traveling EVERYWHERE with me since 2001. I don't ever want to be desperate.
And I want to continue to see things like the fact that stress makes my stomach go all acidy and upset and my instinct is to soothe it (and the emotions) by getting relaxed - eating more, starchy, and nap-inducing food. And um, I feel like I *should* know this, but I honestly don't: What is the medically correct response to that situation (besides breathing and taking a walk to relieve the stress)?
My success was doing a HUGE food prep night last night, even though I was exhausted. Da hubby helped me cut up approximately 10c of oranges. I made a tuna salad with 2 hardboiled eggs, celery, relish, low cal mayo, mustard and a drizzle of nonfat honey mustard dressing. This got mixed in with 6c of raw spinach and put into 2 containers, one for lunch, one for dinner. I also made 6c of jicama/cuc salad with fresh mint and yogurt. This is all in the cooler, in my car, so that I KNOW I have wonderful SAFE food to break out of the environment and the "just one more" bad thing cycle. At the end of the night I was exhausted, but it will be SO worth it if I can use those things to control the calories.
It was a BIG processing week this week. I spoke to my friend, who has weight management issues as well, and for awhile we were supporting each other with daily/weekly contact through e-mail and discussion group postings. She and her partner have split up recently and she has found herself re-living some terrible, crazy behaviors from a year ago. I shared my bagel whore story, and it opened up an opportunity for her to talk about and confront some very scary stuff.
I bring this up because listening to others often provides amazing perspective on our own challenges. Her issue was an overwhelming need to be eating in her car, on a long drive to a work site. This resulted in stops for French Fries. Then it became making excuses to leave the job site to go get junk food (potentially impacting her work). She said she could tell from the behaviors that it was truly addiction behavior - she was stopping at nothing, risking her work, in some cases her safety while driving, for that "fix" of junk food because she truly was in a place of "I will die if I don't have....." Wow. So glad that is not me.
On the other hand, I was not "strong" enough yesterday to actually do only Fruits/Veggies as planned at lunch. I probably ate 4-5 cups (two bowls full) of shredded cabbage, onion, carrot, mushrooms, spinach, water chestnuts, those crispy bean sprouts. I added only drizzles of hot oil - mostly soy, teriyaki, ginger and honey water sauces. I had eaten 3/4 of it, and my co-worker went back for another plate (hate all-you-can-eat places!).
I felt just as overwhelming a compulsion to not sit with an empty plate and watch him eat! I just couldn't do it. Did I stop and ask myself WHY I couldn't do it? Whether I would DIE if I had to watch him eat while I had no food...no, instead I went to the area with side-dishes, and got 1c of rice to soak up the sauce, and be "filler." Even though not 1/2 hour before, I had committed to ONLY Vegs, I still couldn't do it in-the-moment. Not that much different in behavior, only in scale.
I was so glad I could help my friend with support, and some of that is just talking through things to become more aware of them. I shared about how I am the same way with travel/transition and dealing with situations where I KNOW I don't want to be there. I ALWAYS have problems in those areas. So I drink shakes in my car, I carry fruit at all times, bars, water....I have a Ziploc bag full of teas and sweetener that I think has been in my backpack, traveling EVERYWHERE with me since 2001. I don't ever want to be desperate.
And I want to continue to see things like the fact that stress makes my stomach go all acidy and upset and my instinct is to soothe it (and the emotions) by getting relaxed - eating more, starchy, and nap-inducing food. And um, I feel like I *should* know this, but I honestly don't: What is the medically correct response to that situation (besides breathing and taking a walk to relieve the stress)?
My success was doing a HUGE food prep night last night, even though I was exhausted. Da hubby helped me cut up approximately 10c of oranges. I made a tuna salad with 2 hardboiled eggs, celery, relish, low cal mayo, mustard and a drizzle of nonfat honey mustard dressing. This got mixed in with 6c of raw spinach and put into 2 containers, one for lunch, one for dinner. I also made 6c of jicama/cuc salad with fresh mint and yogurt. This is all in the cooler, in my car, so that I KNOW I have wonderful SAFE food to break out of the environment and the "just one more" bad thing cycle. At the end of the night I was exhausted, but it will be SO worth it if I can use those things to control the calories.
Dollar short
Huh. Here it is a day later and I definitely feel a dollar short on what I needed to get OUT. The concept of beauty still haunts - what is beautiful? but deeper than that is the question of why it even occurs to me to ponder it. I want to be beautiful. I want others to think I am beautiful. It is beyond vanity, though I admit there is that - When you've worked hard to lose weight and have a healthier body and lifestyle, the rewards are important.
But I also want the special treatment, like being asked to dance, having people smile at me, be nice to me, give me attention and want to be around me...all those things come with 'pretty.' It would be denial to say they didn't. It would be denying reality.
Reality is also guys you don't know checking you out from across the room. And maintenence (Hair, clothes, makeup..things I have in the past cared absolutely nothing for). Sometimes those things are VERY fun, and some days I can get by without them...but I feel like it is a losing battle in the long run.
Reality is also feeling good about the "belle of the ball" syndrome. I don't feel like a 'piece of meat' when I'm English Country dancing with friends or strangers. But I do feel like my (relative) youth and good looks and energy are extremely appreciated in the community. Everyone is glad to see me and always kind and complimentary. It feels good...but it is a lot of attention too.
I don't know if 'pretty' can in fact be something that just *IS* Like Twelve Oaks - I would be so happy to be something graceful and beautiful that wants only to be loved - to make others happy. I don't want them to necessarily impact me, interract with me or have the 'pretty' inspire or compel them to interfere. I like the idea of manifesting the spirit of dancing and the 'ideal' of it...without having to be responsible for it. And there's the BUT. I knew it was there, and I didn't know what it was. If you're beautiful or even pretty, what's your responsibility? Do you have to maintain it at the level others expect? Do you have to be nicer, kinder, gentler, more forgiving and loving (like Melanie Hamilton?). I guess I always feel I fall so far short of that ideal...and I don't even want it really...the same way I don't want "dangerous beauty" or "cruel intentions" or any of the other possible power-abusing shades of beauty.
Hmmmmm.....time's up.
But I also want the special treatment, like being asked to dance, having people smile at me, be nice to me, give me attention and want to be around me...all those things come with 'pretty.' It would be denial to say they didn't. It would be denying reality.
Reality is also guys you don't know checking you out from across the room. And maintenence (Hair, clothes, makeup..things I have in the past cared absolutely nothing for). Sometimes those things are VERY fun, and some days I can get by without them...but I feel like it is a losing battle in the long run.
Reality is also feeling good about the "belle of the ball" syndrome. I don't feel like a 'piece of meat' when I'm English Country dancing with friends or strangers. But I do feel like my (relative) youth and good looks and energy are extremely appreciated in the community. Everyone is glad to see me and always kind and complimentary. It feels good...but it is a lot of attention too.
I don't know if 'pretty' can in fact be something that just *IS* Like Twelve Oaks - I would be so happy to be something graceful and beautiful that wants only to be loved - to make others happy. I don't want them to necessarily impact me, interract with me or have the 'pretty' inspire or compel them to interfere. I like the idea of manifesting the spirit of dancing and the 'ideal' of it...without having to be responsible for it. And there's the BUT. I knew it was there, and I didn't know what it was. If you're beautiful or even pretty, what's your responsibility? Do you have to maintain it at the level others expect? Do you have to be nicer, kinder, gentler, more forgiving and loving (like Melanie Hamilton?). I guess I always feel I fall so far short of that ideal...and I don't even want it really...the same way I don't want "dangerous beauty" or "cruel intentions" or any of the other possible power-abusing shades of beauty.
Hmmmmm.....time's up.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Setback II
And again, she falls and barely recovers....
I have not written anything here since 1/12 - 21 days ago. Luckily, I didn't completely turn off my brain for that time...I just stopped writing about all the things I was thinking about. I also stopped pulling Tarot cards. A good example of how I truly need a catalyst of some kind to spur on the behavior of writing...if not the thoughts and the function.
In a synchronous turn of events, after discussing my lapse with my hubband on our drive to work this morning, my blog-hero was writing about trying out yet another blogger's "10 minutes" of blog freedom writing. No story, plot, editing - just freestyle thoughts. Hey...I do that all the time...?! You mean there's some OTHER way to write?
So seriously, here's my 10 - 12 minutes of spewage just for myself:
Beauty - pondering beauty, mine and the worlds. The following elements have not yet melded, but they all have SOMETHING to do with the thougths and feelings I'm working through:
Followed by the eyes of men
Old High School buddy buddy I haven't seen in 15 years saying "You look terrific."
Melanie Hamilton from GWTW: 12 oaks is more than a house - it is a whole world that wants only to be graceful and beautiful
More and less desirable dance partners
[This is literally where the front desk break ended, and I have no idea how long it took to write to this bit. Wish I typed faster]
I have not written anything here since 1/12 - 21 days ago. Luckily, I didn't completely turn off my brain for that time...I just stopped writing about all the things I was thinking about. I also stopped pulling Tarot cards. A good example of how I truly need a catalyst of some kind to spur on the behavior of writing...if not the thoughts and the function.
In a synchronous turn of events, after discussing my lapse with my hubband on our drive to work this morning, my blog-hero was writing about trying out yet another blogger's "10 minutes" of blog freedom writing. No story, plot, editing - just freestyle thoughts. Hey...I do that all the time...?! You mean there's some OTHER way to write?
So seriously, here's my 10 - 12 minutes of spewage just for myself:
Beauty - pondering beauty, mine and the worlds. The following elements have not yet melded, but they all have SOMETHING to do with the thougths and feelings I'm working through:
Followed by the eyes of men
Old High School buddy buddy I haven't seen in 15 years saying "You look terrific."
Melanie Hamilton from GWTW: 12 oaks is more than a house - it is a whole world that wants only to be graceful and beautiful
More and less desirable dance partners
[This is literally where the front desk break ended, and I have no idea how long it took to write to this bit. Wish I typed faster]
Thursday, January 19, 2006
New Habits...
Are EASY to break. Aint that the truth. Hello, bloggie! Sorry I've been neglecting you on my little vacations. No food, no water, no love. I suppose the irony is that when I neglect my blog I actually neglect my own internal dialog...and it isn't like THAT takes a vacation.
I have no tarot compass...
(2/3) ...and I never even finished this post. Now i will NEVER KNOW what I wanted to say. How SAD.
I have no tarot compass...
(2/3) ...and I never even finished this post. Now i will NEVER KNOW what I wanted to say. How SAD.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Knight of Pentacles
A note to my dietician / food coach today:
I know that all those struggling with weight must have days like this. Girlie hormone fluctuations do not help at all either. The alternative is to be ignorant of these emotional highs and lows - let them control me instead of me controlling them.
Interestingly enough, the KnOP has something to say about control and struggles. He takes them head on, with a somewhat pessimistic, if stubborn attitude. I am going to take this card as a reminder to me that I need to remain stubborn in my pursuit of healthy life habits. For right now that means being in a supportive weight management program, and being committeed to the program itself.
The knight is also there to help me see the improvement project I've been working on through to the bitter end. And I feel that it will be bitter. Despite this, I need to buckle down, complete the process, write this report and move on to a 'New Day' in my career here. It is time to be finished with this project and move to the next thing - in that way I cannot agree with the knight - it is imperative that I be able to change and move to something fresh and new.
I’m in a very strange mood today and it is definitely affecting my food intake. I’m all moody – felt like crying TWICE this am listening to the radio before I even left my bedroom - and I appear to be having an allergy attack on top of that (I do NOT have adult onset allergies!). I am finally feeling awake enough to function (at 3PM?!). My body feels like it was on strike after the two-hour bellydance class last night that I went to pre-exhausted.
I feel like someone else, and on top of that it is a VERY bad hair day…
I’ve been surviving on caffeine as a result…3 cups of black tea with nonfat milk, my morning shake and then HMR double-shake oatmeal for something warm and comforting. Banana and carrots and (soon) an apple and oranges as snacks. I have 2 pre-made shakes on hand…I may even go and warm up the chocolate one so that it will be soothing and comforting…wonder if the vanilla one would be good hot…hmmmmm. I was craving BBQ chicken or lasagna but didn’t have either one here. I may eat a soybean chili with corn (a favorite) but can’t decide – which my old coach used to say meant for her that she wasn’t REALLY hungry – just head hungry.
Anyway, I think my point is that the additive EC – having supportive food constantly in my environment - is going to continue to be a fundamental and critical strategy. I think I’ll go for a quick walk…but it is SO COLD OUT THERE…
I know that all those struggling with weight must have days like this. Girlie hormone fluctuations do not help at all either. The alternative is to be ignorant of these emotional highs and lows - let them control me instead of me controlling them.
Interestingly enough, the KnOP has something to say about control and struggles. He takes them head on, with a somewhat pessimistic, if stubborn attitude. I am going to take this card as a reminder to me that I need to remain stubborn in my pursuit of healthy life habits. For right now that means being in a supportive weight management program, and being committeed to the program itself.
The knight is also there to help me see the improvement project I've been working on through to the bitter end. And I feel that it will be bitter. Despite this, I need to buckle down, complete the process, write this report and move on to a 'New Day' in my career here. It is time to be finished with this project and move to the next thing - in that way I cannot agree with the knight - it is imperative that I be able to change and move to something fresh and new.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Friday, January 06, 2006
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